My vanishing act...

Morning girlies, this is a very quick and incredibly short note to say I am so sorry for my sudden absence. It is a convoluted and somewhat dull story, and the blame is firmly affixed to work, having to travel, and Internet related issues.

However, Ella's great and wonderful vanishing act is complete. This afternoon and evening will be spent catching up on all your wonderful blogs and comment where ever I am able, I promise to try and make it interesting!

I just wanted you all to know I have missed your entries, and you girls, so much this past week and have been thinking about all my friends in bloggerland constantly!

Much love as always,

Ella xx

Yawn...

Morning girlies. So it is nearly three in the morning here and I am still at work. Did I mention I have been here since half one in the afternoon. If I had the energy I would insert some very witty and sarcastic comment about my love of the job. As it happens my energy seems to have turned in for the night a fair while ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. So my total consumption for the day has been (mentioned below) 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), 1 cucumber (40 cals), diet coke (10 cals), 2 litres mineral water. In addition I have wolfed down another cucumber (40 cals) and 5 slices of organic wholemeal bread (I shall guess about 500 cals). I am ashamed, but I have been run off my feet all night long and my body seemed incapable to existing without carbs. Oh and I fully intend to have a helping of frozen smoothie when I get home (97 cals). so that makes my total for the day circa 730 cals. My speedy trip to the gym earlier today burnt off in the region of 390 cals, and i have done much walking and whizzing about the bar today so hopefully that helped. I am not devastated. I am planning for tomorrow to be a lot more like Monday, with very few cals consumed and a nice hefty session at the gym after work (mental note: pack gym bag as soon as I get home).

I really have to run as I have to be back in the darn office in, oh, 6 and a half hours. In that time I have to finish work, walk home, pack my gym bag, get to sleep, get ready and walk back. Thrilled does not quite cover my emotion right now. Sigh.

Much love,

Ella xx

Blood, sweat and no tears...

Evening girlies, and Happy St Patrick's Day to anyone who cares. The only reason I care is that I run a bar, and a fair amount of Irish people who come in, so it is likely to get rather busy later. Other than that I find the whole Paddy's day a little pointless. People seem to just use it as an excuse to go out, get trashed and behave like hooligans. Not my cup of tea I am afraid.

So, I apologise for my lack of update last night. The Boy has become increasingly selfish with laptop time, which I am not really able to have issue over as it is his laptop, and the only reason I have not got mine is that I refuse to pay an extortionate amount to have the lamp behind the screen replaced. So to update last night; I went to the gym after work as planned. It was not a crazy session in any way, I did 35 minutes on the exercise bike (-250 cals), and 45 minutes o n the elliptical (-550 cals) on an empty stomach. Consumption for the day was pleasing, I had 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals ish), a bag of mixed leaf salad with home made balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing (14 cals for the salad and circa 50 cals for the dressing) and a cucumber (40 cals). I drank 3 litres of mineral water, and a fair bit of diet coke (circa 15 cals). So, as I say I am not hating that.

Today I got up an went to the gym, but only had time to do a tiny workout, 20 minutes on the bike (-140 cals) and 20 minutes on the cross trainer (-250 cals). It was one of those days where my body was not really behaving, especially my legs, they feltlike they were made of lead! Oh well, something is better than nothing. Consumption has been 2 litres of mineral water, diet coke (5 cals so far), 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), a cucumber (40 cals) and 2 slices of wholewheat bread - carb needed - (220 clas to be safe). It is half 6 in the evening so hopefully not much more.

Today has been a better day, and my bad mood has disappeared. Which is pleasant for all concerned. I have to work all night (insert sad face), and be up early but not super early (insert sadder face) to work tomorrow day time. On the plus side that gives me plenty of time to fit in another gym session tomorrow (insert happy face). I apologise for the inserts, but i hate using simleys! i will update later, and hopefully report that have not binged as there are so many snacks everywhere, including a heap of flapjacks which I love. Oh and I just bit a mouth ulcer whilst eating my cucumber, and it is bleeding an dreally hurts!

much love,

Ella xx

Sunshine and Mood Swings...

Hi girlies, how is everyone today? I really hope everyone is doing swell.

I woke up this morning to find pure and unadulterated Sunshine streaming into my room, and the first thing I did was smile. A real, genuine, hopeful smile. It felt good. I seem to get this automatic and unstoppable high from sunshine. Especially when it is warm sunshine. My walk to work this morning was lovely. I was due to start at 10 am, so the journey was warm, bright and quiet.

