Home...

Hi girls,

I could not cope without you all, so I have come home. Forgive me? I have missed you all so much...

Ella xx

Typical...

Morning girlies, it is so utterly typical that the very day I make the resolution to update my blog at least twice a day to aid my focus my Internet crashes, and remains crashed until this morning!  It was not all doom and gloom, I was able to keep up to date with everyone elses entries via my blackberry, but I am still unable to post from it.  I really must figure that out and soon.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  Mine was a bit of a wash.  I had a friend's birthday party to attend on Saturday night, which was, as expected, a whole mish mash or drink and drama.  I tend not to go out in large groups.  In fact rarely to I go out with more than 3 others, we will often see people we know out, but to spend your whole evening with a large group of very drunk people (you probably do not remember, as it has been a while since I mentioned it, but I do not drink to excess, i just do not see the point of getting 'drunk') is challenging.  So of course several arguments ensued, some escalated into screaming girls, one nearly escalated to a physical fright between two guys, and my best friend L was completely smashed.  What joy.  SO I went home at about midnight.  I just did not want to have to cope with all the drama, and as they were not my friends, but friends of a friend, I was not required to talk my usual stance of 'peacemaker'.  So I deposited L with another one of her close friends and headed home to throw on my jammies.  Perfect.

So L is my best friend in the world.  I spend most of my free time with her (well when I am not with the Boy), and that is tough on the whole ana concept.  She is always eating, apart from when she is drinking.  Which is every night, or almost every night.  She is short (well compared to me, I am 5 foot 11, she is 5 foot 4) and has a Scarlett Johanssen kind of figure.  Really curvy, but not fat.  Not my preferred body type, but that is not my point.  I find it hard to restrict around her as she is definitely the dominant personality in our relationship and she does not like to eat or drink alone and rather good at coercing me to join her.  And as I have spent inordinate amounts of time with her over the last 4 weeks, i have been nibbles and vino central.  However, that is now under control as I told her I was going tee total for a couple of weeks and trying to stop late snacking.  So I think at least for a little while she will stop forcing food at me.  Fingers crossed.

Oh my god, this entire entry is so boring and pointless!  I am sure no one has read to this point.  Unless you have nothing to do at all!  So I will sign off.  I think the part of the problem is I have just woken up and am still a little squiffy  I am only managing to accommodate basic thoughts!

My update later will be much more amazing, I promise!

Much love,

ella xx

Excuses...

Hey girlies.  I know I have not been around so much lately.  Well that is not entirely true.  I have not been visible much lately, but I have still been reading all your blogs every day.  I think the problem is, or at least my excuse is, that I hate to write an entry when I am 'failing'.  When I am doing terribly.  And that is exactly how I have been doing lately.

I have had no structure in my life for the past four weeks or so.  I suddenly found myself with day after day of nothing but free time.  It was all so overwhelming.  I am sure everyone is thinking I could have achieved so much, and I think I should have too.  But the sudden descent into a huge expanse of free time from a busy life full of structure and stress has just been too much.  I spiralled for quite a long time.  Which lead to me binging, eating my feelings.  It started as e eating my anger and despair towards my previous employers.  After time, feelings numb a little.  They were replaced by boredom.  Insatiable boredom.  Boredom binges ensued.  

Every time I have gained weight it can be attributed to boredom eating.  It is so frustrating.  

So, I think I have firmly established that structure is essential to my life, and must be re instilled.  Following Reese's resolution I am going to post at least twice a day, preferably three times (I apologise in advance if I bore you all senseless).  That should help break my day down into more manageable chunks, as opposed to being faced with an endless expanse of time.  

I need to start going to the gym again, desperately.  Again I know you must all be thinking that with all my free time I should have been living at the gym.  I admit I should have.  Again, when all this started happening I was falling apart and the gym did not even factor in any of my decisions.  And now it is so hard to motivate myself to anything at all, let alone something that involves effort.  Pathetic I know.

So, this shall be post number one for today.  I hope that by the time I post again I will have something that would be worth reading, rather than boring you all again.

I just feel so fat and disgusting.  So dehydrated all the time.  I need this to change or else I do not what I will do.

Much love,

ella xx

Mulling...

Evening girlies, I hope everyone is super.  So I am at home, alone.  I adore my alone time, I can say with no hint of doubt in my mind that if I did not have my time alone I would either implode and self destruct, or go completely crazy.  Neither particularly appeals to me.

So I have spent the vast majority of the day mulling.  Just mulling over everything that is going on in my life right now.  I suppose I have been evaluating my levels of control, both of the event and the fallout.  How much control do I really have, and how much do I really exert in these situations.

The easiest to talk about is my weight.  Of course.  I know what I need to do and what Ana needs form me.  When broken down into it's basic components it is so simple for want of a better word.  I need to not eat.  I need to exercise.  I need to stay focused.  So why I am not doing those three simple things?  In reality we all know it is so much harder than just that.  It is about so much more than just being skinny.  It is about alleviating some of the pressure that weighs on us.  You do not just shed pounds, but you expel weight that is no physical, it is emotional and mental. 

So I am going to relaunch my thinspiration book.  Deploy my tactics from my skinniest years.  i am going to throw myself into this, body and soul.  As it stands right now it is all I have that is set in stone.  My desire, or rather my overwhelming need to lose weight, and to be beautiful and skinny.  To be the best shell I can possibly be.

I am feeling good for the first time in a few weeks now.  Not happy exactly, but dare I say it, hopeful.  

I love you all.

Much love,

ella xx

Throbbing...

Do you ever have the sensation that you mind is throbbing?  Almost pulsating?  Not your brain, but your mind.  The throbbing begins in times of intense and mixed emotions, when it knows it is feeling something incredibly strongly, but cannot decide what.  I am stuck in this perpetual throb.  At this moment, I am caught between rage, depression, fear and self loathing.

I am still furious regarding my work dilemma.  Not just because I have been thrust into this unjust and unfair position, but because I feel so redundant when trying to tackle it.  I feel depression creeping back in like a cool mist, dulling my senses but forcing my hand, making me feign 'coping' to all those around me.  Self loathing is, strangely, the most comforting of all my feelings.  Ana, my old faithful companion is perched high upon my shoulder, magnifying my flaws.

I feel like I am drifting, upon a turbulent and changing sea, and Ana is my anchor.  The one thing keeping me tethered, and preventing me from being pulled out to the eternal expanse of water out there.  I am holding on with both hands, my knuckles are pale.

I suppose I am avoiding the underlying issue.  It would be understandable to assume that it must be my work predicament.  But strangely it is not.  I am, as I said furious.  Control has been ripped from my clutches.  In a way, I have accepted that I am never going back.  I never want to.  I cannot trust that place ever again.  I am not going to miss it.

It all falls back to the same point of origin.  Control.  I want it so badly, with every ounce of the essence.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it is in my grasp, but it never stays.

I am afraid I have spent my life watching it go by, thinking of what I could have been, instead of actually living it and being those things.  At least attempting to be.  I am afraid of failure.  I would rather not try and therefore not fail, than run the risk.  How sad that must seem.  When I was young everything came with a natural ease.  I was a straight A+ student, without ever having to study.  I was intensely sporty, playing in several sports for England, I used to be super skinny and be able to control myself and my weight with almost no thought.  And now?  I am not entirely sure where it all went wrong.  Now I am afraid most of the time.

