My vanishing act...

Morning girlies, this is a very quick and incredibly short note to say I am so sorry for my sudden absence. It is a convoluted and somewhat dull story, and the blame is firmly affixed to work, having to travel, and Internet related issues.

However, Ella's great and wonderful vanishing act is complete. This afternoon and evening will be spent catching up on all your wonderful blogs and comment where ever I am able, I promise to try and make it interesting!

I just wanted you all to know I have missed your entries, and you girls, so much this past week and have been thinking about all my friends in bloggerland constantly!

Much love as always,

Ella xx

Yawn...

Morning girlies. So it is nearly three in the morning here and I am still at work. Did I mention I have been here since half one in the afternoon. If I had the energy I would insert some very witty and sarcastic comment about my love of the job. As it happens my energy seems to have turned in for the night a fair while ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. So my total consumption for the day has been (mentioned below) 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), 1 cucumber (40 cals), diet coke (10 cals), 2 litres mineral water. In addition I have wolfed down another cucumber (40 cals) and 5 slices of organic wholemeal bread (I shall guess about 500 cals). I am ashamed, but I have been run off my feet all night long and my body seemed incapable to existing without carbs. Oh and I fully intend to have a helping of frozen smoothie when I get home (97 cals). so that makes my total for the day circa 730 cals. My speedy trip to the gym earlier today burnt off in the region of 390 cals, and i have done much walking and whizzing about the bar today so hopefully that helped. I am not devastated. I am planning for tomorrow to be a lot more like Monday, with very few cals consumed and a nice hefty session at the gym after work (mental note: pack gym bag as soon as I get home).

I really have to run as I have to be back in the darn office in, oh, 6 and a half hours. In that time I have to finish work, walk home, pack my gym bag, get to sleep, get ready and walk back. Thrilled does not quite cover my emotion right now. Sigh.

Much love,

Ella xx

Blood, sweat and no tears...

Evening girlies, and Happy St Patrick's Day to anyone who cares. The only reason I care is that I run a bar, and a fair amount of Irish people who come in, so it is likely to get rather busy later. Other than that I find the whole Paddy's day a little pointless. People seem to just use it as an excuse to go out, get trashed and behave like hooligans. Not my cup of tea I am afraid.

So, I apologise for my lack of update last night. The Boy has become increasingly selfish with laptop time, which I am not really able to have issue over as it is his laptop, and the only reason I have not got mine is that I refuse to pay an extortionate amount to have the lamp behind the screen replaced. So to update last night; I went to the gym after work as planned. It was not a crazy session in any way, I did 35 minutes on the exercise bike (-250 cals), and 45 minutes o n the elliptical (-550 cals) on an empty stomach. Consumption for the day was pleasing, I had 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals ish), a bag of mixed leaf salad with home made balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing (14 cals for the salad and circa 50 cals for the dressing) and a cucumber (40 cals). I drank 3 litres of mineral water, and a fair bit of diet coke (circa 15 cals). So, as I say I am not hating that.

Today I got up an went to the gym, but only had time to do a tiny workout, 20 minutes on the bike (-140 cals) and 20 minutes on the cross trainer (-250 cals). It was one of those days where my body was not really behaving, especially my legs, they feltlike they were made of lead! Oh well, something is better than nothing. Consumption has been 2 litres of mineral water, diet coke (5 cals so far), 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), a cucumber (40 cals) and 2 slices of wholewheat bread - carb needed - (220 clas to be safe). It is half 6 in the evening so hopefully not much more.

Today has been a better day, and my bad mood has disappeared. Which is pleasant for all concerned. I have to work all night (insert sad face), and be up early but not super early (insert sadder face) to work tomorrow day time. On the plus side that gives me plenty of time to fit in another gym session tomorrow (insert happy face). I apologise for the inserts, but i hate using simleys! i will update later, and hopefully report that have not binged as there are so many snacks everywhere, including a heap of flapjacks which I love. Oh and I just bit a mouth ulcer whilst eating my cucumber, and it is bleeding an dreally hurts!

much love,

Ella xx

Sunshine and Mood Swings...

Hi girlies, how is everyone today? I really hope everyone is doing swell.

I woke up this morning to find pure and unadulterated Sunshine streaming into my room, and the first thing I did was smile. A real, genuine, hopeful smile. It felt good. I seem to get this automatic and unstoppable high from sunshine. Especially when it is warm sunshine. My walk to work this morning was lovely. I was due to start at 10 am, so the journey was warm, bright and quiet.