I arrived at the bar and one minute past ten I was in a bad mood. The other manager came back after ten days off overreacting about some eye issue she has, and proceeded to moan about the most unimportant and quite frankly pointless things she could conjure up. not so much as a hello passed her lips before the barrage of moaning was expelled forth. It is the same every morning. To anyone who has not heard me mention her before, she is the other manager of the bar I run, she is nearly 60 years old and weighs about 20 stone (No I am not being facetious, that is her actual weight). I know the reason it got beneath my skin so quickly and absolutely, she stole my sunshiny high. I wait, or rather merely exist, all throughout winter, waiting for the sun and the warmth, and the first real day of spring the moan marathon began (I am fully aware I am now moaning, but that cannot be helped).

I will not dwell nor bore you with any more information. I am about to finish and head straight to the gym on my way home. I feel a little pumped, and am positive some elliptical abuse and angry music (well the angriest I tend to get is Linkin Park but you know what I mean), is sure to rid me of my pent up aggression.

I will update later to let you all know how must first foray to the gym in a week goes. Oh and so far I have only had mineral water, diet coke (2 cans), ginger and kelp pills. So I am pleased. My resolve is amazingly steadfast and intact. Perhaps the bad mood has cemented this. My plan is to only have some frozen raspberries (96 cals tops) and if absolutely necessary a frozen smoothie (97 cals) this evening. So we will see!

Right must dash, gyming to be done.

Much love,

Ella xx

Weekends and weakness...

"I got a weakness in me, I think that weakness feeds me". 

I have been tyring to write this entry for three days.  Each and every time I try, I ultimately end up deleting everything.  With one exception, the above quote from a song by Matchbox Twenty.  In some ways, the quote itself was the hurdle in allowing my thoughts to create written words.  I could not delete it however, as it so succinctly states my feelings for the past few days, weeks.

I am in this uncomfortable limbo.  I crave and need time alone, away from the maddening crowd.  I am the kind of person who loves to be alone.  To be constantly surrounded by people would feel like drowning, but rather than being pulled under by an invisible current, I would be pushed under by perceptions of non existent scrutiny.  Being alone gifts me the opportunity to do one of my most addictive past times.  Loathing myself.  Whatever aspect or trait, physical or otherwise, I decide to focus my energies on, I feel it must be done alone, to avoid any attention.  Where is this uncomfortable limbo I mentioned?  I am lucky that I can easily have my alone time.  As soon as I am on my own however, my weakness rears its hideous head.  I almost forget about it during the week, when I am swarmed with people.  My weakness hides in the darkest corners of me, biding it's time.  Simply waiting.  Once I am alone, its schemes are set in motion.  My weakness literally feeds me.  More than that, it feeds my addictions, new and old, temporary and permanent.  

I suppose I have always felt an unwilling yet inevitable slave to my weakness.  An invisible entity on which to project all my failings, to blame for my shortfalls.  It is not true though.  I am to blame.  My weakness is me.  Just a side of me I do not want to acknowledge, because I do not know how to control it.  And for someone who craves control, that is unacceptable.

So I sit here alone, with only my weakness and my shaky resolve for company.  Making decisions.  Deciding to confront my weakness, take it out of it's comfort zone.  Remove myself from where it is confident.  

As much as I adore my time alone, as the hours of the weekend drain through my fingers, and I inch steadily toward Monday morning, my resolve and desire gains in strength, forcing my weakness aside.  As the crowd draws nearer, so to is my weakness expelled farther.  

I feel there has been a certain element of realisation this weekend.  I intend to act upon it.  To use it to gain control.

I really hope everyone has had an enjoyable weekend, and that no one is contracting the Mondayblues.

Must go read and comment.

Much love girlies,

Ella xx

Morning is dawning...

Morning girlies, I hope everyone is fabulous. I have just spent some quality 'quiet time' in the office catching up on everyones entries and commenting where i have anything interesting (or not so interesting as the case may be) to say.

First things first, as that is how it should be. Thank you to every one who took the time to read my last few entries, and especially to those who commented. Your words were so kind and supportive, and they really buoyed me during the past week. You all mean the world to me, and I wanted you to know that.

Obviously I have been low for the past week or so, and every morning I would struggle to get up. not because I was tried or desperate for more sleep. Because I just failed to see the whole 'point'. I did not want to see anyone, or be seen. I did not want to inflict myself on the small portion of the world I would come into contact with that day. I just wanted to the day to be over. I know that makes no sense. my willing of the days to fly past was irrational as I had no end in sight. Even if time did bend to my will and speed by, all that was waiting for me at the end of the night was another day. Everything would be the same. Just slightly less.