I know I must make the mental commitment to grab hold and control my own existence, but it is hard.  Ana knows this about me.  She is trying to help me so much, and I do not want to disappoint her.  I want to be perfect again.

I hope all you girls are fairing better than I am right now.  Thank you so much for all your supportive comments, I would say you have no idea how much you all mean to me, but I suppose we all feel that way.  Please do not pity me, I will be okay again at some stage.  I suppose I realise that the time in between is down to me in the most part.

Much love,

Ella xx

Compartmentalising...

I feel I owe some rationale as to my disappearance.  Some account of my apparent desertion.  But I am admittedly too fragile to deal with the entirety.  So my old faithful, my tried and tested saviour comes to light:  Compartmentalisation.  If I segregate each area of contention I might be able to cope.

So what first?  I suppose this post will be two pronged.  A quick overview of the cause of my aforementioned crash, succeeded by a dissection of a symptom.  

I have managed bars for several years,  and without wanting to sound arrogant or self  ingratiating, I am good at what I do.  Or was.  It transpires that a member of my staff has been stealing money by falsifying refunds through the tills and taking the surplus cash.  They have been using my manager ID, and I have subsequently had the blame thrown squarely at my feet by the senior manager.  TC, the senior manager, is an unscrupulous and untrustworthy individual.  Constantly obsessed with cutting costs in any way he can.  It seems that eliminating my salary is one of those ways.  So I am being targeted.  I do not try to cound like a helpless victim, but those statements are nothing but truthful, I promise.  To avoid court we are settling, which is not what I want to do, but British employment law serves the employer and not the employee, so I am stuck between a rock and the proverbial hard place.  At least I retain my dignity by resigning.  

I am not devastated.  I cannot admit to having a strong love for my job.  To have it taken from me however, is troubling. 

That is all I really wish to say about that.  Background has been provided.  

I promise I am innocent.  Please believe me.

My self harm has flared alarmingly.  For the past fortnight, I have sliced my arm almost every day.  More so under the stifling influence of vino.  I have mentioned self harm before.  I am not imaginative, I cut my inner forearms.  I do not do it to feel pain.  I do not do it for attention.  I do it for the release it provides.  Sometimes in the chaos of my mind I feel like a soda can, so shaken and ready to explode that unless a opening is created, I may self destruct.  I do it to see the physical incarnation of inexplicable torment sometimes.  Sometimes it is as simple as I just want to harm my body, and punish my mind.  

I came to a realisation Friday evening.  I have almost always been in control.  I have chosen to self harm.  However, I must be honest and admit that recently it has been compulsion and not control that guides my hand.  So I have promised myself I will try to stop.  Try to funnel my destructive energy elsewhere.  Stop trying to etch my sadness into my flesh.  I do not need the scars to remind me.  

Yet.  Sometimes.  It feels so good.  

Damn me.

I love you all.  I am so sorry I was invisible.

Much love, as always,

Ella xx

Crash...

So...  I have been absent for a fortnight now.  I am sorry.  I crashed.  I was in no way trying to distance myself from all you girls, you mean far too much to me.  I missed you all so much.  But I was in no state to interact with anyone.  The last two weeks have been some of the most depressing in recent years.  

I am no longer managing the bar, as someone was stealing and chose to frame me.  So I have been in and out of a solicitors office for the past fourteen days, and the company have chosen to settle out of court.  In all honesty I do not want to talk about it.  I really need to just draw a line under it and move on.  At least as much as I am able.

I can write nothing to adequately articulate how sorry I am that I vanished for so long.  I did not realise how much I needed you girls.  I have a lot of ground to reclaim.  So it begins now, as I start to trawl back through as many blog entries as I am able.

I missed you all, so much.

Much love,

Ella xx

My vanishing act...

Morning girlies, this is a very quick and incredibly short note to say I am so sorry for my sudden absence. It is a convoluted and somewhat dull story, and the blame is firmly affixed to work, having to travel, and Internet related issues.

However, Ella's great and wonderful vanishing act is complete. This afternoon and evening will be spent catching up on all your wonderful blogs and comment where ever I am able, I promise to try and make it interesting!

I just wanted you all to know I have missed your entries, and you girls, so much this past week and have been thinking about all my friends in bloggerland constantly!

Much love as always,

Ella xx

Yawn...

Morning girlies. So it is nearly three in the morning here and I am still at work. Did I mention I have been here since half one in the afternoon. If I had the energy I would insert some very witty and sarcastic comment about my love of the job. As it happens my energy seems to have turned in for the night a fair while ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. So my total consumption for the day has been (mentioned below) 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), 1 cucumber (40 cals), diet coke (10 cals), 2 litres mineral water. In addition I have wolfed down another cucumber (40 cals) and 5 slices of organic wholemeal bread (I shall guess about 500 cals). I am ashamed, but I have been run off my feet all night long and my body seemed incapable to existing without carbs. Oh and I fully intend to have a helping of frozen smoothie when I get home (97 cals). so that makes my total for the day circa 730 cals. My speedy trip to the gym earlier today burnt off in the region of 390 cals, and i have done much walking and whizzing about the bar today so hopefully that helped. I am not devastated. I am planning for tomorrow to be a lot more like Monday, with very few cals consumed and a nice hefty session at the gym after work (mental note: pack gym bag as soon as I get home).

I really have to run as I have to be back in the darn office in, oh, 6 and a half hours. In that time I have to finish work, walk home, pack my gym bag, get to sleep, get ready and walk back. Thrilled does not quite cover my emotion right now. Sigh.

Much love,

Ella xx

Blood, sweat and no tears...

Evening girlies, and Happy St Patrick's Day to anyone who cares. The only reason I care is that I run a bar, and a fair amount of Irish people who come in, so it is likely to get rather busy later. Other than that I find the whole Paddy's day a little pointless. People seem to just use it as an excuse to go out, get trashed and behave like hooligans. Not my cup of tea I am afraid.

So, I apologise for my lack of update last night. The Boy has become increasingly selfish with laptop time, which I am not really able to have issue over as it is his laptop, and the only reason I have not got mine is that I refuse to pay an extortionate amount to have the lamp behind the screen replaced. So to update last night; I went to the gym after work as planned. It was not a crazy session in any way, I did 35 minutes on the exercise bike (-250 cals), and 45 minutes o n the elliptical (-550 cals) on an empty stomach. Consumption for the day was pleasing, I had 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals ish), a bag of mixed leaf salad with home made balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing (14 cals for the salad and circa 50 cals for the dressing) and a cucumber (40 cals). I drank 3 litres of mineral water, and a fair bit of diet coke (circa 15 cals). So, as I say I am not hating that.

Today I got up an went to the gym, but only had time to do a tiny workout, 20 minutes on the bike (-140 cals) and 20 minutes on the cross trainer (-250 cals). It was one of those days where my body was not really behaving, especially my legs, they feltlike they were made of lead! Oh well, something is better than nothing. Consumption has been 2 litres of mineral water, diet coke (5 cals so far), 1/3 box frozen raspberries (40 cals), a cucumber (40 cals) and 2 slices of wholewheat bread - carb needed - (220 clas to be safe). It is half 6 in the evening so hopefully not much more.

