Smurfs...

Hi di hi girlies, how is everyone? I hope wonderful is the answer (especially to those who were not feeling so great recently)!

So in disappointing news, I did not manage to get to the gym today, despite my best intentions. I have a reasonably good excuse! I got up this morning and went to a store to pick up some gym clothes, nothing too exciting just some baggy guy tee's (I hate to wear anything tight, especially around the supper fit and toned girls), some socks, you know the usual. So I had left myself plenty of time to buy my bits and pieces, get home and get ready for the gym, go to the gym for about an hour, and get home, get ready for work and be on time. My organisation was surprisingly efficient. I did not however, factor in being called into work early. Which is precisely what happened. I am thrilled. Never, fear, my gym bag will be packed and brought to work with me tomorrow morning so I can go in at about 8 pm tomorrow evening, on my way home. And as it is a Friday evening I am planning to stay there a couple of hours and even use the aromatherapy steam room (so long as no one else is there - and generally I find other people prefer saunas for some inexplicable reason). Oh and I am going to try the PowerPlate thingies that everyone is harping on about. Has anyone else ever tried one? If so what is the experience like? And any tips?

Despite not going to the gym, today will not have been devoid of exercise. I walked to the store about back home (about a half hour round trip), have walked to work and will walk back (about a 20 minute round trip) and will undoubtedly spend the vast majority of the night on my feet and running around like a headless chicken as we will be uber busy tonight, a rugby team is hosting a huge party, and for some inexplicable reason they are all dressing up as smurfs?! I love the smurfs as much as any other 20 something year old, but I cannot say i have a burning desire to paint myself blue and embody Smurfette! Each to their own I suppose.

Consumption has been fair, yesterday I had a box of frozen raspberries (96 cals), 2 frozen smoothie portions (194 cals), an organic cucumber with extra light Philadelphia cream cheese ( 58 cals) and a small tub of organic baby plum tomatoes (60 cals), oh those two slices of wholemeal bread with nothing on (190 cals). And copious amounts of diet coke and mineral water. So I reasonably okay with that. Today has been one portion of frozen smoothie (97 cals), on box of frozen raspberries (96 cals), some frozen mandarin segments (40 cals) - I am fully aware alot of what I eat seems to be frozen but it last longer - and I have brought an organic cucumber and some extra light Philadelphia cream cheese to work. Diet coke and mineral water should also help fill me up. fingers crossed we will get so busy that I spend the night rushing around burning calories and have no time to think about food!

Does anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend? mine consist of Friday night gym session. Saturday day i promised I would swing by L's store and have a look at the new collection she is marketing, followed by another gym session as she is having dinner with her family and the Boy is working. Sunday is all up in the air at the moment. I cannot imagine anyone possibly having more exciting plans than those!

Oh and I just wanted to say Harlow has a really pretty picture of her on her blog for a limited period only (thank you for re posting - time difference can be annoying), and she looks fantastic! I think Jenna is fit to burst at the idea of seeing Hair for her 21st birthday soon! And that Kat is planing to create her very own ana website with classic and original material which I cannot wait for and am sure it will be awesome!

I hope everyone on SBC is holding on, weigh day is tomorrow again. Hopefully my binge at the weekend has been counteracted at least a little otherwise I will probably be closer to my starting weight again which would seriously suck!

much love,

Ella xx

Absent...

Hi girlies, I am so sorry about my unexplained absence for the last 24 hours. I have been keeping up to date with everyone's blogs, but had no time to comment or write my own entries!

So other than being extremely and unexpectedly busy, the most important news is this: (and I am going to speak in the third person to emphasise it's significance) Ella went to the gym! You read it correctly ladies, I finally got off my bottom and went to the gym. I feel pretty good about it. I went this morning just before midday, and did a half hour on the elliptical trainer and ten minutes on the bike. I know it is hardly an impressive workout but just going is a huge step for me. Also it was a spare of the moment decision and I could only spend that much time there as I had to get ready for work. I did go before I ate anything which is apparently the best time to go too. But on a positive note I have signed up for some personal training sessions as the fitness manager is going to call me soon to make an appointment. I did point out that I needed a strict personal trainer as I have a tendency to stop something as soon as I get bored, and am very good at making up excuses (as I guess we all have to be). Whoever is training e needs to be impervious to my crap! He said they had a guy who used to train the marines, and I said he sounded perfect! So the fitness and calorie burning at the gym scheme is moving forward. in fact i am even going tomorrow day time! Look at me!

Consumption has not been to terrible the last two days, I failed at the water/diet coke fast, but still only had fruit (frozen raspberries and Mandarin segments - I am obsessed) and a little extra light Philadelphia. So not as bad as it could have been. Today i have had some frozen raspberries (96 cals for a huge tub), and 2 slices of wholemeal bread with nothing on as I really needed something filling at that will last me until I get out of work at about 2 am (having been here since 2 in the afternoon) and I would say they are about 100 cals a slice. I burned 300 cals at the gym, and I will have spent about 45 minutes walking today by the time I get home. Gosh, that paragraph was a little all over the place!

Oh, and in response to Maggie's question about the frozen raspberries, they are delicious! I buy them from the grocery store, they come in 350g boxes, and the whole thing comes to 96 cals. I just eat them as they are. I take a box out of the freezer and leave it for about 5 or ten minutes to start thawing a little, and then dive in. They warm up a little and i just pull them apart and consume them. Why i prefer them to regular raspberries is that they take so much longer to eat, so I don't wolf them down and then go onto something else. The only down side is that the freeze my finger tips and turn them pink! But I can live with that! I have just bought frozen mandarin slices too and they are almost as scrummy but not quite!

It seems as though quiet a few people are feeling not so great, so I just want to send all my love out and hope everyone starts to feel better!

Much love,

Ella xx

Finally...

Hi girlies, sorry for my distinct lack of update last night. The Boy was being supremely selfish and monopolising the laptop, and I consoled myself by watching much Poirot. I love Poirot, and David Suchet (I am sure that almost none of you will have a clue what I am talking about).

So, in items of note, I finally quit my old gym and joined the Fitness First located about a four minute walk from my apartment. So I have no excuse, and I actually feel very positive about it. I plan to go tomorrow evening (about 9pm) after work. I do not know anyone who goes to this gym in all honesty, but I may try to convince L to go with me (at least some of the time). But either way I am still going to go. I am aiming for 3 times each week, at least. They also have aromatherapy steam rooms! Which is heavenly as I adore them. I cannot stand saunas though, they always seem to burn my nostrils as I forget about what happens when you breathe really deeply through your nose! Steam rooms are amazing, and the eucalyptus and lavender scents are so dreamy! Also I plan to have a massage there as soon as I can, as I have been sleeping in very strange positions lately and am constantly waking up with either neck ache, back ache or both! Also I love massages!

Yesterday I did not do so well at the liquid fast. I would not say it was a binge. But I ate a fair bit. But is was all healthy (fruit mainly, cucumber and a turkey steak), so I am not going to completely berate myself! Today has been fruit and cucumber. I really think I may be becoming addicted to these organic frozen raspberries, they are so delicious! I am actually going to the 24 hour grocery store after work (about 1am) to pick up some more!