I woke up today and I felt, okay. The day did not seem hopeless. It was a good feeling. As the day has gone on, I feel I have embraced this feeling and am looking forward to re gaining my control over life, as everything has spiralled away from me a little. But the resolve is strengthening.

I feel much better just writing this all down, and knowing that you girls may actually understand and empathise. I read what Harlow wrote about suddenly hearing Ana's voice again, and I do. I feel like shedding the weight and the associated baggage is the driving force behind my actions again, rather than the desire to get through the day and close it as quickly as possible. So I will plan. Fail to plan, plan to fail. So cliche but undeniable.

I have a busy day ahead, but I will take sometime to create an adequate plan of attack to kick start the control.

I am hopeful.

Much love,

Ella xx

Stress and sleep...

Morning girlies. I just wanted to reiterate that, even I have not posted for a couple of days, I still religiously read all your entries, and comment whenever possible.

This week has exploded into being insanely busy. I do feel as though I am free falling through it all.

The residue of this weekend is still weighing on me. Perhaps the business and stress has prevented me dealing with it. I don't know. But I am not dealing. At least not in a way that society would allow me. I have continued cutting myself this week. I know I said I would stop. It just has not happened. I think I justify the situation, to myself, in the following ways: I am not hurting anyone (else), I am not doing it for attention (I am really, really not), I almost never cut myself deeply (without trying to sound morbid, I do not cut myself to feel pain. I cut myself for release, and the 'feeling' is part of it of course, but seeing the blood come to the surface and the area go pink enables that feeling of release. Does that make sense to anyone?), I heal reasonably quickly (so the obvious evidence has disappeared usually within a week, and the only remnants are pale lines that are not overtly noticeable). To me, that seems reasonable. I suppose I am hardly impartial in the matter.

Last night was, i suppose interesting would be an appropriate word. To shine some light on how starkly contrasting the two halves of my evening were, the first half was spent at a stand up comedy gig at my bar with L, the second was spent at home doing something I hate, loathe, detest, abhor. I cried. Worst of all, I cried 'about' me. I acknowledge that I cry, I do. I cry about ridiculous things. I cry at movies all the time. I cry at tv. I cry at the news. I cry over books. I cry over old people. I cry at things that are nothing to do with my life. some people find it strange, but I just hate to cry over 'me' or my life. Firstly I feel I have absolutely no right whatsoever. More importantly, I feel too vunerable. In a way I like to be emotionally detached. A therapist once postured that the reason my reactions to books and movies and what not are so strong (if something is even remotely sad I will cry. If something is even remotely amusing I will laugh out loud. If something is even remotely unjust I become furious) is that I use it as my emotional outlet, rather than my own life. I do not know. I digress. So I cried. I cried because I felt I was not coping. more importantly, I felt like I was failing. At nothing overly specific, more in general sense.

It was at that moment, when I was sitting alone in the dark, listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, crying, that the Boy decided to walk in. He has seen me cry before. The vast, vast majority of times it has been the above crying. It is not real, it is affected and if you know me you can tell. I must have looked rather feeble, and his face fell. Of course he asked what was wrong, and i said I did not know. He tried to accept that maybe I didn't, but I could tell he was unsure. So he carried me to the bedroom and just lay there with me. He asked if I could try to explain, even if I was not sure. So I made the summary point that I did not feel as though I was coping. He queried with what. I replied me. He did not push, which I appreciated. So we just lay there, until he broke the silence by saying he noticed something a few days ago, and stroked my left inner forearm. I could feel his finger find the ridges.

So I am not as subtle as I presumed. I am not sure if that is due to my thinking I was too good at hiding it, or a lack of belief he would notice or a combination of the two. He was not angry. I think he tends to see things and rather than dive in and demand actions from me, he quietly watches to make sure i am okay. Okay enough.

So that was my night.

I hope everyone else's was nicer. I must dash, I am at work as always, and one of the managing directors is arriving soon. I think I like him, although more often than not I want to throttle him!

Much love,

Ella xx

Organisng chaos...

Hi girlies, my day has passed both quickly and slowly. It is strange really. I suppose I still in the haze left from this weekend. I flit between feeling like i am moving in slow motion, while the world around me continues at regular speed, and feeling almost the opposite, as though I am moving as intended and the world is dragging behind me.

So I find myself at the end of what is an uncharacteristically short working day of only (nearly) ten hours. I have spent a fair amount of time thinking today. not to say I am generally thoughtless, but my thoughts tend to be somewhat free wheeling. I follow rather than direct, and I tend to prefer it that way. Today has been a little different, my mind has needed nudging and focusing.