Today has been a better day, and my bad mood has disappeared. Which is pleasant for all concerned. I have to work all night (insert sad face), and be up early but not super early (insert sadder face) to work tomorrow day time. On the plus side that gives me plenty of time to fit in another gym session tomorrow (insert happy face). I apologise for the inserts, but i hate using simleys! i will update later, and hopefully report that have not binged as there are so many snacks everywhere, including a heap of flapjacks which I love. Oh and I just bit a mouth ulcer whilst eating my cucumber, and it is bleeding an dreally hurts!

much love,

Ella xx

Sunshine and Mood Swings...

Hi girlies, how is everyone today? I really hope everyone is doing swell.

I woke up this morning to find pure and unadulterated Sunshine streaming into my room, and the first thing I did was smile. A real, genuine, hopeful smile. It felt good. I seem to get this automatic and unstoppable high from sunshine. Especially when it is warm sunshine. My walk to work this morning was lovely. I was due to start at 10 am, so the journey was warm, bright and quiet.

I arrived at the bar and one minute past ten I was in a bad mood. The other manager came back after ten days off overreacting about some eye issue she has, and proceeded to moan about the most unimportant and quite frankly pointless things she could conjure up. not so much as a hello passed her lips before the barrage of moaning was expelled forth. It is the same every morning. To anyone who has not heard me mention her before, she is the other manager of the bar I run, she is nearly 60 years old and weighs about 20 stone (No I am not being facetious, that is her actual weight). I know the reason it got beneath my skin so quickly and absolutely, she stole my sunshiny high. I wait, or rather merely exist, all throughout winter, waiting for the sun and the warmth, and the first real day of spring the moan marathon began (I am fully aware I am now moaning, but that cannot be helped).

I will not dwell nor bore you with any more information. I am about to finish and head straight to the gym on my way home. I feel a little pumped, and am positive some elliptical abuse and angry music (well the angriest I tend to get is Linkin Park but you know what I mean), is sure to rid me of my pent up aggression.

I will update later to let you all know how must first foray to the gym in a week goes. Oh and so far I have only had mineral water, diet coke (2 cans), ginger and kelp pills. So I am pleased. My resolve is amazingly steadfast and intact. Perhaps the bad mood has cemented this. My plan is to only have some frozen raspberries (96 cals tops) and if absolutely necessary a frozen smoothie (97 cals) this evening. So we will see!

Right must dash, gyming to be done.

Much love,

Ella xx

Weekends and weakness...

"I got a weakness in me, I think that weakness feeds me". 

I have been tyring to write this entry for three days.  Each and every time I try, I ultimately end up deleting everything.  With one exception, the above quote from a song by Matchbox Twenty.  In some ways, the quote itself was the hurdle in allowing my thoughts to create written words.  I could not delete it however, as it so succinctly states my feelings for the past few days, weeks.

I am in this uncomfortable limbo.  I crave and need time alone, away from the maddening crowd.  I am the kind of person who loves to be alone.  To be constantly surrounded by people would feel like drowning, but rather than being pulled under by an invisible current, I would be pushed under by perceptions of non existent scrutiny.  Being alone gifts me the opportunity to do one of my most addictive past times.  Loathing myself.  Whatever aspect or trait, physical or otherwise, I decide to focus my energies on, I feel it must be done alone, to avoid any attention.  Where is this uncomfortable limbo I mentioned?  I am lucky that I can easily have my alone time.  As soon as I am on my own however, my weakness rears its hideous head.  I almost forget about it during the week, when I am swarmed with people.  My weakness hides in the darkest corners of me, biding it's time.  Simply waiting.  Once I am alone, its schemes are set in motion.  My weakness literally feeds me.  More than that, it feeds my addictions, new and old, temporary and permanent.  

I suppose I have always felt an unwilling yet inevitable slave to my weakness.  An invisible entity on which to project all my failings, to blame for my shortfalls.  It is not true though.  I am to blame.  My weakness is me.  Just a side of me I do not want to acknowledge, because I do not know how to control it.  And for someone who craves control, that is unacceptable.

So I sit here alone, with only my weakness and my shaky resolve for company.  Making decisions.  Deciding to confront my weakness, take it out of it's comfort zone.  Remove myself from where it is confident.  

As much as I adore my time alone, as the hours of the weekend drain through my fingers, and I inch steadily toward Monday morning, my resolve and desire gains in strength, forcing my weakness aside.  As the crowd draws nearer, so to is my weakness expelled farther.  

I feel there has been a certain element of realisation this weekend.  I intend to act upon it.  To use it to gain control.

I really hope everyone has had an enjoyable weekend, and that no one is contracting the Mondayblues.

Must go read and comment.

Much love girlies,

Ella xx

Morning is dawning...

Morning girlies, I hope everyone is fabulous. I have just spent some quality 'quiet time' in the office catching up on everyones entries and commenting where i have anything interesting (or not so interesting as the case may be) to say.

First things first, as that is how it should be. Thank you to every one who took the time to read my last few entries, and especially to those who commented. Your words were so kind and supportive, and they really buoyed me during the past week. You all mean the world to me, and I wanted you to know that.

Obviously I have been low for the past week or so, and every morning I would struggle to get up. not because I was tried or desperate for more sleep. Because I just failed to see the whole 'point'. I did not want to see anyone, or be seen. I did not want to inflict myself on the small portion of the world I would come into contact with that day. I just wanted to the day to be over. I know that makes no sense. my willing of the days to fly past was irrational as I had no end in sight. Even if time did bend to my will and speed by, all that was waiting for me at the end of the night was another day. Everything would be the same. Just slightly less.

I woke up today and I felt, okay. The day did not seem hopeless. It was a good feeling. As the day has gone on, I feel I have embraced this feeling and am looking forward to re gaining my control over life, as everything has spiralled away from me a little. But the resolve is strengthening.

I feel much better just writing this all down, and knowing that you girls may actually understand and empathise. I read what Harlow wrote about suddenly hearing Ana's voice again, and I do. I feel like shedding the weight and the associated baggage is the driving force behind my actions again, rather than the desire to get through the day and close it as quickly as possible. So I will plan. Fail to plan, plan to fail. So cliche but undeniable.

I have a busy day ahead, but I will take sometime to create an adequate plan of attack to kick start the control.

I am hopeful.

Much love,

Ella xx

Stress and sleep...

Morning girlies. I just wanted to reiterate that, even I have not posted for a couple of days, I still religiously read all your entries, and comment whenever possible.

This week has exploded into being insanely busy. I do feel as though I am free falling through it all.

The residue of this weekend is still weighing on me. Perhaps the business and stress has prevented me dealing with it. I don't know. But I am not dealing. At least not in a way that society would allow me. I have continued cutting myself this week. I know I said I would stop. It just has not happened. I think I justify the situation, to myself, in the following ways: I am not hurting anyone (else), I am not doing it for attention (I am really, really not), I almost never cut myself deeply (without trying to sound morbid, I do not cut myself to feel pain. I cut myself for release, and the 'feeling' is part of it of course, but seeing the blood come to the surface and the area go pink enables that feeling of release. Does that make sense to anyone?), I heal reasonably quickly (so the obvious evidence has disappeared usually within a week, and the only remnants are pale lines that are not overtly noticeable). To me, that seems reasonable. I suppose I am hardly impartial in the matter.