I arrived at the bar and one minute past ten I was in a bad mood. The other manager came back after ten days off overreacting about some eye issue she has, and proceeded to moan about the most unimportant and quite frankly pointless things she could conjure up. not so much as a hello passed her lips before the barrage of moaning was expelled forth. It is the same every morning. To anyone who has not heard me mention her before, she is the other manager of the bar I run, she is nearly 60 years old and weighs about 20 stone (No I am not being facetious, that is her actual weight). I know the reason it got beneath my skin so quickly and absolutely, she stole my sunshiny high. I wait, or rather merely exist, all throughout winter, waiting for the sun and the warmth, and the first real day of spring the moan marathon began (I am fully aware I am now moaning, but that cannot be helped).

I will not dwell nor bore you with any more information. I am about to finish and head straight to the gym on my way home. I feel a little pumped, and am positive some elliptical abuse and angry music (well the angriest I tend to get is Linkin Park but you know what I mean), is sure to rid me of my pent up aggression.

I will update later to let you all know how must first foray to the gym in a week goes. Oh and so far I have only had mineral water, diet coke (2 cans), ginger and kelp pills. So I am pleased. My resolve is amazingly steadfast and intact. Perhaps the bad mood has cemented this. My plan is to only have some frozen raspberries (96 cals tops) and if absolutely necessary a frozen smoothie (97 cals) this evening. So we will see!

Right must dash, gyming to be done.

Much love,

Ella xx

Weekends and weakness...

"I got a weakness in me, I think that weakness feeds me". 

I have been tyring to write this entry for three days.  Each and every time I try, I ultimately end up deleting everything.  With one exception, the above quote from a song by Matchbox Twenty.  In some ways, the quote itself was the hurdle in allowing my thoughts to create written words.  I could not delete it however, as it so succinctly states my feelings for the past few days, weeks.

I am in this uncomfortable limbo.  I crave and need time alone, away from the maddening crowd.  I am the kind of person who loves to be alone.  To be constantly surrounded by people would feel like drowning, but rather than being pulled under by an invisible current, I would be pushed under by perceptions of non existent scrutiny.  Being alone gifts me the opportunity to do one of my most addictive past times.  Loathing myself.  Whatever aspect or trait, physical or otherwise, I decide to focus my energies on, I feel it must be done alone, to avoid any attention.  Where is this uncomfortable limbo I mentioned?  I am lucky that I can easily have my alone time.  As soon as I am on my own however, my weakness rears its hideous head.  I almost forget about it during the week, when I am swarmed with people.  My weakness hides in the darkest corners of me, biding it's time.  Simply waiting.  Once I am alone, its schemes are set in motion.  My weakness literally feeds me.  More than that, it feeds my addictions, new and old, temporary and permanent.  

I suppose I have always felt an unwilling yet inevitable slave to my weakness.  An invisible entity on which to project all my failings, to blame for my shortfalls.  It is not true though.  I am to blame.  My weakness is me.  Just a side of me I do not want to acknowledge, because I do not know how to control it.  And for someone who craves control, that is unacceptable.

So I sit here alone, with only my weakness and my shaky resolve for company.  Making decisions.  Deciding to confront my weakness, take it out of it's comfort zone.  Remove myself from where it is confident.  

As much as I adore my time alone, as the hours of the weekend drain through my fingers, and I inch steadily toward Monday morning, my resolve and desire gains in strength, forcing my weakness aside.  As the crowd draws nearer, so to is my weakness expelled farther.  

I feel there has been a certain element of realisation this weekend.  I intend to act upon it.  To use it to gain control.

I really hope everyone has had an enjoyable weekend, and that no one is contracting the Mondayblues.

Must go read and comment.

Much love girlies,

Ella xx

Morning is dawning...

Morning girlies, I hope everyone is fabulous. I have just spent some quality 'quiet time' in the office catching up on everyones entries and commenting where i have anything interesting (or not so interesting as the case may be) to say.

First things first, as that is how it should be. Thank you to every one who took the time to read my last few entries, and especially to those who commented. Your words were so kind and supportive, and they really buoyed me during the past week. You all mean the world to me, and I wanted you to know that.