I have decided not to go to the gym tonight. I understand that seems like the most illogical choice I could possibly make, especially for an ana who desperately wants to gain control after a weekend of emotional turmoil. There is reasoning behind my apparent madness. I feel I need to organise my chaos before I try to control it. I feel as though I have been stretched so thin over the past week or so. As though everything has been sneaking up on me and collaborating with the purpose of pulling the floor out from beneath me. I think it won this weekend. Subsequently everything is quite literally all over the place. When I crash like I did, it is impossible for me to maintain order. And I like, and quite possibly need, order. My apartment is a bit of a mess. It needs to be cleaned. I find I cannot function in a messy home. My mind is a bit of a mess and I think I need to command some order up there. I am a mess. My hair needs to be washed immediately. My nails are chipped. i know this sounds incredibly shallow and superficial. I suppose it is. But it is just a symptom of someone who is a perfectionist in many ways.

I have made up my mind to spend this evening organising my chaos. Everything from my hair and nails, to my apartment, laundry and refrigerator. I will still work on my new thinspiration book this evening.

I know that all the above may seem as though it should be secondary to going to the gym to burn off calories. But right now I feel out of control. Not in a wild way, but in a sinking way. As though I have chosen the direction I want to run in, but I am running away from an avalanche. So in reality the choice was made for me. It is dramatic I know. I just need some sense right now.

Consumption has not been wonderful today. The chef kept giving me food and I cannot remember choosing to eat it, but some how I did. It is just indicative of today. Tomorrow will be clearer.

I will post later, and will hopefully be in a clean apartment and feeling more like myself. I hope everyone is wonderful today. Love you all.

Much love,

Ella xx

Everything seems so heavy...

Hey girlies, I just wanted to say thank you. I know you do not know what for. This weekend was really, tough. I have been very low. Unnervingly so. I know I have not really posted this weekend, but I have been reading, and that helped me immensely. I really do believe reading your guys' entries somehow prevented the ground from swallowing me whole.

The weekend started as they all seem to. I tend not to work Friday evenings, but the Boy does. This generally leads to my being alone in the apartment all night. Which is terrible. By Friday my resolve is paper thin (unlike me), and I am a nauseating mix of huge amounts of anxiety over the weekend ahead, and uncontrollable relief at the end of the week. This conflict almost invariably culminates in some kind of failure, almost always centered around food. Boredom, anxiety, being alone, relief, and lack of resolve seem to equate to food. (I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that I know I talk about being alone at home a fair deal. This is not something I am 'upset' about. In fact I simply love it. Having the whole apartment to myself is wonderful. Ever since I was a child I was someone who needed and thrived on their 'alone' time).

I tried to start this weekend in a brighter frame of mind. I went to the gym Friday early evening for about an hour and a half. It felt good, really good. It seems so obvious, but being proactive can do wonders for your emotions. Even when I ended up eating gnocchi (see below post), I understood it was, to all extent and purposes, necessary. I dealt with that rather well for me. No freak out. No panic. I could almost say I was 'sensible'. That was the last thing I coped with at all this weekend.

The worst part of it all is that I do not know what set the ball rolling. I cannot, even now, identify a trigger. This exasperates the whole situation. It is a catch-22 with the anxiety. I become incredibly anxious, but do not know why as there seems to be no apparent reason, which in turn heightens the anxiety.

To the world outside my head, I am sure my weekend and the activities seemed utterly 'normal', to the point of boring. I ran errands with L on Saturday afternoon and was dragged by her to our favourite Japanese noodle bar for an early dinner. We enjoyed one cocktail at out favourite bar. She then went to work at a bar so fills in for, and I went home. L is incredibly social and loves to go out, all the time. No matter the time. She is also very persuasive, and is the only person who seems to be able to make me do things I do not really want to. Like agree to meet her, my Boy (who finished at his bar at the same time), and 5 more friends at midnight to attend some special evening at the above mentioned cocktail bar. I have mentioned before I am not overly social. I find it all somewhat of a chore. I did not want to go. But everyone seemed to be so 'excited' that I was actually going to go out. As with most of you, letting people down is just another failure I ardently try to avoid. So I guess I was reeled in.