Last night was, i suppose interesting would be an appropriate word. To shine some light on how starkly contrasting the two halves of my evening were, the first half was spent at a stand up comedy gig at my bar with L, the second was spent at home doing something I hate, loathe, detest, abhor. I cried. Worst of all, I cried 'about' me. I acknowledge that I cry, I do. I cry about ridiculous things. I cry at movies all the time. I cry at tv. I cry at the news. I cry over books. I cry over old people. I cry at things that are nothing to do with my life. some people find it strange, but I just hate to cry over 'me' or my life. Firstly I feel I have absolutely no right whatsoever. More importantly, I feel too vunerable. In a way I like to be emotionally detached. A therapist once postured that the reason my reactions to books and movies and what not are so strong (if something is even remotely sad I will cry. If something is even remotely amusing I will laugh out loud. If something is even remotely unjust I become furious) is that I use it as my emotional outlet, rather than my own life. I do not know. I digress. So I cried. I cried because I felt I was not coping. more importantly, I felt like I was failing. At nothing overly specific, more in general sense.

It was at that moment, when I was sitting alone in the dark, listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, crying, that the Boy decided to walk in. He has seen me cry before. The vast, vast majority of times it has been the above crying. It is not real, it is affected and if you know me you can tell. I must have looked rather feeble, and his face fell. Of course he asked what was wrong, and i said I did not know. He tried to accept that maybe I didn't, but I could tell he was unsure. So he carried me to the bedroom and just lay there with me. He asked if I could try to explain, even if I was not sure. So I made the summary point that I did not feel as though I was coping. He queried with what. I replied me. He did not push, which I appreciated. So we just lay there, until he broke the silence by saying he noticed something a few days ago, and stroked my left inner forearm. I could feel his finger find the ridges.

So I am not as subtle as I presumed. I am not sure if that is due to my thinking I was too good at hiding it, or a lack of belief he would notice or a combination of the two. He was not angry. I think he tends to see things and rather than dive in and demand actions from me, he quietly watches to make sure i am okay. Okay enough.

So that was my night.

I hope everyone else's was nicer. I must dash, I am at work as always, and one of the managing directors is arriving soon. I think I like him, although more often than not I want to throttle him!

Much love,

Ella xx

Organisng chaos...

Hi girlies, my day has passed both quickly and slowly. It is strange really. I suppose I still in the haze left from this weekend. I flit between feeling like i am moving in slow motion, while the world around me continues at regular speed, and feeling almost the opposite, as though I am moving as intended and the world is dragging behind me.

So I find myself at the end of what is an uncharacteristically short working day of only (nearly) ten hours. I have spent a fair amount of time thinking today. not to say I am generally thoughtless, but my thoughts tend to be somewhat free wheeling. I follow rather than direct, and I tend to prefer it that way. Today has been a little different, my mind has needed nudging and focusing.

I have decided not to go to the gym tonight. I understand that seems like the most illogical choice I could possibly make, especially for an ana who desperately wants to gain control after a weekend of emotional turmoil. There is reasoning behind my apparent madness. I feel I need to organise my chaos before I try to control it. I feel as though I have been stretched so thin over the past week or so. As though everything has been sneaking up on me and collaborating with the purpose of pulling the floor out from beneath me. I think it won this weekend. Subsequently everything is quite literally all over the place. When I crash like I did, it is impossible for me to maintain order. And I like, and quite possibly need, order. My apartment is a bit of a mess. It needs to be cleaned. I find I cannot function in a messy home. My mind is a bit of a mess and I think I need to command some order up there. I am a mess. My hair needs to be washed immediately. My nails are chipped. i know this sounds incredibly shallow and superficial. I suppose it is. But it is just a symptom of someone who is a perfectionist in many ways.

I have made up my mind to spend this evening organising my chaos. Everything from my hair and nails, to my apartment, laundry and refrigerator. I will still work on my new thinspiration book this evening.

I know that all the above may seem as though it should be secondary to going to the gym to burn off calories. But right now I feel out of control. Not in a wild way, but in a sinking way. As though I have chosen the direction I want to run in, but I am running away from an avalanche. So in reality the choice was made for me. It is dramatic I know. I just need some sense right now.

Consumption has not been wonderful today. The chef kept giving me food and I cannot remember choosing to eat it, but some how I did. It is just indicative of today. Tomorrow will be clearer.

I will post later, and will hopefully be in a clean apartment and feeling more like myself. I hope everyone is wonderful today. Love you all.

Much love,

Ella xx

Everything seems so heavy...

Hey girlies, I just wanted to say thank you. I know you do not know what for. This weekend was really, tough. I have been very low. Unnervingly so. I know I have not really posted this weekend, but I have been reading, and that helped me immensely. I really do believe reading your guys' entries somehow prevented the ground from swallowing me whole.

The weekend started as they all seem to. I tend not to work Friday evenings, but the Boy does. This generally leads to my being alone in the apartment all night. Which is terrible. By Friday my resolve is paper thin (unlike me), and I am a nauseating mix of huge amounts of anxiety over the weekend ahead, and uncontrollable relief at the end of the week. This conflict almost invariably culminates in some kind of failure, almost always centered around food. Boredom, anxiety, being alone, relief, and lack of resolve seem to equate to food. (I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that I know I talk about being alone at home a fair deal. This is not something I am 'upset' about. In fact I simply love it. Having the whole apartment to myself is wonderful. Ever since I was a child I was someone who needed and thrived on their 'alone' time).

I tried to start this weekend in a brighter frame of mind. I went to the gym Friday early evening for about an hour and a half. It felt good, really good. It seems so obvious, but being proactive can do wonders for your emotions. Even when I ended up eating gnocchi (see below post), I understood it was, to all extent and purposes, necessary. I dealt with that rather well for me. No freak out. No panic. I could almost say I was 'sensible'. That was the last thing I coped with at all this weekend.

The worst part of it all is that I do not know what set the ball rolling. I cannot, even now, identify a trigger. This exasperates the whole situation. It is a catch-22 with the anxiety. I become incredibly anxious, but do not know why as there seems to be no apparent reason, which in turn heightens the anxiety.

To the world outside my head, I am sure my weekend and the activities seemed utterly 'normal', to the point of boring. I ran errands with L on Saturday afternoon and was dragged by her to our favourite Japanese noodle bar for an early dinner. We enjoyed one cocktail at out favourite bar. She then went to work at a bar so fills in for, and I went home. L is incredibly social and loves to go out, all the time. No matter the time. She is also very persuasive, and is the only person who seems to be able to make me do things I do not really want to. Like agree to meet her, my Boy (who finished at his bar at the same time), and 5 more friends at midnight to attend some special evening at the above mentioned cocktail bar. I have mentioned before I am not overly social. I find it all somewhat of a chore. I did not want to go. But everyone seemed to be so 'excited' that I was actually going to go out. As with most of you, letting people down is just another failure I ardently try to avoid. So I guess I was reeled in.

Maybe that is when is started to spiral. When I was at home I read my new Harpers and stared at all the beautifully thin and stunningly beautiful models and the panic started to rise and the feelings of total and utter inadequacy started to seep in. I decided to have a glass of champagne. I am not sure why. I really do not drink a large amount of alcohol. A control thing, and I could not stand to be drunk in front of people. I would be mortified. It seemed to help to begin with. Or so I thought. An hour later I was in what I call a 'panic cocoon'. Externally I am devoid of visible emotion. I suppose I must almost look completely bored by everything around me. I attribute that to the fact I have no energy to paste on the faux trappings of emotion as everything I have is trying to control what is going on inside. Inside I feel this hole. It is not a hole representing emptiness as after many years I can handle that and still appear functional on the outside. This is more like a black hole. A gaping chasm that is 'sucking' everything I have left into it. All my energy, my emotions, my thoughts. All that is left is this panic and anxiety and I try to seal it. But how do you close a black hole? That is not rhetorical.