Obviously I have been low for the past week or so, and every morning I would struggle to get up. not because I was tried or desperate for more sleep. Because I just failed to see the whole 'point'. I did not want to see anyone, or be seen. I did not want to inflict myself on the small portion of the world I would come into contact with that day. I just wanted to the day to be over. I know that makes no sense. my willing of the days to fly past was irrational as I had no end in sight. Even if time did bend to my will and speed by, all that was waiting for me at the end of the night was another day. Everything would be the same. Just slightly less.

I woke up today and I felt, okay. The day did not seem hopeless. It was a good feeling. As the day has gone on, I feel I have embraced this feeling and am looking forward to re gaining my control over life, as everything has spiralled away from me a little. But the resolve is strengthening.

I feel much better just writing this all down, and knowing that you girls may actually understand and empathise. I read what Harlow wrote about suddenly hearing Ana's voice again, and I do. I feel like shedding the weight and the associated baggage is the driving force behind my actions again, rather than the desire to get through the day and close it as quickly as possible. So I will plan. Fail to plan, plan to fail. So cliche but undeniable.

I have a busy day ahead, but I will take sometime to create an adequate plan of attack to kick start the control.

I am hopeful.

Much love,

Ella xx

Stress and sleep...

Morning girlies. I just wanted to reiterate that, even I have not posted for a couple of days, I still religiously read all your entries, and comment whenever possible.

This week has exploded into being insanely busy. I do feel as though I am free falling through it all.

The residue of this weekend is still weighing on me. Perhaps the business and stress has prevented me dealing with it. I don't know. But I am not dealing. At least not in a way that society would allow me. I have continued cutting myself this week. I know I said I would stop. It just has not happened. I think I justify the situation, to myself, in the following ways: I am not hurting anyone (else), I am not doing it for attention (I am really, really not), I almost never cut myself deeply (without trying to sound morbid, I do not cut myself to feel pain. I cut myself for release, and the 'feeling' is part of it of course, but seeing the blood come to the surface and the area go pink enables that feeling of release. Does that make sense to anyone?), I heal reasonably quickly (so the obvious evidence has disappeared usually within a week, and the only remnants are pale lines that are not overtly noticeable). To me, that seems reasonable. I suppose I am hardly impartial in the matter.

Last night was, i suppose interesting would be an appropriate word. To shine some light on how starkly contrasting the two halves of my evening were, the first half was spent at a stand up comedy gig at my bar with L, the second was spent at home doing something I hate, loathe, detest, abhor. I cried. Worst of all, I cried 'about' me. I acknowledge that I cry, I do. I cry about ridiculous things. I cry at movies all the time. I cry at tv. I cry at the news. I cry over books. I cry over old people. I cry at things that are nothing to do with my life. some people find it strange, but I just hate to cry over 'me' or my life. Firstly I feel I have absolutely no right whatsoever. More importantly, I feel too vunerable. In a way I like to be emotionally detached. A therapist once postured that the reason my reactions to books and movies and what not are so strong (if something is even remotely sad I will cry. If something is even remotely amusing I will laugh out loud. If something is even remotely unjust I become furious) is that I use it as my emotional outlet, rather than my own life. I do not know. I digress. So I cried. I cried because I felt I was not coping. more importantly, I felt like I was failing. At nothing overly specific, more in general sense.

It was at that moment, when I was sitting alone in the dark, listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, crying, that the Boy decided to walk in. He has seen me cry before. The vast, vast majority of times it has been the above crying. It is not real, it is affected and if you know me you can tell. I must have looked rather feeble, and his face fell. Of course he asked what was wrong, and i said I did not know. He tried to accept that maybe I didn't, but I could tell he was unsure. So he carried me to the bedroom and just lay there with me. He asked if I could try to explain, even if I was not sure. So I made the summary point that I did not feel as though I was coping. He queried with what. I replied me. He did not push, which I appreciated. So we just lay there, until he broke the silence by saying he noticed something a few days ago, and stroked my left inner forearm. I could feel his finger find the ridges.

So I am not as subtle as I presumed. I am not sure if that is due to my thinking I was too good at hiding it, or a lack of belief he would notice or a combination of the two. He was not angry. I think he tends to see things and rather than dive in and demand actions from me, he quietly watches to make sure i am okay. Okay enough.

So that was my night.

I hope everyone else's was nicer. I must dash, I am at work as always, and one of the managing directors is arriving soon. I think I like him, although more often than not I want to throttle him!

Much love,

Ella xx