Sunday, 12 April 2009


I feel I owe some rationale as to my disappearance.  Some account of my apparent desertion.  But I am admittedly too fragile to deal with the entirety.  So my old faithful, my tried and tested saviour comes to light:  Compartmentalisation.  If I segregate each area of contention I might be able to cope.

So what first?  I suppose this post will be two pronged.  A quick overview of the cause of my aforementioned crash, succeeded by a dissection of a symptom.  

I have managed bars for several years,  and without wanting to sound arrogant or self  ingratiating, I am good at what I do.  Or was.  It transpires that a member of my staff has been stealing money by falsifying refunds through the tills and taking the surplus cash.  They have been using my manager ID, and I have subsequently had the blame thrown squarely at my feet by the senior manager.  TC, the senior manager, is an unscrupulous and untrustworthy individual.  Constantly obsessed with cutting costs in any way he can.  It seems that eliminating my salary is one of those ways.  So I am being targeted.  I do not try to cound like a helpless victim, but those statements are nothing but truthful, I promise.  To avoid court we are settling, which is not what I want to do, but British employment law serves the employer and not the employee, so I am stuck between a rock and the proverbial hard place.  At least I retain my dignity by resigning.  

I am not devastated.  I cannot admit to having a strong love for my job.  To have it taken from me however, is troubling. 

That is all I really wish to say about that.  Background has been provided.  

I promise I am innocent.  Please believe me.

My self harm has flared alarmingly.  For the past fortnight, I have sliced my arm almost every day.  More so under the stifling influence of vino.  I have mentioned self harm before.  I am not imaginative, I cut my inner forearms.  I do not do it to feel pain.  I do not do it for attention.  I do it for the release it provides.  Sometimes in the chaos of my mind I feel like a soda can, so shaken and ready to explode that unless a opening is created, I may self destruct.  I do it to see the physical incarnation of inexplicable torment sometimes.  Sometimes it is as simple as I just want to harm my body, and punish my mind.  

I came to a realisation Friday evening.  I have almost always been in control.  I have chosen to self harm.  However, I must be honest and admit that recently it has been compulsion and not control that guides my hand.  So I have promised myself I will try to stop.  Try to funnel my destructive energy elsewhere.  Stop trying to etch my sadness into my flesh.  I do not need the scars to remind me.  

Yet.  Sometimes.  It feels so good.  

Damn me.

I love you all.  I am so sorry I was invisible.

Much love, as always,

Ella xx


  1. Oh my goodness. I am so sorry that you have been blamed for something you did not do. That is utterly terrible. I know from our correspondence that you are not only a trustworthy person, but a DIGNIFIED person who wouldn't dare do such a thing. Your boss is obviously dense if she can't see that.

    And I'm sorry you've been self-harming-- its only indicative of the hard time you've been having. Shoot me an email if you want to talk again.

    I'm glad you're back on Blogger. I missed you (and was worried!).

    Loving you.

  2. I am still a little bit angry at the situation in which you were used as a scapegoat (I'm so emotional!), but more so I am concerned about your well being.

    If you feel isolated or just want to talk... I'm here for you ( We definitely do not need to talk about your work stuff, or anything at all, I seem to be quite good at talking about nothing.

    Sending you all my love!!!

  3. I'm glad your back too =)

    And I hope that you suceed in stopping with the self harm ~ your completely right - you dont need the scars. Good luck, and remember we're here to listen if your struggling. x

  4. There's a really good article I read on self harm (I think it's called "the silent scream"?)

    Mostly talks about how it is a form of communication and expression, much like an ED, when we struggle to be able to verbally describe our distress.

    Hope you find the words xx

  5. Ella,

    I am so glad you are back with us. I hope that we can help you in some way and provide some form of support to you. You seem like such a caring, sincere, lovely person, I don't think anyone would doubt your innocence.

    I wish you strength in trying to control your self harm. I know how difficult it can be. It's been years since I cut, but my scars are still constant reminders.

    Stay strong, sweetie.
    <3 Eva

  6. I am soo sooo sooo sorry dear. You seem like nothing but an honest, genuine, and trust worthy person. You will get through this though, because you are also an incredibly STRONG individual. Much love.