I was fading out, but after an hour or so everything came flooding back into myself. I felt like I was going to explode. every emotion was coursing through me. The relief at sealing the void, the fear that it would not hold, the panic, the anxiety, the rage. I thought I might explode. So I cut myself again. I know it is foolish, and I know the surge of calm that washes over me is only fleeting. But sometimes it is so necessary, just so I can gather myself. No one sees the cuts. I do not want them to. But there is that small part of me that wonders why they do not see? Is it because I hide them so well? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I am careless. Is it because they do not care? I suppose I know that is not true. Is it because they just do not think I would be a person who does that? I think that is the true reason. But I cannot be certain.

So I centered myself. I calmed down, visibly. I went out. The evening was pleasant. I suppose for anyone else it would have even been fun. I wonder sometimes why I find it so hard to relax and enjoy myself. Most of the group (other than myself, L and the Boy) had been out for quite sometime so were rather sloshed, which provides a certain amount of entertainment before sensible Ella starts to look after them, ordering (non)alcoholic cocktails for them.

Sunday was blurry. I really did not drink much alcohol, and was up at half 8 in the morning after about 4 and a half hours sleep. I generally spent my day wandering aimlessly around stores. not looking for anything. Just looking around. I just compared myself to everything. Sometimes favourably, sometimes detrimentally. Strangely I was almost disappointed when I came out on top in a comparison. Maybe I just am not comfortable with not hating myself. I really am not sure.

My food intake was erratic this weekend. I do not think I have the energy to go into it, nor do am I sure of the accuracy of what I remember. It can be a little vague when I am low.

I am tired this morning. I am physically tired as I only had about 2 hours sleep again last night. I am mentally exhausted. I am, however, exceptionally restless.

I may go to the gym this evening. I should. Whilst I do not really want to go into the food over the weekend, it was not wonderful and work must be done. I think I may plan to go every night, other than Thursday as I am having to work from 7 am until midnight.

After the gym I am going to sit down and plan my week. Minutely. If I plan, I will deviate less and be less likely to be convinced by someone else's plans. I suppose it will also serve as a distraction this evening. I will also start my new thinspiration book. I hope I actually do these things tonight. I am just all over the place right now.

I am sorry about this post. I am in a conflicted mindset. I know that the only people who can and might understand me are you girls. You really do mean the world to me. Although, I am so conditioned to not expecting to be understood or allowed to behave the way I naturally do that I suppose I am almost waiting for you all to suddenly ostracise me. please understand that is in no way a judgement on you all. More one of me.

I am going to stop rambling now. I doubt you will have read this far and I do not blame you in the slightest.

I should try and sign off on a less depressing note. Are people watching cycle 12 of America's Next Top Model? I caught the premier on youtube. Does anyone else find that the American series pales next to the Australian series?

Love you all,

Ella xx

Confessions...

I have thought about just not mentioning this, but after re-reading all those amazing comments I received for my last post, I realised that I would be cheating not only myself but all of you.

So after the gym I came home and pretty much collapsed onto the sofa.  I spent the evening in this weird shaky state.  I just could not stop my knees wobbling and getting head rushes whenever I got up.  I know it was not that I did not eat enough, as I have eaten far less than that before.  This is not my way of trying to make excuses by the by, I am just giving you the background leading to it.  I am sure you have all guessed by now that I am talking about eating last night when I said to myself and all you guys via my blog, that I would not.  I know this is a bit 'rambly', sorry.  My bingelet was not horrific and i will not pretend that I am freaking out, because strangely enough I am not.  Is that weird?  I ended up having 2 small bowls of organic gnocchi and red pesto.  I worked it out and it was around the 800 cals mark.  Which for only two small bowls seems a load.

I think the reason I am not freaked out is that I took it all into consideration.  I had had about 6 hours of sleep in 72 hours, I spend most my working days (which are usually 10 - 13 hours) on my feet, i walk everywhere, I have been to the gym alot (for me) and worked really hard (for me) and usually on almost no food, and I was craving carbs.  So yea, I felt I need to be completely honest.  I immediately felt better, and I ate very slowly so as not to full out binge, but sometimes it is just necessary.

So yea.  I feel better getting that off my chest.  

I need to split as I promised I would meet with L to run some errands, I will absolutely post later and comment on all bogs of course.

Sorry again for letting you (and myself down), but I am actually managing the emotions well for me, so that is a positive for once!

Much love girlies,

Ella xx

Out of Breath...

Evening girlies, how is everyone's Friday night?  As rock'n'roll as mine?  I am not sure it is possible...

I finished work at 5, walked 15 minutes home changed and grabbed my gym bag, and walked all the way back to use the gym.  As I said earlier, I should not moan as every little bit of exercise helps burns the cals, but it was a little irritating.  Oh well.  The gym was reasonable:

30 minutes on the bike - burned 215 cals

45 minutes on the elliptical - burned circa 520 cals

So total at the gym - burned 745 cals.

Add the hours walking today and I am pretty pleased.  I know the cals burned on the elliptical seem pretty low.  As I have mentioned I have a very low boredom threshold, especially at the gym.  Sometimes I find it frustrating that I feel like I am running but not actually moving forward, but I am veering of point.  Does anyone ever find that their body just refuses to cooperate?  I was on the trainer and to keep my interest levels and to split the time into more easily handled segments I do 5 minutes forward, 5 minutes backward.  Whilst going forward I was able to power on, but for some inexplicable reason my legs (specifically my quads) were really unwilling to go particularly fast backwards.  It was annoying.

Consumption today has been okay:

Breakfast was a box of pomegranate seeds - 55 cals

for lunch I had 2 very thick slices of wholemeal bread - to be safe I will say 250 cals

and of course diet coke and mineral water.

Tonight I am going to try and stick to the following:

diet coke and mineral water

lettuce with balsamic vinegar/olive oil dressing that I will make

cucumber with philly extra light

if I am desperate maybe some organic tomato soup.

I will let you know how it goes, i am in the danger zone - home alone all night!

Oh and Dee - the Philadelphia Extra Light mini tubs are amazing!  They come in packs of four.  Each tub is 35g and has 38 cals.  I either eat them with a cucumber or just on their own.

Okie dokie ladies, now I have relaxed i need a shower!

Much love,

Ella xx

Lie in...

Hi girlies, how is everyone doing? I hope splendidly!

I am going to dive right into the nitty gritty of it all. Consumption yesterday was as follows:

2 boxes of pomegranate seeds (delicious and a 'super food') - 110 cals
1 box of frozen raspberries - 96 cals
2 mini tubs of Philadelphia Extra Light - 76 cals
1 organic cucumber - 30 cals
Diet coke and sugar free gum - 10 cals

Total for Thursday - 322 cals.

I must own up and admit that there was no trip to the gym last night, but I did get up super early (after about 2 hours sleep) and spend most of the day on my feet and I did about an hours worth of walking around (to and from home and places) with a heavy bag. So at least i was not totally sedentary all day! Hopefully I burned some off.