Oh, I have just been invited to a birthday party in london at the end of march for a guy I was at school in singapore with. I have not seen him in years but we kept in touch. He is such a sweet guy, he was the youngest son of my german teacher and a history teacher in Singapore, so he was half german half south african. He is so smart and funny, I just like talking to him. This is going to sound so egotistical, and it is really not meant to be, but he was in love with me in Singapore (well as in a love as a 16 year old can be). We took french, german and history together. He would do the sweetest things, but I was so naive I never realised he liked me like that. He used to give me packets of my favourite sweets that he had specially doctored to only contain my favourite flavours every week. He did a lot of the things anonymously. On Valentines he would send a dozen red roses though the school service to me during class. At christmas he would send me candy canes. At easter he would send daffodils. And each thing would have a sonnet he had written for me signed anonymous. He never hit on me in real life though. We were friends but I would not have said yes, as I just didn't have those feelings for him. But he is the kindest guy ever. So I am so excited to get to see him so soon. The down side? Quite a few of my class mates (mainly only the boys) from my years in Singapore will be there, and I have not seen them since I was at my skinniest! So I need to power lose weight for then! Which is pressure!

I just wanted to say congratulations to Reese on getting engaged! I am so thrilled for you!

I hope everyone is holding on and doing well with SBC. Knowing i have this party means I am in need of it more than ever!

Oh and like everyone else sorry I have not commented for a little while blogger is being... difficult!

Much love,

Ella xx

Wavering...

Oh my goodness. I have just had a battle with my instinct. When I am work, my office is adjacent to the kitchen, and the chef is always trying to feed me. Food, freshly cooked and warm and smelltastic, keeps appearing on my desk. I am so used to absent mindedly picking at food all day, I have had to actively control myself. Which is not a massive hardship, but it does highlight how so much of my previous eating was a combination of habit and boredom!

I hope everyone is doing okay and I will check in with you all later!

Much love,

Ella xx

A New Beginning...

Morning girlies. So it is a Monday, and everything feels like you can (almost) wipe the slate clean and begin anew. So that is exactly what I plan to do. Much of the good work I have put in last week was cancelled out over the weekend. So I am invoke the right of 'Monday' and putting it all behind me and moving forward with renewed resolve and increased determination. I weighed myself this morning which was an interesting form of self flagellation! I knew it was not going to be good. Not at all. And (sorry to take the tone here) there had been no BM at all over the weekend. I am definitely going to get some lax today.

So the weekend is over and I am back at work. I am not thrilled. Not at all, but it is easier to restrict while I am here. As I outlined in a previous post, I only ever binge when I am home. Maybe I should become homeless! Or not. I have the feeling today is going to drag. I have some many thanks to do, and so few I want to do. The other manager here is driving me insane today. She keeps screwing with my software or breaking something then having a paddy and interrupting me and demanding that I fix everything. How did she cope when I was not here? It is a miracle the building did not burn to the ground. Okay, maybe that is a tad dramatic. But maybe that is the mood I am in this morning.

Today I am going to try and stick to the water/diet coke fast. I cannot be sure of how I will do. That is not to say I am not determined to succeed, it is just I am not absolutely sure I will. I do have a back up plan. after this weekend's gross marathon, I have prepped my kitchen. I have bought the Boy food he likes that I hate, so I will not be interested in eating that. I have stocked the freezer with fresh frozen raspberries, and have made frozen portion of innocent smoothies which are Delicious, uber healthy and organic! I also have organic cucumber and organic baby plum tomatoes. for emergencies I have that organic plum tomato soup, and mini tubs of extra light Philadelphia which are only 38 cals each. So I am pretty set for the week. I always feel better with a plan and with structure. Drifting is not good for me, which is why I will generally screw up over the weekend or when left to do absolutely nothing for too long.

Other distractions for today are quitting my current gym and joining a new one tonight. Spring cleaning (even though it does not quite feel warm enough to be spring here yet), washing hair, manicure, and who knows what else. I also need to book a hair appointment to deal with my split ends which are beginning to rear their ugly heads now! I just feel the more distracted I am the less likely to falter I am. So the plan is to stay busy, as much as possible. Oh and definitely to start going to the gym. imagine how much more I could have lost last week if I had combined my restricting with actual exercise! The best part about exercise (other than the steam room at the end) is that I never really feel like eating afterwards!

I am rambling I know! I guess I am putting off the mountain of work that is glaring at me, and trying to avoid the other manager. She is by the by a very good example of reverse thinspiration. I would say she is about 5 foot 4 inches and is about a US size 26! She is gargantuan! She is surprised (unbelievably) that she now has diabetes! Shocker! god I sound so mean. She is lovely, but also excessively irritating at times! And the comment about her size is not meant to be mean, I am just stating the facts.

Okie dokie, must dash for a while. I will be on later to bore you all a little more!

much love,

Ella xx

Resolve Reaffirmed...

Evening girlies, and before I say anything else I just wanted to congratulate all my SBC buddies on doing so well (and to anyone who did not do as well as they had hoped, there are three weeks left, so all our goals can be achieved).  I was a little late getting my stats to Rayray this week, but I have let her know them now, so hopefully she will be able to tack me on to the end of the list.  I never gave a starting weight, vanity prevents it I am afraid.  I am still to ashamed of letting myself go.  I know I not 'fat' by 'normal' standards, but who wants to be normal?  Anways, my overall goal for the month was to lose 10lbs, and on the most recent weigh in I was down 3.4lbs.  Which sounds reasonable and on track, but this weekend was a blowout.  In all honesty I really do not want to talk about it.  Not because it will make it seem less 'real', but because I have already put it behind me.  My resolve has been utterly renewed and it is a good feeling.  It was my first real lapse since restarting my ED lifestyle and it did not feel good at all, not even while I was doing it.  It has proven to me beyond all doubt that I have made the best choice and I on the right path.  I am not good with failure, I am afraid of it, but i have viewed this more as a hiccup and I have learned from it already!  So that is good.

I have just spent a glorious hour alone with my new issue of Vogue.  It is my version of the bible.  I just love the way each page reveals something so new and beautiful.  It fabric art, the photography, the articles and of course the models.  It is just so aspirational.

So my week is set to be reasonably dull and uneventful.  I am working Monday to Friday (Tuesday evening) and have a lot of paperwork to deal with, so I am thrilled.  I am planning to have a meeting Tuesday day with a tutor regarding some study i have been doing.  I am also going to quit my current gym, and join a new one about a 4 minutes walk from my apartment (and I have to walk past it when I go to and from work, so it is perfectly located) tomorrow evening, which should be excellent motivation.  