Maybe that is when is started to spiral. When I was at home I read my new Harpers and stared at all the beautifully thin and stunningly beautiful models and the panic started to rise and the feelings of total and utter inadequacy started to seep in. I decided to have a glass of champagne. I am not sure why. I really do not drink a large amount of alcohol. A control thing, and I could not stand to be drunk in front of people. I would be mortified. It seemed to help to begin with. Or so I thought. An hour later I was in what I call a 'panic cocoon'. Externally I am devoid of visible emotion. I suppose I must almost look completely bored by everything around me. I attribute that to the fact I have no energy to paste on the faux trappings of emotion as everything I have is trying to control what is going on inside. Inside I feel this hole. It is not a hole representing emptiness as after many years I can handle that and still appear functional on the outside. This is more like a black hole. A gaping chasm that is 'sucking' everything I have left into it. All my energy, my emotions, my thoughts. All that is left is this panic and anxiety and I try to seal it. But how do you close a black hole? That is not rhetorical.

I was fading out, but after an hour or so everything came flooding back into myself. I felt like I was going to explode. every emotion was coursing through me. The relief at sealing the void, the fear that it would not hold, the panic, the anxiety, the rage. I thought I might explode. So I cut myself again. I know it is foolish, and I know the surge of calm that washes over me is only fleeting. But sometimes it is so necessary, just so I can gather myself. No one sees the cuts. I do not want them to. But there is that small part of me that wonders why they do not see? Is it because I hide them so well? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I am careless. Is it because they do not care? I suppose I know that is not true. Is it because they just do not think I would be a person who does that? I think that is the true reason. But I cannot be certain.

So I centered myself. I calmed down, visibly. I went out. The evening was pleasant. I suppose for anyone else it would have even been fun. I wonder sometimes why I find it so hard to relax and enjoy myself. Most of the group (other than myself, L and the Boy) had been out for quite sometime so were rather sloshed, which provides a certain amount of entertainment before sensible Ella starts to look after them, ordering (non)alcoholic cocktails for them.

Sunday was blurry. I really did not drink much alcohol, and was up at half 8 in the morning after about 4 and a half hours sleep. I generally spent my day wandering aimlessly around stores. not looking for anything. Just looking around. I just compared myself to everything. Sometimes favourably, sometimes detrimentally. Strangely I was almost disappointed when I came out on top in a comparison. Maybe I just am not comfortable with not hating myself. I really am not sure.

My food intake was erratic this weekend. I do not think I have the energy to go into it, nor do am I sure of the accuracy of what I remember. It can be a little vague when I am low.

I am tired this morning. I am physically tired as I only had about 2 hours sleep again last night. I am mentally exhausted. I am, however, exceptionally restless.

I may go to the gym this evening. I should. Whilst I do not really want to go into the food over the weekend, it was not wonderful and work must be done. I think I may plan to go every night, other than Thursday as I am having to work from 7 am until midnight.

After the gym I am going to sit down and plan my week. Minutely. If I plan, I will deviate less and be less likely to be convinced by someone else's plans. I suppose it will also serve as a distraction this evening. I will also start my new thinspiration book. I hope I actually do these things tonight. I am just all over the place right now.

I am sorry about this post. I am in a conflicted mindset. I know that the only people who can and might understand me are you girls. You really do mean the world to me. Although, I am so conditioned to not expecting to be understood or allowed to behave the way I naturally do that I suppose I am almost waiting for you all to suddenly ostracise me. please understand that is in no way a judgement on you all. More one of me.

I am going to stop rambling now. I doubt you will have read this far and I do not blame you in the slightest.

I should try and sign off on a less depressing note. Are people watching cycle 12 of America's Next Top Model? I caught the premier on youtube. Does anyone else find that the American series pales next to the Australian series?

Love you all,

Ella xx

Confessions...

I have thought about just not mentioning this, but after re-reading all those amazing comments I received for my last post, I realised that I would be cheating not only myself but all of you.

So after the gym I came home and pretty much collapsed onto the sofa.  I spent the evening in this weird shaky state.  I just could not stop my knees wobbling and getting head rushes whenever I got up.  I know it was not that I did not eat enough, as I have eaten far less than that before.  This is not my way of trying to make excuses by the by, I am just giving you the background leading to it.  I am sure you have all guessed by now that I am talking about eating last night when I said to myself and all you guys via my blog, that I would not.  I know this is a bit 'rambly', sorry.  My bingelet was not horrific and i will not pretend that I am freaking out, because strangely enough I am not.  Is that weird?  I ended up having 2 small bowls of organic gnocchi and red pesto.  I worked it out and it was around the 800 cals mark.  Which for only two small bowls seems a load.

I think the reason I am not freaked out is that I took it all into consideration.  I had had about 6 hours of sleep in 72 hours, I spend most my working days (which are usually 10 - 13 hours) on my feet, i walk everywhere, I have been to the gym alot (for me) and worked really hard (for me) and usually on almost no food, and I was craving carbs.  So yea, I felt I need to be completely honest.  I immediately felt better, and I ate very slowly so as not to full out binge, but sometimes it is just necessary.