Today has thus far been eerily similar to yesterday. Up super early after yet another 2 hours sleep (does anyone else find that when they know they have to get up crazy early, and that they absolutely cannot oversleep, that they cannot get to sleep at all? Or is that just me?). Walked to work, spent most of the day (up until now) on my feet, but not alot of walking yet. Oh and I just having breakfast (yes I know I have been up for 8 hours but it is my first food so it must be breakfast) now - another box of pomegranate seeds - 55 cals. I also brought an organic cucumber and 2 mini tubs of the Philly Extra Light as it is Friday and the chef is always trying to thrust tonnes of food in my direction, and after a while it can become very tempting. So I have my trusted snack which (if I ate the whole thing) would be 106 cals.

I am planning to head to the gym tonight, but did not have time to pack the gym bag before power walking to work (remember how I said I could absolutely not oversleep? Well i absolutely did by a half hour). So i need to go home after work (I am not complaining the round trip will add another 30 minutes of walking to my days activities) and pick up all my things and head back. I will update my gym bunny-ness later this evening.

I am super excited that I actually get to lie in tomorrow, and not get up at 6 am! I am not an early morning person by choice.

Oh and I just remembered, after the gym I need to walk the 25 minutes to the grocery store, but will probably have to get a cab home. Oh well, every little helps does it not.

So I do not know if anyone feels the way I do, but I find clothes are hugely thinspirational. I am slightly obsessed with fashion industry. In my eyes it is more that clothes, it is fabric art. Combine that with luxurious implications and gorgeously skinny models, what is not to love? So I throw my hands up and admit I am a bit of a fashion addict and over indulge in my fair share of shopping. I just look at all the beautiful garments and imagine how they will look when they hang the exact way I want them to on my frame. So that is what I spent a lot of my time doing last night, with a huge pile of magazines.

Okie dokie ladies, i have probably bored you enough for now and will catch up with you and all your blogs later.

Much love,

Ella xx

Feeling okay...

Morning girlies, how is everyone doing? I hope you are all well. I have just trawled through as many entries as I could manage at this early hour, and commented where I could!

So I am pretty pleased with yesterday. I went to the gym after work, and I am pleased as I was pretty shattered from the long day/lack of sleep combination and could have easily strolled on by and spent the evening sprawled on the sofa as I used to. But instead I made up my mind and went to the gym where I did 20 minutes on the bike (-150 cals) and 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer (-520 cals). You have no idea what an achievement that is for me as I usually get bored after about 5 minutes. Not that this time was any different (exacerbated by the fact that i left my ipod and headphones at home!) this time, but I forced myself to stay on. So I am quite pleased. Yesterday I only consumed diet coke and mineral water, (10 cals), one slice thick wholemeal bread (I shall say 120 cals t be safe) and a box of frozen raspberries after the gym (96 cals). So a total of 226 cals for the day, factor in the gym, and the hour or so worth of walking I am pleased. Lets hope I can keep it up today, although I am not going to the gym but I will be on my feet the majority of the day.

I found out late last night that the other manager had an operation on her eye last night and needs at least a week of. This means I have to open all the days here (not Saturday and Sunday thank goodness) which means getting up at 6 am to be here just after 7 am. I am so not a morning person. In fact I almost nocturnal, so this is going to be a huge shock for my body clock. I wonder how it will cope. Oh well!

Does anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend? Mine consist of work all day tomorrow and then the gym straight after and the evening at home. Saturday will be spent running errands, and I will try and squeeze a gym trip in. I am not sure if i am going to be rendez-vous-ing with L that evening so we shall see. It may be a good idea as I am more easily able to control my consumption when I am not alone in the house all evening (the Boy is working). Sunday will be gym and general preparation for a week of super early mornings! Am i exciting of what!?

Oh and I just wanted to say I think everyone should get a blackberry! When i was at the gym and was getting bored I just zoned out and caught up on your blogs. it is such strong motivation, you would not believe!

Okie dokie, well i will update later and let you know if I can continue behaving myself!

Much love,

ella xx

Early morning calls...

Hi girlies, how is everyone doing? Better than me I hope. Do not fear, this post will be no where near as negative as the last. Thank goodness! I only have a tiny moan...

So I was working the late shift last night (the other manager only does days as she is alot older), and did not get home until close to 2 am. That is not a problem at all, I tend to sway more toward the nocturnal side of life. When I close the venue I have to actually use my brain a little, by cashing up, floating the safe, banking, doing the end of day budgets, all the usual bits and pieces. This means my mind is alert when I get home and I tend not to be able to go to sleep for a few hours after, I only got to sleep at about 5 am this morning. I was supposed to be in at midday, so just under 6 hours sleep is not so bad. It seems the other manager had different ideas. We had a licensing inspection from the local authorities this morning (we only found out an hour before they came), and rather than just handling it herself, she had a tizzie and decided she could not possibly cope unless I was there. so I got a half past 8 phone call to come in early. So out of bed I dragged myself to get here for just gone 9 am. I am a teensy bit lethargic at the moment.

On the plus side, I did make time to quickly pack my gym bag for a session after work (I am now finishing at about 7 pm instead 0f 8 pm lucky me). So i am off to do some cardio this evening on the way home, as i said yesterday. I still cannot believe I am actually quite looking forward to it! Although after yesterday's session, muscles I have not used in years are not very pleased with me! Oh well, no pain no gain.

So yesterday's calorie intake was pretty pleasing. have a box of frozen raspberries (I still lover them) - 96 cals, a frozen portion of smoothie - 96 cals, and some organic tomato soup - 250 cals. Obviously diet coke and mineral water, they go without saying. So the total intake was 442 cals. Then I was in the gym for about an hour, and walked about an hour too. So hopefully I burned off some. I also did my gym having eaten nothing, well other than my ginger and kelp pills. SO hopefully that made my body work that little bit harder.

Today I have had one slice of wholemeal bread (it was thick sliced so I will say about 120 cals to be safe) so I have a little energy for the elliptical trainer tonight!

Okay, I must dash, everything is going haywire at work! I hope everyone is doing well!

Much love,

Ella xx

Finally...

Hey girlies, I am so sorry for my inexcusable and prolonged absence. It has been a horrific mixture of being too busy for words at work, being ill and having internet issues to put it politely. But back I am, and I hope no one has ditched me, I really am more reliable than I have been making out over the past 5 days.

I will share with you the speed version of my reasons for absence:
16 hour work days, being attacked by a drunk irish student nurse called Orla, having to come into work on one of my only nights off after working 14 hours because some hoodlums broke in and stole stuff and then threatened to slit my throat, horrifically awful cramps and subsequent vomitting, questionable internet access which lead to me only being able to use my blackberry which allows me to view blogger land but not contribute.
But i am back with some kind of vengence, nto sure hwo much. I have been keeping up to date with all your entries into the blog arena, but have not been able to comment and i will rectify this situation as soon as possible!

As for me and my life, the last 5 days have been challenging, mostly due to the above reasons, I won't bore you with all the details aother than to clarify my throat has nto been slit and the police soared to my rescue, and the drunken orla did land her punch to my chest but it was reasonably feeble and she broke two of her plastic press on nails in the process.

Food wise has been a little up and down. A few of the days were pretty good, only fruit and what not. A couple of the days were, I regret to say it, binge days. I put it down to 'that time of the month'. I do not cope very well with them at all. A terrible cycle of being sick and subsequent binging (I know, that is the wrong way round in our world), and sometimes even passing out. But I do not want to start moaning or this post could degenerate into a moan-fest and that is not the way to try and earn forgiveness for being gone for so long.