So in something that is almost interesting news.  I am, what I would consider, a very calm person.  I do not get too emotional, and have a reasonable level of self control.  I almost never lose my temper, it is almost like an annual thing.  My fuse is looooong!  I get that from my father (my mother has a tiny fuse, but everything blows over very quickly for her).  Anyway, I was out with L on last night and I almost snapped at someone.  A completely random guy.  Granted he was a complete and utter moron.  And I am being kind by saying that.  It was near the end of the evening, about half past midnight.  I had consumed one glass of sauvignon and two cocktails (I do not drink much, and never get drunk.  A control issue i would guess, compounded by the fact that I have been in bar work since I turned 18, so have seen the eefects of too much alcohol first hand) and I was at my favourite little cocktail bar, I am know all the staff there as it is owned by the guy who I used to work for, and who the Boy works for, so L and I always get looked after and watched out for.  But this guy walked in toward the end and he was clearly drunk, and if I am honest I think he was on something more than alcohol.  He started clapping really loudly to the music and would not stop.  Oh my god, he was so annoying and suddenly I could feel my temper fraying.  It was so unexpected and so unnecessary.  And then he started talking to me, and was far too close.  My personal bubble was well and truly burst to smithereens!  And I just kept telling him (politely as I do not believe in being rune, even if they deserve it) to please leave me alone, and to take a large step backwards.  Would he listen?  No.  This went on for about twenty minutes.  The clapping, the talking to me and saying inappropriate things, the being way to close, the constant yelling, the brazen foul language.  I was furious, and the worst part is that losing my temper over this was so silly that it was making me lose my temper!  Ridiculous right!  What a wonderful catch-22!  I was handling it, until he grabbed my bottom.  Wow.  I had to make a split second decision between introducing my knee to that guy's nether regions, or just grab my stuff and walk out.  It was, in all honesty, an easy decision to make as I am not a violent person in any way.  But the thought did flash across my mind.  So I chose the latter.  The funny thing was about 30 seconds after I left (L came of course, she was closer to hitting him than I was!) I got this flood of messages on the blackberry from all three bartenders, the manager of the bar and one of the doormen.  Apologising for not getting rid of him sooner!  Bless them.  Oh well, at least I know I will not lose my temper for at least another year.  

Other than that my life this weekend has been uneventful!  I know it may sound pathetic to many people, but I am actually looking forward to watching the Academy Awards footage.  I love the awards ceremonies.  They are still so magical in this utterly aspirational but unreachable way.  A girl can dream though?  Beautiful women, with their amazing bodies clad in some of the most wonderful gowns designed like walking pieces of art.  I think I just enjoy 'hating myself'.  I must because I love looking at models and comparing all my flaws to their perfectness, and with actresses at awards shows, or in movies or just photographs.  And i honestly do really enjoy feeling terrible about me.  Strange isn't it!  

So it is the water fast (or as Rayray said, no cal fast as I could not go with out my diet coke).  Then Tuesday is to be just the above and my frozen fruit (those raspberries are so wonderful and low cal).  Thursday will be another 'Tuesday' and Friday another 'Monday'.  I hope everyone else on the challenge has another successful or more successful week!

Much love,

Ella xx

PS  I cannot believe 12 people actually follow my blog.  I am so honoured, thank you so much xx

Weigh Day...

Good morning girlies, especially my SBC co-challengers.  It is weigh day, anyone else hear ominous music in their heads?

So yesterday went from disappointing to more so after I signed off last night.  I had another two small turkey steaks (200 cals) and some more Philadelphia extra light and wholewheat thins ( 60 cals and 38 cals).  I need to have some kind of lock placed on my mouth that is set to reject anything that is not necessary so that I do not collapse!

However, in an attempt to look on the bright side (I am sure you are wondering how there could possibly be a bright side), I reached an Epiphany last night considering my little binges.  I suddenly know when and why I do them.  I am alone, always and with out fail (though I am sure that is the same for everyone else).  And I am always alone at home, I never go to MacDonald's and binge or something.  I do not binge when I am upset, or happy or angry.  My binges are not emotional.  My binges are triggered by boredom, pure and utter boredom!  This may not sound like a major breakthrough, but I have been convinced I am an emotional eater but could never pin point what it was.  So a plan has formed to help combat this.  I always am at home, alone and extremely bored at least 3 times per week.  So it will be these days that I use to go to the gym.  And yes I am quitting my plush gym and joining the one just down my road instead so I have no time constraints and no excuses.

Has anyone else noticed I am avoiding the subject of the weigh in?  Well I did a preliminary one, and will send my result to Rayray, but I have also just noticed (and sorry if this grosses anyone out) that I cannot recall any BM for a few days now.  So I am going to buy some herbal lax.  I know we all say we should not take them, but a few days is a while, and it is weigh day.  So I will take them (maybe tomorrow when I am not meant to be going to a movie later) and then re-weigh, see what kind of difference it makes.

Moving on, as for making up for yesterday, I am planning to only have a diet coke, mineral water and gum all day.  Then at the cinema I will get these fat free slush things that are nutritionally void, but at least have almost zero cals (and taste yummy) and maybe a little popcorn before cocktails and that is it.  I have not even thought about tomorrow yet.

Okay girlies, must dash, errands to run!

much love as always,

ella xx

Friday is Over...

Hi girls, Friday is drawing to a close and the weekend looms.  Today was a designated food day, I knew that, and even though I stuck to my allotted (well just under) cals, I don't know I feel kind of, gross.  It makes no sense, everything I ate was healthy, but still.  And the worst part is the food seems to have made me hungrier.

So breakfast - fat free mandarin yoghurt (54 cals) and a box of pomegranate seeds (55 cals)

Lunch - fresh prawns (150 cals) and tuna fillets with herbs (60 cals)

Dinner - two lean turkey steaks (220 cals), organic baby plum tomatoes (44 cals) and organic cucumber (12 cals)

Snacks - mini tub of Philadelphia Extra Light (38 cals) and two wholewheat thins (40 cals) and a box of organic frozen raspberries (94 cals)

Total - 767 cals.

But looking back at it I feel disgusting!  The list is long, but all the portions were small.  This sucks.  This is a classic example of how my ED is playing games with my mind.  how can I feel so guilty and depressed?  767 cals is good for a full food day on no sleep right?  Oh my god.  What do you guys think I need to know.  

Damn, I was so relaxed a few minutes ago and now I am completely stressed!

Much love,

ella xx

Icy Raspberries...

Good evening girlies, how is everyone doing?  I hope good!

So, I walked all the way home from work, only to realise I had locked my keys in the apartment in the morning without realising, so I had to drag myself all the way to the Boy's place of work to get his set!  At least I burned of cals, especially as I was lugging a really heavy bag avec moi!

Well I am safe and sound and inside now.  I am really living the rock and roll lifestyle tonight ladies, I am in my pj's, on my sofa watching CSI, and plan to take a really hot bubble bath with candles and a girlie movie on (yea I have a tv in my bathroom, but never fear it is safe and waterproof and installed in the wall - I love it, so relaxing).  

So I have eaten two turkey steaks since I came home (circa 220 cals as although they are supposed to be only 100 each, they seemed a little bigger than normal), 45 cals worth of baby plum tomatoes and I am now snacking on the greatest discovery ever.  Fresh frozen raspberries!  They are amazing.  They are delicious, take ages to eat/suck and are only 27 cals per 100 grams.  even 'if' I eat the whole box, it will only be 94 cals!  i am filling my freezer with them!

So moreish!

much love,

ella xx

Just a Quickie Update...

Today has been busy, lots of rushing about, which is good as it burns calories (even if my feet ache)! So it is about half two in the afternoon here and I have been at work since 7 am. I have thus far had 1 mandarin fat free yoghurt (54 cals), one packet of pomegranate seeds (55 cals) and a pack of plain prawns (150 cals) oh and diet coke and mineral water of course! I am planning to have something else in about a half hour - some tuna fillets in herbs which come to 164 cals. So for my day at work I will have had 423 cals (plus a couple from diet coke). I have my apartment to myself tonight as the Boy is working all night. So I think dinner will consist of a very simple salad (lettuce, cucumber and baby plum tomatoes) with a turkey steak thrown in, so about 180 cals including a bit of balsamic vinegar. then that gives me a spare couple of hundred to have some fruit and a yoghurt later in the evening and still stay below 800 for the day. What do you think?

