Typical...

Morning girlies, it is so utterly typical that the very day I make the resolution to update my blog at least twice a day to aid my focus my Internet crashes, and remains crashed until this morning!  It was not all doom and gloom, I was able to keep up to date with everyone elses entries via my blackberry, but I am still unable to post from it.  I really must figure that out and soon.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  Mine was a bit of a wash.  I had a friend's birthday party to attend on Saturday night, which was, as expected, a whole mish mash or drink and drama.  I tend not to go out in large groups.  In fact rarely to I go out with more than 3 others, we will often see people we know out, but to spend your whole evening with a large group of very drunk people (you probably do not remember, as it has been a while since I mentioned it, but I do not drink to excess, i just do not see the point of getting 'drunk') is challenging.  So of course several arguments ensued, some escalated into screaming girls, one nearly escalated to a physical fright between two guys, and my best friend L was completely smashed.  What joy.  SO I went home at about midnight.  I just did not want to have to cope with all the drama, and as they were not my friends, but friends of a friend, I was not required to talk my usual stance of 'peacemaker'.  So I deposited L with another one of her close friends and headed home to throw on my jammies.  Perfect.

So L is my best friend in the world.  I spend most of my free time with her (well when I am not with the Boy), and that is tough on the whole ana concept.  She is always eating, apart from when she is drinking.  Which is every night, or almost every night.  She is short (well compared to me, I am 5 foot 11, she is 5 foot 4) and has a Scarlett Johanssen kind of figure.  Really curvy, but not fat.  Not my preferred body type, but that is not my point.  I find it hard to restrict around her as she is definitely the dominant personality in our relationship and she does not like to eat or drink alone and rather good at coercing me to join her.  And as I have spent inordinate amounts of time with her over the last 4 weeks, i have been nibbles and vino central.  However, that is now under control as I told her I was going tee total for a couple of weeks and trying to stop late snacking.  So I think at least for a little while she will stop forcing food at me.  Fingers crossed.

Oh my god, this entire entry is so boring and pointless!  I am sure no one has read to this point.  Unless you have nothing to do at all!  So I will sign off.  I think the part of the problem is I have just woken up and am still a little squiffy  I am only managing to accommodate basic thoughts!

My update later will be much more amazing, I promise!

Much love,

ella xx

Excuses...

Hey girlies.  I know I have not been around so much lately.  Well that is not entirely true.  I have not been visible much lately, but I have still been reading all your blogs every day.  I think the problem is, or at least my excuse is, that I hate to write an entry when I am 'failing'.  When I am doing terribly.  And that is exactly how I have been doing lately.

I have had no structure in my life for the past four weeks or so.  I suddenly found myself with day after day of nothing but free time.  It was all so overwhelming.  I am sure everyone is thinking I could have achieved so much, and I think I should have too.  But the sudden descent into a huge expanse of free time from a busy life full of structure and stress has just been too much.  I spiralled for quite a long time.  Which lead to me binging, eating my feelings.  It started as e eating my anger and despair towards my previous employers.  After time, feelings numb a little.  They were replaced by boredom.  Insatiable boredom.  Boredom binges ensued.  

Every time I have gained weight it can be attributed to boredom eating.  It is so frustrating.  

So, I think I have firmly established that structure is essential to my life, and must be re instilled.  Following Reese's resolution I am going to post at least twice a day, preferably three times (I apologise in advance if I bore you all senseless).  That should help break my day down into more manageable chunks, as opposed to being faced with an endless expanse of time.  

I need to start going to the gym again, desperately.  Again I know you must all be thinking that with all my free time I should have been living at the gym.  I admit I should have.  Again, when all this started happening I was falling apart and the gym did not even factor in any of my decisions.  And now it is so hard to motivate myself to anything at all, let alone something that involves effort.  Pathetic I know.

So, this shall be post number one for today.  I hope that by the time I post again I will have something that would be worth reading, rather than boring you all again.

I just feel so fat and disgusting.  So dehydrated all the time.  I need this to change or else I do not what I will do.

Much love,

ella xx

Mulling...

Evening girlies, I hope everyone is super.  So I am at home, alone.  I adore my alone time, I can say with no hint of doubt in my mind that if I did not have my time alone I would either implode and self destruct, or go completely crazy.  Neither particularly appeals to me.

So I have spent the vast majority of the day mulling.  Just mulling over everything that is going on in my life right now.  I suppose I have been evaluating my levels of control, both of the event and the fallout.  How much control do I really have, and how much do I really exert in these situations.

The easiest to talk about is my weight.  Of course.  I know what I need to do and what Ana needs form me.  When broken down into it's basic components it is so simple for want of a better word.  I need to not eat.  I need to exercise.  I need to stay focused.  So why I am not doing those three simple things?  In reality we all know it is so much harder than just that.  It is about so much more than just being skinny.  It is about alleviating some of the pressure that weighs on us.  You do not just shed pounds, but you expel weight that is no physical, it is emotional and mental. 

So I am going to relaunch my thinspiration book.  Deploy my tactics from my skinniest years.  i am going to throw myself into this, body and soul.  As it stands right now it is all I have that is set in stone.  My desire, or rather my overwhelming need to lose weight, and to be beautiful and skinny.  To be the best shell I can possibly be.

I am feeling good for the first time in a few weeks now.  Not happy exactly, but dare I say it, hopeful.  

I love you all.

Much love,

ella xx

Throbbing...