On the plus side, I have been to the gym 3 times (which is a miracle). And today I had my first session with my new personal trainer. I explained I needed someone who would be forceful and not let me stop just because i am bored, and boy did they deliver. his name is Tony and he is an ex-marine. He got me doing a whole load of core training, and in our next session (Thursday morning) we are working on some cardio stuff. He is crazy! But I guess that is what I wanted, so hopefully he will really help boost weight loss, as up until now I have not done any form of exercise other than walking and being busy at work for a few years! I am also going to the gym tomorrow night after work. In a strange way I am really looking forward to my gym trips now. I always read how you guys looked forward to it, and I could not understand. But suddenly I am feeling the same. I guess it must be the endorphins.

In other news, I had the most awful day at work yesterday. Well actually, that is not true. The day in general was fine, it was just the end of the day. The Kitchen supervisor here is beyond words. I cannot adequately express how little I like her. She is unbelievable. Basically to sum it up and again trying to prevent a rant, she was in trouble (as usual) with the catering manager and rather than just hold her hands up and admit to what she had done, she tried to blame everyone else, and when that did not work she tried to divert attention from her failings by making up lies about me, effectively accusing me of giving away stock. Which is not true at all. No one believed her and in the end she was in more trouble for it, but I was so furious. That lead to my agreeing to going out for a drink (first alcohol in over a week) with L. Which was nice in some ways, but unnecessary calories!

I have been pretty down this weekend. Not because of 'that time', I tend not to get emotional or anything like that. I think it was just a depressive self loathing session. I was alone most of the weekend which gave me ample time to evaluate myself and remind myself of all my faults and how inadequate I am. I just really hate me sometimes. I am constantly amazed that the Boy is with me, that I have friends (not many but I am not very social so do not need many), that you guys bother with me (which means the world to me, and I am so sorry for being absent). I feel I have to believe that when the weight goes everything will suddenly be bright and rosy and perfect. But what if it is not? What if the weight is just a symptom, and I have to confront the fact that I am the problem. Do you know what I mean? I guess I should not lie, even by omission. I used to cut myself. Never very deep, and not with any intention of serious harm. It was a strange combination of stress relief and self punishment. I almost felt like I was a bottle of soda and when I was shaken the pressure inside was too much and if I did not create an opening I would explode. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone but I know what I mean. Sometimes I would just punish myself for something stupid, or because I felt I deserved it. Well, I did it again for the first time last night. It was not deep and no one noticed, as I always carry band aids with me. I felt better for a while, but it never lasts too long. But I have decided I do not want to fall back into that again, so I am really going to try to stay strong. The Boy knows I used to do it, and it upsets him, and i do not want something I do to upset him, so I must try to not slip up again.

Okay I feel like I might have been very depressing so I will leave it there.

As I said I am so sorry it has been so long since my last entry, and I do feel like I have let you all down. So I hope you can all forgive me. I hope everyone on SBC is coping and doing well, at least better than me.

I love you all, I really do.

Much love,

Ella xx

Smurfs...

Hi di hi girlies, how is everyone? I hope wonderful is the answer (especially to those who were not feeling so great recently)!

So in disappointing news, I did not manage to get to the gym today, despite my best intentions. I have a reasonably good excuse! I got up this morning and went to a store to pick up some gym clothes, nothing too exciting just some baggy guy tee's (I hate to wear anything tight, especially around the supper fit and toned girls), some socks, you know the usual. So I had left myself plenty of time to buy my bits and pieces, get home and get ready for the gym, go to the gym for about an hour, and get home, get ready for work and be on time. My organisation was surprisingly efficient. I did not however, factor in being called into work early. Which is precisely what happened. I am thrilled. Never, fear, my gym bag will be packed and brought to work with me tomorrow morning so I can go in at about 8 pm tomorrow evening, on my way home. And as it is a Friday evening I am planning to stay there a couple of hours and even use the aromatherapy steam room (so long as no one else is there - and generally I find other people prefer saunas for some inexplicable reason). Oh and I am going to try the PowerPlate thingies that everyone is harping on about. Has anyone else ever tried one? If so what is the experience like? And any tips?

Despite not going to the gym, today will not have been devoid of exercise. I walked to the store about back home (about a half hour round trip), have walked to work and will walk back (about a 20 minute round trip) and will undoubtedly spend the vast majority of the night on my feet and running around like a headless chicken as we will be uber busy tonight, a rugby team is hosting a huge party, and for some inexplicable reason they are all dressing up as smurfs?! I love the smurfs as much as any other 20 something year old, but I cannot say i have a burning desire to paint myself blue and embody Smurfette! Each to their own I suppose.

Consumption has been fair, yesterday I had a box of frozen raspberries (96 cals), 2 frozen smoothie portions (194 cals), an organic cucumber with extra light Philadelphia cream cheese ( 58 cals) and a small tub of organic baby plum tomatoes (60 cals), oh those two slices of wholemeal bread with nothing on (190 cals). And copious amounts of diet coke and mineral water. So I reasonably okay with that. Today has been one portion of frozen smoothie (97 cals), on box of frozen raspberries (96 cals), some frozen mandarin segments (40 cals) - I am fully aware alot of what I eat seems to be frozen but it last longer - and I have brought an organic cucumber and some extra light Philadelphia cream cheese to work. Diet coke and mineral water should also help fill me up. fingers crossed we will get so busy that I spend the night rushing around burning calories and have no time to think about food!

Does anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend? mine consist of Friday night gym session. Saturday day i promised I would swing by L's store and have a look at the new collection she is marketing, followed by another gym session as she is having dinner with her family and the Boy is working. Sunday is all up in the air at the moment. I cannot imagine anyone possibly having more exciting plans than those!

Oh and I just wanted to say Harlow has a really pretty picture of her on her blog for a limited period only (thank you for re posting - time difference can be annoying), and she looks fantastic! I think Jenna is fit to burst at the idea of seeing Hair for her 21st birthday soon! And that Kat is planing to create her very own ana website with classic and original material which I cannot wait for and am sure it will be awesome!

I hope everyone on SBC is holding on, weigh day is tomorrow again. Hopefully my binge at the weekend has been counteracted at least a little otherwise I will probably be closer to my starting weight again which would seriously suck!

much love,

Ella xx

Absent...

Hi girlies, I am so sorry about my unexplained absence for the last 24 hours. I have been keeping up to date with everyone's blogs, but had no time to comment or write my own entries!

So other than being extremely and unexpectedly busy, the most important news is this: (and I am going to speak in the third person to emphasise it's significance) Ella went to the gym! You read it correctly ladies, I finally got off my bottom and went to the gym. I feel pretty good about it. I went this morning just before midday, and did a half hour on the elliptical trainer and ten minutes on the bike. I know it is hardly an impressive workout but just going is a huge step for me. Also it was a spare of the moment decision and I could only spend that much time there as I had to get ready for work. I did go before I ate anything which is apparently the best time to go too. But on a positive note I have signed up for some personal training sessions as the fitness manager is going to call me soon to make an appointment. I did point out that I needed a strict personal trainer as I have a tendency to stop something as soon as I get bored, and am very good at making up excuses (as I guess we all have to be). Whoever is training e needs to be impervious to my crap! He said they had a guy who used to train the marines, and I said he sounded perfect! So the fitness and calorie burning at the gym scheme is moving forward. in fact i am even going tomorrow day time! Look at me!