So fingers crossed I will stick to the plan!

How is everyone else doing?

Much love,

ella xx


***Update***

Tuna fillets were so bland that I thought there is no point in even eating them, so they work out at about 60 cals (safe estimate) as I threw the vast majority away. So until I go home, the total stands at about 325 cals.

ella xx

Mornings...

Hi girls. So if anyone has paid attention to my ramblings thus far, they may recall that I am a Bar manager, so often have to do uber late nights. Well last night I had the evening off (I finished at 9pm instead) as the other manager needed the day off. So that meant I had to come in at 7am. I had plenty of time off in between right? that is what I thought. We had a really busy night last night and it seemed all hell broke loose as the supervisor on duty was sending me messages until nearly 4am! So that is right I got all of 2 hours sleep! Coupled with the fact that I not a morning person, you can imagine how 'chirpy' I feel right now! Sigh... I will not bore you with anymore work details other than the one thing, through all the chaos, that made me laugh out loud this morning... A girl set her jeans on fire! Apparently it involved a discarded cigarette, turn ups on the girls jeans and many confused drunk people! Oh the imagery!

So, moving onto to something that just might be of more interest to you. Yesterday's consumption. so yesterday was supposed to be a liquid fast, partly because that is what I had planned, and partly to abate my freak ou ton Wednesday (which I am now fine about, because, even though I broke a rule - and I am sorry - the daily total was still minimal for a food day). Well the way things worked out I was up and at work by 9am, without breakfast (overslept), and was so rushed off my feet all damn day (with ankle weights on to burn extra cals) that all I consumed until 10pm was diet coke (gallons of it) and sugar free gum. So maybe 10 cals as the gum is about 2 cal per half pack and I had one pack. Well I had to walk all the way to the grocery store with the Boy after work (so add an hours walk to the daily total - all though not with ankle weights), and we did our weekly shop. He bought so much yummy stuff, but I stuck to my guns and avoided nearly all carbs (although I did buy these Danish uber low fat and low cal wholewheat ryvita type things which are only 20 cals a piece just in case I desperately need some) and bought only low fat, low call, protein and calcium rich food. So I am pretty pleased.

When I finally got home I was thoroughly exhausted and shaking like a leaf. I know that may sound dramatic, but I think it was a combination of purging the day before (as I said it really takes it out of me), being on my feet and running around all day, and having almost zero cals until 10pm. So at that point I had the organic, low cal tomato soup (280 cals), a fat free mandarin yoghurt (54 cals) and a packet of fresh pomegranate seeds (55 cals), and a load of mineral water to make up missing it all day. So in total the day came to 399 cals. Not too shabby for a really long and arduous day!

So yea, returning to the topic of work for a bit of a grumble (sorry girls) as previously mentioned I had to be here super early today for the open to get all the deliveries and whatnot. And how I was not granted peace to sleep until half 4! But truth be told I could not sleep anyways, I think it was a combination of my phone constantly going off (and I know you think I should have probably just turned it off, but part of my role as manager means I need to be contactable 24/7 in case of emergency - or at least while the bar is open), the knowledge I had to be up really early (as for some reason that usually stops me sleeping) and cramps in my calves. Fun with a capital F! So for that reason (tiredness and calf cramp) I am not wearing the ankle weights today. Just giving the legs a bit of a rest, although I will still spend most of the day on my feet rushing around.

I think I am beginning to remember why I never slept the first time my Ed was more prevalent. I find it hard to sleep on an empty stomach, I don't know, maybe my body feels less 'content' - a little like going into hibernation though not quite so drastic! And then the next day my body turns sleep deprivation into appetite! Oh lucky me right! Could I moan anymore? And it is only 9:45am!

Okie dokie, I have much to do, but will update as the day goes by, to let you all know how I am doing.

Oh, I am so glad to hear everyone is okay, I have just read all your blogs. I am sorry that some people are not feeling well, and still jealous that harlow is the DR! Weigh in tomorrow ladies, so good luck and fingers crossed we are all on the right track!

Talk to you later,

Much love,

Ella xx

Slightly Happier...

So yesterday was all very dramatic. I think my blow-out was in part due to stress at work. Combined with eating, and then purging, it was all a little much for me to bottle up as I would usually. And as I do not vent in real life, I am afraid you unlucky ladies were subjected to my blog vent instead.

I would have updated later in the evening to let you all know how the day drew to a close. We became so busy that I was out on the bar all night, and by the time I finally got home I just went to bed as I had to be back at work 8 hours later! Oh the joys of being a bar manager! Anyway.

In my last update yesterday I said I was around 300 cals (after my yoghurt and purging), just to be on the safe side, I am going to up it to 400 cals. I know I said I was not going to eat any more that day, but I had not banked on being rushed around and on my feet solidly for about 6 hours afterwards. And I don't know if anyone else finds this, but purging really took it out fo me, maybe that is because I am really not good at it! So I am afraid I did eat. When I got home I had 3 (yes 3) Philadelphia extra light mini tubs. each was 35g, and contain 38 cals. So The total for the day was 514 cals. Throughout the day I had loads of diet coke and mineral water. So that was 0 cals. All in all, considering yesterday was a food day, the final total was not too bad. I also spent the day at work with my ankle weights on (Walking to and from work as well), and ran up and down 6 flights of stairs, 7 times which came to 42 flights up and 42 flights down (in a purge induced panic to burn off some extra cals), so I am pretty sure I am okay now.

Today was appointed as a liquid fast (but not a water/diet coke fast). So far all I have had today is diet coke (yes I will get the mineral water in later) as I can have as much as I like for free at work. I am going to the grocery store after work (I don't finish until 8 pm sigh) to pick up several cartons of the organic and extremely low cal tomato soup I love. And that will be my 'food' for tonight. I need to get an early night tonight, as I am not good with early mornings and need to be at work by 7 am tomorrow. I am not thrilled! So I will update later, but that is my plan and I will do my damn-dest to stick to it!

Oh, I read in someone else's blog (I am really sorry I cannot remember right now who's) that she had to say goodbye to her boobs, and lots of other girls commented that they too missed theirs. Is anyone other than me looking at the prospect of losing their boobs as a major perk? I have always hated having boobs, I feel they just get in the way and annoy the hell out of me. I always wanted to relatively flat. Maybe a B cup, I am DD cup naturally, but they don't appear to be that big as I am tall. I just always wanted that waif/boy-ish figure that the runway models flaunt, I just find clothes look so much more beautiful on that. I do not like to flash much skin so cleavage is a big no-no for me. Also I like to wear a lot of mens tops with feminine jeans and delicate pumps in a relaxed and girlie androgynous style, and they tend to not lay as well if you have boobs. I know, strange question. But I wondered if I was the only one looking forward to relinquishing them!

Okie dokie, still at work!

Much love,

Ella xx

Panic Subsiding...

Okay, so I apologise for my rant a few minutes ago. I also apologise for swearing. But we all have limits to our civility. So I have stopped shaking, and freaking out. Well almost. I managed to stave off a panic attack. What an achievement. Well not really, but I was the cause of my own panic, so not quite as impressive as it should be. Maybe that was the only reason I could stop it. I just needed to purge, and get it out of my body.

So, I back in my office again. My day was going really well. I had everything planned out, and then she gave me that food. I should have thrown it at her. But then again, that is not very polite is it?