Do you ever have the sensation that you mind is throbbing?  Almost pulsating?  Not your brain, but your mind.  The throbbing begins in times of intense and mixed emotions, when it knows it is feeling something incredibly strongly, but cannot decide what.  I am stuck in this perpetual throb.  At this moment, I am caught between rage, depression, fear and self loathing.

I am still furious regarding my work dilemma.  Not just because I have been thrust into this unjust and unfair position, but because I feel so redundant when trying to tackle it.  I feel depression creeping back in like a cool mist, dulling my senses but forcing my hand, making me feign 'coping' to all those around me.  Self loathing is, strangely, the most comforting of all my feelings.  Ana, my old faithful companion is perched high upon my shoulder, magnifying my flaws.

I feel like I am drifting, upon a turbulent and changing sea, and Ana is my anchor.  The one thing keeping me tethered, and preventing me from being pulled out to the eternal expanse of water out there.  I am holding on with both hands, my knuckles are pale.

I suppose I am avoiding the underlying issue.  It would be understandable to assume that it must be my work predicament.  But strangely it is not.  I am, as I said furious.  Control has been ripped from my clutches.  In a way, I have accepted that I am never going back.  I never want to.  I cannot trust that place ever again.  I am not going to miss it.

It all falls back to the same point of origin.  Control.  I want it so badly, with every ounce of the essence.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it is in my grasp, but it never stays.

I am afraid I have spent my life watching it go by, thinking of what I could have been, instead of actually living it and being those things.  At least attempting to be.  I am afraid of failure.  I would rather not try and therefore not fail, than run the risk.  How sad that must seem.  When I was young everything came with a natural ease.  I was a straight A+ student, without ever having to study.  I was intensely sporty, playing in several sports for England, I used to be super skinny and be able to control myself and my weight with almost no thought.  And now?  I am not entirely sure where it all went wrong.  Now I am afraid most of the time.

I know I must make the mental commitment to grab hold and control my own existence, but it is hard.  Ana knows this about me.  She is trying to help me so much, and I do not want to disappoint her.  I want to be perfect again.

I hope all you girls are fairing better than I am right now.  Thank you so much for all your supportive comments, I would say you have no idea how much you all mean to me, but I suppose we all feel that way.  Please do not pity me, I will be okay again at some stage.  I suppose I realise that the time in between is down to me in the most part.

Much love,

Ella xx

Compartmentalising...

I feel I owe some rationale as to my disappearance.  Some account of my apparent desertion.  But I am admittedly too fragile to deal with the entirety.  So my old faithful, my tried and tested saviour comes to light:  Compartmentalisation.  If I segregate each area of contention I might be able to cope.

So what first?  I suppose this post will be two pronged.  A quick overview of the cause of my aforementioned crash, succeeded by a dissection of a symptom.  

I have managed bars for several years,  and without wanting to sound arrogant or self  ingratiating, I am good at what I do.  Or was.  It transpires that a member of my staff has been stealing money by falsifying refunds through the tills and taking the surplus cash.  They have been using my manager ID, and I have subsequently had the blame thrown squarely at my feet by the senior manager.  TC, the senior manager, is an unscrupulous and untrustworthy individual.  Constantly obsessed with cutting costs in any way he can.  It seems that eliminating my salary is one of those ways.  So I am being targeted.  I do not try to cound like a helpless victim, but those statements are nothing but truthful, I promise.  To avoid court we are settling, which is not what I want to do, but British employment law serves the employer and not the employee, so I am stuck between a rock and the proverbial hard place.  At least I retain my dignity by resigning.  

I am not devastated.  I cannot admit to having a strong love for my job.  To have it taken from me however, is troubling. 

That is all I really wish to say about that.  Background has been provided.  

I promise I am innocent.  Please believe me.

My self harm has flared alarmingly.  For the past fortnight, I have sliced my arm almost every day.  More so under the stifling influence of vino.  I have mentioned self harm before.  I am not imaginative, I cut my inner forearms.  I do not do it to feel pain.  I do not do it for attention.  I do it for the release it provides.  Sometimes in the chaos of my mind I feel like a soda can, so shaken and ready to explode that unless a opening is created, I may self destruct.  I do it to see the physical incarnation of inexplicable torment sometimes.  Sometimes it is as simple as I just want to harm my body, and punish my mind.  

I came to a realisation Friday evening.  I have almost always been in control.  I have chosen to self harm.  However, I must be honest and admit that recently it has been compulsion and not control that guides my hand.  So I have promised myself I will try to stop.  Try to funnel my destructive energy elsewhere.  Stop trying to etch my sadness into my flesh.  I do not need the scars to remind me.  

Yet.  Sometimes.  It feels so good.  

Damn me.

I love you all.  I am so sorry I was invisible.

Much love, as always,

Ella xx

Crash...

So...  I have been absent for a fortnight now.  I am sorry.  I crashed.  I was in no way trying to distance myself from all you girls, you mean far too much to me.  I missed you all so much.  But I was in no state to interact with anyone.  The last two weeks have been some of the most depressing in recent years.  

I am no longer managing the bar, as someone was stealing and chose to frame me.  So I have been in and out of a solicitors office for the past fourteen days, and the company have chosen to settle out of court.  In all honesty I do not want to talk about it.  I really need to just draw a line under it and move on.  At least as much as I am able.

I can write nothing to adequately articulate how sorry I am that I vanished for so long.  I did not realise how much I needed you girls.  I have a lot of ground to reclaim.  So it begins now, as I start to trawl back through as many blog entries as I am able.

I missed you all, so much.

Much love,

Ella xx