So yea.  I feel better getting that off my chest.  

I need to split as I promised I would meet with L to run some errands, I will absolutely post later and comment on all bogs of course.

Sorry again for letting you (and myself down), but I am actually managing the emotions well for me, so that is a positive for once!

Much love girlies,

Ella xx

Out of Breath...

Evening girlies, how is everyone's Friday night?  As rock'n'roll as mine?  I am not sure it is possible...

I finished work at 5, walked 15 minutes home changed and grabbed my gym bag, and walked all the way back to use the gym.  As I said earlier, I should not moan as every little bit of exercise helps burns the cals, but it was a little irritating.  Oh well.  The gym was reasonable:

30 minutes on the bike - burned 215 cals

45 minutes on the elliptical - burned circa 520 cals

So total at the gym - burned 745 cals.

Add the hours walking today and I am pretty pleased.  I know the cals burned on the elliptical seem pretty low.  As I have mentioned I have a very low boredom threshold, especially at the gym.  Sometimes I find it frustrating that I feel like I am running but not actually moving forward, but I am veering of point.  Does anyone ever find that their body just refuses to cooperate?  I was on the trainer and to keep my interest levels and to split the time into more easily handled segments I do 5 minutes forward, 5 minutes backward.  Whilst going forward I was able to power on, but for some inexplicable reason my legs (specifically my quads) were really unwilling to go particularly fast backwards.  It was annoying.

Consumption today has been okay:

Breakfast was a box of pomegranate seeds - 55 cals

for lunch I had 2 very thick slices of wholemeal bread - to be safe I will say 250 cals

and of course diet coke and mineral water.

Tonight I am going to try and stick to the following:

diet coke and mineral water

lettuce with balsamic vinegar/olive oil dressing that I will make

cucumber with philly extra light

if I am desperate maybe some organic tomato soup.

I will let you know how it goes, i am in the danger zone - home alone all night!

Oh and Dee - the Philadelphia Extra Light mini tubs are amazing!  They come in packs of four.  Each tub is 35g and has 38 cals.  I either eat them with a cucumber or just on their own.

Okie dokie ladies, now I have relaxed i need a shower!

Much love,

Ella xx

Lie in...

Hi girlies, how is everyone doing? I hope splendidly!

I am going to dive right into the nitty gritty of it all. Consumption yesterday was as follows:

2 boxes of pomegranate seeds (delicious and a 'super food') - 110 cals
1 box of frozen raspberries - 96 cals
2 mini tubs of Philadelphia Extra Light - 76 cals
1 organic cucumber - 30 cals
Diet coke and sugar free gum - 10 cals

Total for Thursday - 322 cals.

I must own up and admit that there was no trip to the gym last night, but I did get up super early (after about 2 hours sleep) and spend most of the day on my feet and I did about an hours worth of walking around (to and from home and places) with a heavy bag. So at least i was not totally sedentary all day! Hopefully I burned some off.

Today has thus far been eerily similar to yesterday. Up super early after yet another 2 hours sleep (does anyone else find that when they know they have to get up crazy early, and that they absolutely cannot oversleep, that they cannot get to sleep at all? Or is that just me?). Walked to work, spent most of the day (up until now) on my feet, but not alot of walking yet. Oh and I just having breakfast (yes I know I have been up for 8 hours but it is my first food so it must be breakfast) now - another box of pomegranate seeds - 55 cals. I also brought an organic cucumber and 2 mini tubs of the Philly Extra Light as it is Friday and the chef is always trying to thrust tonnes of food in my direction, and after a while it can become very tempting. So I have my trusted snack which (if I ate the whole thing) would be 106 cals.

I am planning to head to the gym tonight, but did not have time to pack the gym bag before power walking to work (remember how I said I could absolutely not oversleep? Well i absolutely did by a half hour). So i need to go home after work (I am not complaining the round trip will add another 30 minutes of walking to my days activities) and pick up all my things and head back. I will update my gym bunny-ness later this evening.

I am super excited that I actually get to lie in tomorrow, and not get up at 6 am! I am not an early morning person by choice.

Oh and I just remembered, after the gym I need to walk the 25 minutes to the grocery store, but will probably have to get a cab home. Oh well, every little helps does it not.