So, an action plan must be developed. My total for today is just shy of 300 cals. (I am pretty sure that in the few minutes that food was inside me I did not absorb the cals).

So it was 250 cals from before, and a fat free yoghurt at 54 cals. So that is it for today. I have my ankle weights on and will be walking up and down flights of stairs most of the evening in an attempt to work some of the cals off. No more food all day. Only diet coke and mineral water.

Tomorrow is going to be liquid fast, just like yesterday.

I have the shakes again... one minute please...

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Okay I am back.

Guess I will write later when I am not so preoccupied with mentally beating myself up.

much love,

Ella xx

Why...

What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously I am such an f-ing loser. I can barely stand to be me sometimes. I toyed with not putting this on here, but why not? I deserve the judgement and the ridicule. I deserve to be mocked and laughed at. Yes ladies and ladies, I just ate rubbish. I had two large tables spoons of baked beans (that was the healthiest part), two sausages and a few chips, I just worked it all out as about 800 cals. What the hell?! And there was hardly any food. I knew they would be around and I though I would be able to just deal with it. And it turns out I am too much of a waste of human life to have even an ounce of self control. I have clearly just undone any of the hard work I have done this week so far. You want to know how much my body hates me? I immediately went to purge (I know it is against the rules, but you must understand?!) and I was in the bathroom for like ten minutes trying, I had my fingers so far down my throat I could not put them in any more, and nothing. Instead I now have a bruised and sore throat and all those cals inside me.

I am on the verge of a panic attack, and I hate, hate, hate myself right now. All I ever seem to do is sabotage my own life. I will not consume another thing today, not that that should be hard, my throat kills. If only I was better at purging. Why can't I do it?! Just another reason that I suck.

FUCK!


**Update**

As soon as I posted the first half of this, I went back to the bathroom. I managed to purge it. Well about 75% of it. I know it goes against the SBC rules, but I just had to. I am work, I cannot break down or start crying. I am supposed to be the manager for god's sake. I just had to. It hurt. My eyes were streaming, and my head is pounding a little now. I know it sounds dramatic but I really am not a fan of purging. I said before I always seem to turn it into some kind ordeal. I hate myself still right now. But at least my total for the day is only about 300 cals (I had a fat free yoghurt for breakfast). I cannot believe I am such an idiot.

FUCK! (again)

A quick recap...

Hi, me again.  I know i post a lot as the moment, but it is helping to keep me focused!  So to recap today's consumption before I finally head off to bed:

Mineral water (finally got my 2 litres, seriously, does anyone else find water boring?)

Diet coke

Sugar free gum

Organic tomato soup.  Two coffee bowls worth came to 264 cals.

And that was that.  Yes I stuck to my liquid fast today, I am pleased.  I am having a food day tomorrow and then back to the liquid fast on Thursday.  Hopefully that will help shift a few pounds before the weigh in!

Does anyone else use the tiny cutlery/crockery routine to help cut down how much they eat?  i cannot remember where I heard about it, probably some magazine exposing 'crazy celeb diets' or whatnot.  I use the smallest crockery I can to make small portions appear larger, like i have soup in a coffee bowl instead of an actual bowl.  I just see that the bowl is full and not the size of the bowl, so my brain is 'tricked'.  then i also used kiddie cutlery or teaspoons to make myself eat slower, so i am in more control.  I find it really helps.  The brain takes something like twenty minutes to register that you are 'full', and most overeating is done in that time.  So yea, just wondering!

Spent the day with my ankle weights on again, just took them off.  It is such a strange feeling, really! 

I was thinking about weighing myself, but that is such a daft idea, it would undoubtedly only depress me!

So, I am tired, and am going to head to bed.  I promise that when i post tomorrow, I will say something worth reading!

Oh, how is everyone on SBC doing?  I hope everyone is holding on, just think about the first weigh in and what you want those scales to say.  

Much love everyone,

Ella xx

Dum di dum dum...

So I am at work, and I could swear I am stuck in some rift of he space/time continuum. Time is passing impossibly slowly. So how is everyone's day going? Mine has been okay thus far. Consumption has been minimal. I have only had mineral water, diet coke, and a cup of the organic soup (130 cals I would say). so have stuck to the liquid fast. I made the Boy toast earlier today with extra light philly. I so could have eaten that. But I am proud that I was able to handle the food without caving. I bought the mini tubs (individual mini tubs) and checked, they are only 38 cals for the whole thing. Which seems okay to me. It is more the flavour than the feeling of being full I need. obviously not today, but I can add those in. 38 cals is fine right? At least is is mainly dairy protein and not carbs. I am waffling!

So the rest of the day is planned. I am going to have another cup of soup at about ten or eleven in the evening (in about 3 hours), and just stick with the diet coke and mineral water. I think that should make up for last night/the water fast. I really do not know why but I am finding it hard to drink water today, I am so bored of it. But I am trying to do the whole at least 2 litres a day thing. I never used to drink water, it just does not make me feel less thirsty. Again I think it is something to do with needing the sensation of taste and texture. Water has neither. Whereas diet coke tastes great and the carbonation gives texture, understand?

Oh, and you know when you are losing weight your clothes are supposed to find your clothes getting baggier and looser. Well in a typically undomesticated turn of events, I am losing weight but my clothes are shrinking, literally. Yes, I managed to shrink a load of tops I have. They still fit, but are tighter now. I am special I know. Just thought I would share my ineptitude!

The ankle weights have been on again today, and still feel odd, but I am enjoying the feeling that they are helping. God, I am boring in this post aren't I?

I will leave it for a while, and update later. I suppose I really should carry on with my paperwork. Sigh...

Love you all,

Ella xx

The mornig after...

Morning ladies, so it is the morning after the dinner out in one of my favourite restaurants with the Boy.  I was wondering who I was going to cope, and would I end up binging.  Sure I had a plan, but sometimes we all no one second of weakness can fling them out of the window.  Anyways, let us address yesterday's consumption...

Before dinner I had mineral water (about a litre and a half), caffeine free diet coke, a 'Skinny Water' (one of the bio-synergy things - 8 cals) and that was that.  So it was going pretty well I think, at least for me!  (this time two weeks ago, I was still eating like a 'normal' person).

For dinner I had the organic salmon sashimi (raw fish) with soy sauce to dip it in, and a side salad of just various types of green leaf dressed only in balsamic vingear and fresh squeezed lemon juice.  oh and one glass of wine, and a lot of water.  I am actually pretty pleased, considering.  Oh and I even resisted the bread basket which contains sliced of warm, freshly baked wholemeal bread and I love bread.  Okay so I ate everything (it is hard to stop when it is one of your favourite things and tastes so so good) but calorific content was about 400 cals.  which I know sounds a lot, especially on the water fast day, but I am surprised, and you will not believe how many times I told myself no.  without a little self control it could have easily spiralled, and I would have been having 3 courses and bread and anything else they offered!  So yea.

In an effort to make up for it, I am on a liquid fast today and on thursday.  And to be honest I am trying to restrict that to mineral water, diet coke, skinny waters and the organic tomato soup which is yum and low cal.