So I do not know if anyone feels the way I do, but I find clothes are hugely thinspirational. I am slightly obsessed with fashion industry. In my eyes it is more that clothes, it is fabric art. Combine that with luxurious implications and gorgeously skinny models, what is not to love? So I throw my hands up and admit I am a bit of a fashion addict and over indulge in my fair share of shopping. I just look at all the beautiful garments and imagine how they will look when they hang the exact way I want them to on my frame. So that is what I spent a lot of my time doing last night, with a huge pile of magazines.

Okie dokie ladies, i have probably bored you enough for now and will catch up with you and all your blogs later.

Much love,

Ella xx

Feeling okay...

Morning girlies, how is everyone doing? I hope you are all well. I have just trawled through as many entries as I could manage at this early hour, and commented where I could!

So I am pretty pleased with yesterday. I went to the gym after work, and I am pleased as I was pretty shattered from the long day/lack of sleep combination and could have easily strolled on by and spent the evening sprawled on the sofa as I used to. But instead I made up my mind and went to the gym where I did 20 minutes on the bike (-150 cals) and 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer (-520 cals). You have no idea what an achievement that is for me as I usually get bored after about 5 minutes. Not that this time was any different (exacerbated by the fact that i left my ipod and headphones at home!) this time, but I forced myself to stay on. So I am quite pleased. Yesterday I only consumed diet coke and mineral water, (10 cals), one slice thick wholemeal bread (I shall say 120 cals t be safe) and a box of frozen raspberries after the gym (96 cals). So a total of 226 cals for the day, factor in the gym, and the hour or so worth of walking I am pleased. Lets hope I can keep it up today, although I am not going to the gym but I will be on my feet the majority of the day.

I found out late last night that the other manager had an operation on her eye last night and needs at least a week of. This means I have to open all the days here (not Saturday and Sunday thank goodness) which means getting up at 6 am to be here just after 7 am. I am so not a morning person. In fact I almost nocturnal, so this is going to be a huge shock for my body clock. I wonder how it will cope. Oh well!

Does anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend? Mine consist of work all day tomorrow and then the gym straight after and the evening at home. Saturday will be spent running errands, and I will try and squeeze a gym trip in. I am not sure if i am going to be rendez-vous-ing with L that evening so we shall see. It may be a good idea as I am more easily able to control my consumption when I am not alone in the house all evening (the Boy is working). Sunday will be gym and general preparation for a week of super early mornings! Am i exciting of what!?

Oh and I just wanted to say I think everyone should get a blackberry! When i was at the gym and was getting bored I just zoned out and caught up on your blogs. it is such strong motivation, you would not believe!

Okie dokie, well i will update later and let you know if I can continue behaving myself!

Much love,

ella xx

Early morning calls...

Hi girlies, how is everyone doing? Better than me I hope. Do not fear, this post will be no where near as negative as the last. Thank goodness! I only have a tiny moan...

So I was working the late shift last night (the other manager only does days as she is alot older), and did not get home until close to 2 am. That is not a problem at all, I tend to sway more toward the nocturnal side of life. When I close the venue I have to actually use my brain a little, by cashing up, floating the safe, banking, doing the end of day budgets, all the usual bits and pieces. This means my mind is alert when I get home and I tend not to be able to go to sleep for a few hours after, I only got to sleep at about 5 am this morning. I was supposed to be in at midday, so just under 6 hours sleep is not so bad. It seems the other manager had different ideas. We had a licensing inspection from the local authorities this morning (we only found out an hour before they came), and rather than just handling it herself, she had a tizzie and decided she could not possibly cope unless I was there. so I got a half past 8 phone call to come in early. So out of bed I dragged myself to get here for just gone 9 am. I am a teensy bit lethargic at the moment.

On the plus side, I did make time to quickly pack my gym bag for a session after work (I am now finishing at about 7 pm instead 0f 8 pm lucky me). So i am off to do some cardio this evening on the way home, as i said yesterday. I still cannot believe I am actually quite looking forward to it! Although after yesterday's session, muscles I have not used in years are not very pleased with me! Oh well, no pain no gain.

So yesterday's calorie intake was pretty pleasing. have a box of frozen raspberries (I still lover them) - 96 cals, a frozen portion of smoothie - 96 cals, and some organic tomato soup - 250 cals. Obviously diet coke and mineral water, they go without saying. So the total intake was 442 cals. Then I was in the gym for about an hour, and walked about an hour too. So hopefully I burned off some. I also did my gym having eaten nothing, well other than my ginger and kelp pills. SO hopefully that made my body work that little bit harder.

Today I have had one slice of wholemeal bread (it was thick sliced so I will say about 120 cals to be safe) so I have a little energy for the elliptical trainer tonight!

Okay, I must dash, everything is going haywire at work! I hope everyone is doing well!

Much love,

Ella xx

Finally...

Hey girlies, I am so sorry for my inexcusable and prolonged absence. It has been a horrific mixture of being too busy for words at work, being ill and having internet issues to put it politely. But back I am, and I hope no one has ditched me, I really am more reliable than I have been making out over the past 5 days.

I will share with you the speed version of my reasons for absence:
16 hour work days, being attacked by a drunk irish student nurse called Orla, having to come into work on one of my only nights off after working 14 hours because some hoodlums broke in and stole stuff and then threatened to slit my throat, horrifically awful cramps and subsequent vomitting, questionable internet access which lead to me only being able to use my blackberry which allows me to view blogger land but not contribute.
But i am back with some kind of vengence, nto sure hwo much. I have been keeping up to date with all your entries into the blog arena, but have not been able to comment and i will rectify this situation as soon as possible!

As for me and my life, the last 5 days have been challenging, mostly due to the above reasons, I won't bore you with all the details aother than to clarify my throat has nto been slit and the police soared to my rescue, and the drunken orla did land her punch to my chest but it was reasonably feeble and she broke two of her plastic press on nails in the process.

Food wise has been a little up and down. A few of the days were pretty good, only fruit and what not. A couple of the days were, I regret to say it, binge days. I put it down to 'that time of the month'. I do not cope very well with them at all. A terrible cycle of being sick and subsequent binging (I know, that is the wrong way round in our world), and sometimes even passing out. But I do not want to start moaning or this post could degenerate into a moan-fest and that is not the way to try and earn forgiveness for being gone for so long.

On the plus side, I have been to the gym 3 times (which is a miracle). And today I had my first session with my new personal trainer. I explained I needed someone who would be forceful and not let me stop just because i am bored, and boy did they deliver. his name is Tony and he is an ex-marine. He got me doing a whole load of core training, and in our next session (Thursday morning) we are working on some cardio stuff. He is crazy! But I guess that is what I wanted, so hopefully he will really help boost weight loss, as up until now I have not done any form of exercise other than walking and being busy at work for a few years! I am also going to the gym tomorrow night after work. In a strange way I am really looking forward to my gym trips now. I always read how you guys looked forward to it, and I could not understand. But suddenly I am feeling the same. I guess it must be the endorphins.

In other news, I had the most awful day at work yesterday. Well actually, that is not true. The day in general was fine, it was just the end of the day. The Kitchen supervisor here is beyond words. I cannot adequately express how little I like her. She is unbelievable. Basically to sum it up and again trying to prevent a rant, she was in trouble (as usual) with the catering manager and rather than just hold her hands up and admit to what she had done, she tried to blame everyone else, and when that did not work she tried to divert attention from her failings by making up lies about me, effectively accusing me of giving away stock. Which is not true at all. No one believed her and in the end she was in more trouble for it, but I was so furious. That lead to my agreeing to going out for a drink (first alcohol in over a week) with L. Which was nice in some ways, but unnecessary calories!

I have been pretty down this weekend. Not because of 'that time', I tend not to get emotional or anything like that. I think it was just a depressive self loathing session. I was alone most of the weekend which gave me ample time to evaluate myself and remind myself of all my faults and how inadequate I am. I just really hate me sometimes. I am constantly amazed that the Boy is with me, that I have friends (not many but I am not very social so do not need many), that you guys bother with me (which means the world to me, and I am so sorry for being absent). I feel I have to believe that when the weight goes everything will suddenly be bright and rosy and perfect. But what if it is not? What if the weight is just a symptom, and I have to confront the fact that I am the problem. Do you know what I mean? I guess I should not lie, even by omission. I used to cut myself. Never very deep, and not with any intention of serious harm. It was a strange combination of stress relief and self punishment. I almost felt like I was a bottle of soda and when I was shaken the pressure inside was too much and if I did not create an opening I would explode. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone but I know what I mean. Sometimes I would just punish myself for something stupid, or because I felt I deserved it. Well, I did it again for the first time last night. It was not deep and no one noticed, as I always carry band aids with me. I felt better for a while, but it never lasts too long. But I have decided I do not want to fall back into that again, so I am really going to try to stay strong. The Boy knows I used to do it, and it upsets him, and i do not want something I do to upset him, so I must try to not slip up again.

Okay I feel like I might have been very depressing so I will leave it there.

As I said I am so sorry it has been so long since my last entry, and I do feel like I have let you all down. So I hope you can all forgive me. I hope everyone on SBC is coping and doing well, at least better than me.

I love you all, I really do.

Much love,

Ella xx