Other news?  Um, I must have been shattered because I slept about 12 hours straight last night, from half twelve til half twelve, which throws the gym out of the equation.  I was actually planning to go - honestly.  But I just will not have enough time to get there, work out, get back, shower, wash my hair (I have to do that at home as I hate the showers there, and I do not like being in the locker rooms, they are very nice, but people feel far to liberated!), dry it get ready for work and get to work.  So I will go tomorrow morning.  I know it seems so lazy that I slept that long, but I run a bar, and my sleep pattern is non existent.  My body just gets what it needs when it can, so I leave it to do that.  

I have read all your updates about water fast monday, and I am so proud of you all!  Well done everyone, and slightly annoyed I was not able to be a part of it the whole way through.  With the help of a couple of girls (Jenna and Rayray) I have been able to reconcile that, realising it was not my fault, and I made the Boy happy which means a lot.

I have work tonight and cannot tell you how little I want to go, I mean do not want to!

Well I have a few things to get done before I get ready to go.  I will be posting an entry later for sure.

Stay strong, much love

ella xx

Bad News...

The belated Valentines dinner with the Boy has had to be moved due to my work schedule.  As outlined before it was set for Thursday.  Well just to prove fate is not on my side today, the only night I can do it is tonight.  Marvellous, and on my water fast day.  I cannot let the Boy down as he is looking forward to it, and it would be so unbelievably selfish to do that.  So I am just going to have to make up for it later in the week.  So today will have been a water/diet coke fast until my sashimi (I will obtain actual calorific content later), and I guess Thursday will be a sever liquid fast - water, diet  coke and the organic tomato soup which is only about 246 cals.

I am so sorry everyone, and I know it sounds like an excuse, but I just did not foresee this.  Hope you all can forgive me.

I will update later,

much love,

ella xx

Random entry...

This is just a random entry to save my sanity! work is driving me up the metaphorical wall today. So far I have only had mineral water and caffeine free diet coke. So I am actually sticking to the water fast. I think, to a large extent, that is mainly down all of you. Knowing you are on the water fast for SBC too is comforting, and reminds me more acutely that I am not going through this alone. Coupled with that, is the fact that I really do not want to let you guys down, or myself down by being the only one who caves.

Oh and I will be consuming 8 cals today drinking a 'Skinny Water' bio synergy drink which encourages your body to break down your fat stores for energy. Hope people don't mind!

Thinking of you,

ella xx

Back at work...

Morning girls. So after five days away from the office I am back with little to no vengence. I cannot quite explain how little I can be bothered to be here. And just to add to the miny moan, there is so much financial stuff for me to do that I will be in the office all day (the other manager is apparently incapable of adding or any other simple mathematical function). Wow, I am so lovely today. Okay, moving swiftly on...

How is everyone doing with SBC? Water fast today, or at least for me water fast and caffeine free diet coke. I have said it before, but I am really trying to reduce my caffeine consumption. Not only does it make me super dehydrated which makes my skin dehydrated, but I just do not think I even feel the effects of it anymore as I have so much, which defeats the purpose. So that explains that.

I am planning a liquid fast tomorrow to, to compound the good effects of today. Wednesday will be a food day. Thursday was going to be a liquid fast, but the Boy is determined that is the night he is taking me out for dinner. Which is very sweet. I chose the restaurant, a lovely swanky seafood place I am addicted too. And to be thoroughly prepared, I have already decided my meal - they do this amazing sashimi salmon there with soy sauce and wasabi, so uber healthy and minimal cals. So the plan is to liquid fast during the day, and the sashimi will be my only solid food (and the side salad, got to have the greens). Friday and the weekend are unknown a the moment. They will be food days, just minimal food days. Oh and have I mentioned I am trying to totally reduce carbs? It has been going okay!

I do not even want to address going to the gym, but I will. I hate going, but I know I should, it is just a painful reminder of how unfit I have let myself become, bearing in mind about 4 or 5 years ago I used to do about 30 hours of sports and training a week! Sigh. Also my gym, whilst being lovely and plush, is about 3 miles from my apartment, and I know I should take that opportunity to increase my work out, but ugh. Lazy! So I am thinking I will quit there and join the Fitness First gym about 4 minutes walk from my place. Less excusable that way, and more convenient! On the plus side I invested in soem light ankle weights to wear all day everyday to increase the number of cals I burn in everyday life, I am wearing them now, thank god you cannot see them under my trousers! Walking to work felt odd!

Back to the Boy. I think I have underestimated how perceptive he can be, or I have overestimated my ability to be subtle. Maybe a little of both. He definitely knows I am on some kind of 'health' kick. And he knows I have a past. The guy is not stupid. But I get the feeling he ha snot decided what I am doing yet. So he will do his sit back and see what happens routine. I really hate to lie to him, but it looks like I will have to get the sneaky cap out of the drawer. Sigh, it just doubles the effort, oh well. At least I can always say I ate at work because we serve food and he knows the chef is always trying to force feed me something. I just do not want to spend money on food I will only be pretending to eat. Such a waste!

Okie dokie, well I am work, and have been putting off any actual work by writing an email and a blog entry to bore you all with. Guess I had better start operation 'What the hell did she do to my financial system, filing system, payroll system, ordering system, budgeting system, any system in the 3 days I was not here?!'. Catchy name right?

Much love to everyone, and to all the SBC girls stay strong! We must keep each other going.

ella xx

Not so bad...

So today has not been so bad, so far.  This is just going to be a quick update of consumption for the day, so i am afraid no boring and long winded account of my day and/or feelings!  You get to enjoy that tomorrow.

So far today:

Mineral water (memo to self:  get that Brita water filter)

Caffeine free diet coke

Organic plum tomato soup which was exactly 246 cals according to the carton.

Fat free Mandarin yoghurt at 54 cals.

2 and a half healthy living lean turkey steaks (they are moreish) at about 280 cals.

So far, a total of 580 cals.  I will update later if I eat more.

Inevitable Update:  another turkey steak and a fat free yoghurt.  Today's grand total is 650 cals, so not too bad all things considered!

Am about to go do my nails as it is very distracting and impossible to eat with wet polish!

stay strong on the water fast tomorrow ladies (yes I know I will be cheating by adding diet coke, but I am addicted to it).

Much love,

Ella xx

Sundays are always followed by Mondays...

Morning ladies, I was in a slightly better mood when I woke up this morning, but only slightly.  I actually slept for ages!  Only getting up at one!  Must have been tired.  Oh well, so I had better quit trying to stall and address the gross-ness that was yesterday's food!  Oh god...

So, Lunch for mother's birthday was covered (about 280 cals from olives and a chicken salad - of which I only ate half) and I only drank diet coke and water all day which is 0 cals.  Then L demanded I be here valentine as the Boy was working and she is single, and as previously discussed I went to the Japanese noodle bar close to my apartment.  I worked out the meal was probably somewhere in the region of 500 cals (gross) and then we went for cocktails which were probably about another 400 cals.  So for the day about 1200 cals.  I did honestly think about purging, but I didn't because a) I hate it, and b) in all honesty I am pretty terrible at it.  I think my body hates doing it so much it struggles against and it ends up being a bit of an ordeal.  I tried to rationalise it by telling myself, for eating out twice in one day it is not the worst it could have been by about 15000 cals, and it was valentines.  And tomorrow (today) is a new day and up to me.  So then i went to bed.

Today has been a usual boring Sunday.  There is something so depressig about Sundays, as they are always followed by a monday (in case you did not realise).  Anyway today I have done a few things, i walked into and around town and 'mooched' in shops looking at all the beautiful skirts I desperately want but refuse to wear until I am thin.  I did buy a few basic pieces from Hennes (H&M) and yes, I finally invested in my very own pair of electronic scales.  I know it must seem weird for someone with an ED to not own scales, but I have legitimate excuses.  When I first developed my ED, I was still living at home and my parents had some.  Also scales can very often be detrimental to me as I suddenly start over weighing myself and do it way too often, so that the decrease is aways minimal (seriously how much did I think i could lose in 8 hours?!) and then I get all depressed and then angry and it could lead to binging.  I know that sounds like an over reaction but there you go.  I like things to be done straight away, and get frustrated that my weight loss is not as willing to be instantaneous!  Oh and I bought some ankle weights, some I can wear them all day under my trousers to burn a few more cals.  They are not heavy ones, only 1 kg each so I will not build muscle!  It was just a though I had and it seems to make sense.

So, onto SBC '09 goals.  I am not going to post my weight up here yet, I am still ashamed of myself for getting to the weight I am, and it embarrasses me.  So I am doing my weigh in's on a 'lbs lost' scale.  My weight goal is to lose ten lbs (some people may say that is alot, but I need something a bit extreme or I will go nuts for the first two weeks, reach my goal and then coast the last two, which is counter productive).  So on each weight in I will let you know how many lbs I have lost, instead of what my weight is.  Make sense?  My personal goal is to go to the gym at least 3 times a week (which would be 3 times a week more than I do now).  So there you go.

oh and today's consumption has been minimal.  Some diet coke, mineral water, and I will have some turkey for protein later, and I have an organic plum tomato soup that has only 150 cals.  So hopefully I can claw back a little from yesterday.  And water fast tomorrow!  I am not going to lie for me it will be water and diet coke fast, as I need some flavour.  Hope people do not think it is cheating, I just know I will break if it is only H2O!

Okie ladies, logging off for a while, I hope everyone is staying strong.

Much love,

ella xx

Another night out...

Ah this sucks!  Why do I always bend to L's will?!  I am tired, and really cannot be bothered to write down all my consumption today, but it is definitely around the 1000 cals mark.  Which makes me feel a little sick to be totally honest.  

I think I will save the torture of listing everything and being honest until the morning, and just grab a caffeine free diet coke and head to bed.

I hope everyone is in a better mood than I am, oh and my SBC '09  goals will be made public tomorrow too!

Night ladies, stay strong.

Ella xx

Valentines, sigh...

Hi ladies, happy valentines.  I just don't get it personally.  Maybe it is because it is my mother's birthday, and so was raised to think of February 14th as such instead of a romantic day.  Either way it is so arbitrary!  Although the Boy and I always do cards (he writes poems, so cute) and I get flowers, which is nice.

Well he is working tonight, and I was getting ready for a relaxing night in after spending the daywith the Family, but L seemed to have other plans!  She is playing the Best Friend having a personal crisis card, again!  Second time in two days!  And is demanding that I not only alleviate her stress regarding her sister's pregnancy (L's sister has had a lot of issues, and tends to think she is an 18 year old still, even though she is nearly 31!).  Also she is depressed she is single (I have no idea why, being single is amazing!  The only reason I am with the Boy is that i love him just that little more than I love being single.  I am also a prude, by the way!  So not that side of being single!

Anyways, she is insisting i go out for dinner with her, but only to the japanese noodle bar close to me, then cocktails.  oh god.  At least japanese is relatively healthy but I was really planning to have just a fat free yoghurt (or two tonight) and sit on the sofa (the Boy is bar manager too, and is working all night).  So consumption wise, I had to go to lunch with my family which means scrutiny, so i had olives as a starter (yum) and a plain chicken salad with soy sauce.  So I worked it out and the salad was about 200 cals, and about 80 cals on olives (small portion).  So god knows what my daily total will be, which sucks!

Oh well, at least today is a food day otherwise i would be letting L down.  i guess i better go get dressed and sort myself out, to make myself presentable.  sigh.  being social is so overrated!

i will update when I get home, and sort out my SBC '09 post.

thank you for keeping me strong girls, i love you all.

ella xx

Ups and downs...

I have just come home, having been out for a few drinks with the best friend L.  on the plus side she had to work late and I did not end up meeting her until half past nine.  and was home be half past twelve, so three hours is not to horrific.  on the down side i was really tired.  i do not know why.  i can stay up until four in he morning when i am home, but as soon i step out by eleven i just want to go home.  i think it is partly because i am so bored of where i live.  oh well.

i went to meet her at this tiny bar that used to be the holding cells for the courthouse last century, it is actually pretty cute.  she works there occasionally in some evenings.  unfortunately i really do not like that manager there.  i do not tend to have really strong negative feelings towards others (i save all those for myself), but the vibe i get from her is just weird.  I do not like being around her.  L on the other hand is little miss social butterfly and is happy to get on with and go out with anyone and everyone.  so being there for the first hour and a half was tense for me.  we then were going to go to my favourite cocktail bar, but it had a private function going on, which sucked.  so we wandered to this swanky new bar that just opened, and is only a six minute walk from my house.  it was nice, but i spent my whole time yawning and i don't even know why!  

Then L saw a couple of people from her old place of work, and they came to sit with us.  I do not get involved in conversations very often, so sat there in virtual silence for about an hour.  oh and we also found out her sister is pregnant.  she has been sleeping with a couple of married/taken men and conceived with one.  She is thirty and keeping it, but it is so unexpected.  L is not thrilled!

So consumption wise i only have one (large) glass of sauvignon.  According to a some website i just checked that is about 190 cals.  Then i came home and almost had pasta with pesto, which is not great especially since i am trying to get off carbs.  i had the water boiling and the pasta right there, but i managed to turn it off and walk away to blog.  so thank you guys for that.  but i must admit i am hungry, and it is a food day, so i am going to cook another couple of turkey steaks.  protein and only 200 cals.  So that should bring my total for the day to circa 900.  i am not happy, i wanted to keep it under 800 cals.  So in a way i feel like a bit of a failure (there is that word again).

Anyways, I just wanted to say i am going to join up for Rayray's spring break challenge (even though I do not have spring break).  i am going to figure out my goals and let everyone know first thing tomorrow (which is going to be very early in the morning for you guys as I am about 6 hours ahead).

Valentines tomorrow.  the Boy also runs a bar in town and he has to work all day and all night, but i don't mind, i am not really into to the whole thing.  besides it is my mother's birthday so grew up celebrating that every year instead!  hope you all have lovely and possibly romantic days!

okie dokie,  stay strong ladies and have a wonderful valentines!

much love,

ella xx

i am not bored or anything...

honestly!  so so far today i have consumed one vanilla muller light (50 cals) and one mandarin muller light (50 cals).  Also 1 litre of mineral water, and a can of caffeine free diet coke.

I fully intend to have some more delicious turkey steak later.  and more water.  god my day sounds exciting.  the highlight thus far has been having a shower and washing my hair.  do not pity me, too much.

i really need to hydrate, i am always so dehydrated it is awful.  water does not do too much, and i am terrible at putting on moisturiser!  

ahhhhhhhhhhhh, bored.  i hope everyone's friday seems more eventful than mine.  not that it would be hard.

i am still worrying about tonight.  L loves to eat out, and not that she would question it if i decided not to eat, but it is the temptation that blows!  and alcohol on top of that.  although i could do with a glass of sauvignon, it has been a long week.  i have been sent home from work with stress related illness, although i think they over reacted.  i have tried to start restricting again (did anyone else find the first few weeks stressful).  it is my mothers birthday tomorrow and taht means lunch with them all which i had forgotten about until now.  god!  almighty!

my mood has just plummeted.

much love,

emily xx

apples...

just a quick question about apples.  i know from reading everyone's blogs that the apple is firm favourite.  is this because you like them, or they have some nutritional properties that are uber beneficial.

my problem is, and it has been this way since i was a young girl, apples make me hungry.  even if i eat one and was not hungry to start with, afterward i am guaranteed to be.

i just wondered how people view this very boring subject!

ella xx

F stands for Fail...

I think anyone who reads this blog should get used to the word fail.  i tend to sabotage myself in all aspects of my life, and it would seem my journey back to ana and back to thin is no exception.  So at 4 am this morning i woke up and made myself 2 and a half of those healthy living lean turkey steaks.  okay okay, so i know they are only 100 cals each, so 250 in total.  and i know turkey is a superfood with some amazing properties, and apparently the amino acids in it even help you sleep.  My annoyance is not about the calories.  for the whole day i probably hit just under 300 cals.  it was more the fact that i told myself no, but in the end i did it anyway.  i even had the check to justify it to myself by saying "I said tomorrow would be a food day and only fat free yoghurt and turkey, and it is tomorrow".

I suppose i should be grateful that it did not turn into a binge and i actually went back to bed to sleep more.  oh joy.

on a different not i need to go to town today and do all my errands i have been putting off in favour of staying in my sweats at home.  i can not be bothered.

right well this was really a very nothing-y entry.  it is just i have resolved to be absolutely honest on here, or else what is the point.  and if i were to lie i would deserve no one's support on here at all.

thank you again ladies,

ella xx

Itchy fingers...

Today has been long.  or at least it feels that way.

i have only just resumed a life of restriction after letting everything spiral for the past couple of years.  in which time i have become accustomed to eating all day, not meals, but nibbling constantly which sucks.  so i am finding my first day of liquids only challenging.

lets get the stats over and done with...  so far today i have consumed 2 litres mineral water (some with fresh squeezed lemon juice in), one cup of decaff green tea, 4 cans of caffeine free diet coke and some hot water with lemon slices.  I do not want to eat, i really don't, but my stomach has not jumped on the band wagon with me.  it is definitely squirming for some food.  but so far my resolve has stood firm.

i have started following rayray's and eva's blogs along with jenna's, and it is so inspiring and helpful to read other people's struggles and solutions to the problem we all face.  i am hoping that whilst i am finding it difficult now, that in a few weeks i will be back to my old self and my old self control will start to rule me, and not the rumblings.

i think i was a little gung-ho when i first started saying i would go straight to the master cleanse or a liquid fast.  as much as i would love to be able to do taht, and know it would be the perfect kick start to weight loss, it is just so ridiculously unlikely that i will stick to it and it will end up with me binging!  which is definitely not what i want.  so, the modified plan is to stick to liquid days monday, tuesday and thursdays.  the other days allow food but try and stick to high protein.  in fact i plan for at least the first week to only eat muller lights (fat free yoghurts with only 50 cals each) and these gorgeous healthy living lean turkey breast steaks from the health food place.  they are decent sizes and are only 100 cals each.  once my body is used to this, hopefully it will not take too long, i will then integrate planned fasts, of what i imagine would be 3 days at a time, moving to 5 days when i am able.  that seems sensible to me.  so fingers crossed.

i think i am addicted to blogs and blogging at the moment.  it is so distracting that it really helps me get through the huger pangs.

oh my god, the boy is making bacon sandwiches.  that is ridiculous.  sigh, not helping.

anyways, i think i will be going to bed soonish.  and fully intend not to break the liquid only day.  tomorrow i will have a fat free yoghurt for breakfast (50 cals), stick to the above liquids for the majority of the day, soem turkey steaks for lunch/dinner.  Potential issue, i have made plans to see my best friend L for (perhaps) a movie, but almost definitely drinks.  she does like her alcohol.  so must be sure to only have a little, although i should not worry as i never really drink much.  i guess i will entertain myself as always by lookign after her and making sure she does not hit on inappropriate guys when tipsy!  Maybe i will cook up a spare turkey steak and keep it in the fridge just in case i get the cocktail munchies tomorrow night.  to be fair, the more i think about it the less i want to go out in public.  but i suppose i should, so i do not let her down.  just the thought of being in public, with her (she is very glamarous and social and everything taht goes with it).

on an unrelated note, does anyone ever see clothes they adore in magazines and then buy them to slim into?  is it pathetic that i do that?  i figure if i shrink even smaller than what i buy, i can always take them to my tailor to get resized, you can always go down.  i find if it is something i love it can actually help with the whole thinspiration deal.

okay i am going to sign off now.  i say it is for the night, but who knows.

stay strong, and although i am sure no one really reads this, if you do, i just want you to know how much thinking about all you girls and the blogs you write has kept me going today.

much love,

ella xx

p.s. do you think yoghurt counts as a liquid?!  a really viscous one?!

Cleaning...

Today was a work free day in the quest to recover from impending illness.  And all I have done today is clean.  My apartment was a terrible mess.  I went into a frenzy in the bathroom and in the kitchen, two rooms which are gratifying when cleaned as they get all, well, shiny.  Would you believe we have been in this apartment ten months and we have still not unpacked.  Our spare bedroom is still full of boxes.  It is such a waste.  Believe it or not it was supposed to be my version of a walk in wardrobe/dressing room type thing.  What every girl would want right?  And that still does not motivate me.  What is wrong with me?

Not that that has anything to do with anything.  Food wise thus far today has been uneventful.  i have had mineral water and diet coke.  I am planning to have some decaff green tea, water with lemon, and some fat free yoghurt later.  i think that is it, or at least i hope that is it.

i just wanted to say congratulations to jenna for her new weigh in.  it is amazing!  i am so happy for her.  Do you want to know my cardinal sin?  I do not own scales.  The most basic weight loss equipment.  I was always too afraid to own them.  I will have to buy some soon.  Very soon.  But it will be so discouraging before i even really begin.  so maybe i will step on the scales when i next go to my parentals place, and then do it again a week later.  hopefully it will show some kind of decent reduction, and will spur me on before getting my own.  How lame is that?  

i have no idea what i am going to do for the rest of the night now.  My laptop screen is apparently on strike, and the back light has died.  so generally i am having to use the boy's laptop for all of this.  he knows i have a blog but is very good with privacy, which is helpful, also i have good passwords!  Not that it has anything to do with it.  He needs the laptop tonight, to go raiding on world of warcraft, yes we are both closet geeks despite out cool exterior!?!  So I am going to try and hook my laptop up to a desk monitor, and if that is the case i am set.  if not i will be so bored.  And that is when i do most of my mindless nibbling.  I sometimes do not even realise i have wandered to the fridge.  you know it is bad when you have reached that point.

God, i am bored already!  I suppose i could do some magazine clippings, clothes and pictures that thinspire.   sigh...

sorry this has been the most pointless post.  but it has at least taken my mind off food for the last fifteen minutes as i was getting hungry.

i guess back to cleaning, that helps too.  back on later.

much love,

ella xx