Consumption has not been to terrible the last two days, I failed at the water/diet coke fast, but still only had fruit (frozen raspberries and Mandarin segments - I am obsessed) and a little extra light Philadelphia. So not as bad as it could have been. Today i have had some frozen raspberries (96 cals for a huge tub), and 2 slices of wholemeal bread with nothing on as I really needed something filling at that will last me until I get out of work at about 2 am (having been here since 2 in the afternoon) and I would say they are about 100 cals a slice. I burned 300 cals at the gym, and I will have spent about 45 minutes walking today by the time I get home. Gosh, that paragraph was a little all over the place!

Oh, and in response to Maggie's question about the frozen raspberries, they are delicious! I buy them from the grocery store, they come in 350g boxes, and the whole thing comes to 96 cals. I just eat them as they are. I take a box out of the freezer and leave it for about 5 or ten minutes to start thawing a little, and then dive in. They warm up a little and i just pull them apart and consume them. Why i prefer them to regular raspberries is that they take so much longer to eat, so I don't wolf them down and then go onto something else. The only down side is that the freeze my finger tips and turn them pink! But I can live with that! I have just bought frozen mandarin slices too and they are almost as scrummy but not quite!

It seems as though quiet a few people are feeling not so great, so I just want to send all my love out and hope everyone starts to feel better!

Much love,

Ella xx

Finally...

Hi girlies, sorry for my distinct lack of update last night. The Boy was being supremely selfish and monopolising the laptop, and I consoled myself by watching much Poirot. I love Poirot, and David Suchet (I am sure that almost none of you will have a clue what I am talking about).

So, in items of note, I finally quit my old gym and joined the Fitness First located about a four minute walk from my apartment. So I have no excuse, and I actually feel very positive about it. I plan to go tomorrow evening (about 9pm) after work. I do not know anyone who goes to this gym in all honesty, but I may try to convince L to go with me (at least some of the time). But either way I am still going to go. I am aiming for 3 times each week, at least. They also have aromatherapy steam rooms! Which is heavenly as I adore them. I cannot stand saunas though, they always seem to burn my nostrils as I forget about what happens when you breathe really deeply through your nose! Steam rooms are amazing, and the eucalyptus and lavender scents are so dreamy! Also I plan to have a massage there as soon as I can, as I have been sleeping in very strange positions lately and am constantly waking up with either neck ache, back ache or both! Also I love massages!

Yesterday I did not do so well at the liquid fast. I would not say it was a binge. But I ate a fair bit. But is was all healthy (fruit mainly, cucumber and a turkey steak), so I am not going to completely berate myself! Today has been fruit and cucumber. I really think I may be becoming addicted to these organic frozen raspberries, they are so delicious! I am actually going to the 24 hour grocery store after work (about 1am) to pick up some more!

Oh, I have just been invited to a birthday party in london at the end of march for a guy I was at school in singapore with. I have not seen him in years but we kept in touch. He is such a sweet guy, he was the youngest son of my german teacher and a history teacher in Singapore, so he was half german half south african. He is so smart and funny, I just like talking to him. This is going to sound so egotistical, and it is really not meant to be, but he was in love with me in Singapore (well as in a love as a 16 year old can be). We took french, german and history together. He would do the sweetest things, but I was so naive I never realised he liked me like that. He used to give me packets of my favourite sweets that he had specially doctored to only contain my favourite flavours every week. He did a lot of the things anonymously. On Valentines he would send a dozen red roses though the school service to me during class. At christmas he would send me candy canes. At easter he would send daffodils. And each thing would have a sonnet he had written for me signed anonymous. He never hit on me in real life though. We were friends but I would not have said yes, as I just didn't have those feelings for him. But he is the kindest guy ever. So I am so excited to get to see him so soon. The down side? Quite a few of my class mates (mainly only the boys) from my years in Singapore will be there, and I have not seen them since I was at my skinniest! So I need to power lose weight for then! Which is pressure!

I just wanted to say congratulations to Reese on getting engaged! I am so thrilled for you!

I hope everyone is holding on and doing well with SBC. Knowing i have this party means I am in need of it more than ever!

Oh and like everyone else sorry I have not commented for a little while blogger is being... difficult!

Much love,

Ella xx

Wavering...

Oh my goodness. I have just had a battle with my instinct. When I am work, my office is adjacent to the kitchen, and the chef is always trying to feed me. Food, freshly cooked and warm and smelltastic, keeps appearing on my desk. I am so used to absent mindedly picking at food all day, I have had to actively control myself. Which is not a massive hardship, but it does highlight how so much of my previous eating was a combination of habit and boredom!

I hope everyone is doing okay and I will check in with you all later!

Much love,

Ella xx

A New Beginning...

Morning girlies. So it is a Monday, and everything feels like you can (almost) wipe the slate clean and begin anew. So that is exactly what I plan to do. Much of the good work I have put in last week was cancelled out over the weekend. So I am invoke the right of 'Monday' and putting it all behind me and moving forward with renewed resolve and increased determination. I weighed myself this morning which was an interesting form of self flagellation! I knew it was not going to be good. Not at all. And (sorry to take the tone here) there had been no BM at all over the weekend. I am definitely going to get some lax today.

So the weekend is over and I am back at work. I am not thrilled. Not at all, but it is easier to restrict while I am here. As I outlined in a previous post, I only ever binge when I am home. Maybe I should become homeless! Or not. I have the feeling today is going to drag. I have some many thanks to do, and so few I want to do. The other manager here is driving me insane today. She keeps screwing with my software or breaking something then having a paddy and interrupting me and demanding that I fix everything. How did she cope when I was not here? It is a miracle the building did not burn to the ground. Okay, maybe that is a tad dramatic. But maybe that is the mood I am in this morning.

Today I am going to try and stick to the water/diet coke fast. I cannot be sure of how I will do. That is not to say I am not determined to succeed, it is just I am not absolutely sure I will. I do have a back up plan. after this weekend's gross marathon, I have prepped my kitchen. I have bought the Boy food he likes that I hate, so I will not be interested in eating that. I have stocked the freezer with fresh frozen raspberries, and have made frozen portion of innocent smoothies which are Delicious, uber healthy and organic! I also have organic cucumber and organic baby plum tomatoes. for emergencies I have that organic plum tomato soup, and mini tubs of extra light Philadelphia which are only 38 cals each. So I am pretty set for the week. I always feel better with a plan and with structure. Drifting is not good for me, which is why I will generally screw up over the weekend or when left to do absolutely nothing for too long.

Other distractions for today are quitting my current gym and joining a new one tonight. Spring cleaning (even though it does not quite feel warm enough to be spring here yet), washing hair, manicure, and who knows what else. I also need to book a hair appointment to deal with my split ends which are beginning to rear their ugly heads now! I just feel the more distracted I am the less likely to falter I am. So the plan is to stay busy, as much as possible. Oh and definitely to start going to the gym. imagine how much more I could have lost last week if I had combined my restricting with actual exercise! The best part about exercise (other than the steam room at the end) is that I never really feel like eating afterwards!

I am rambling I know! I guess I am putting off the mountain of work that is glaring at me, and trying to avoid the other manager. She is by the by a very good example of reverse thinspiration. I would say she is about 5 foot 4 inches and is about a US size 26! She is gargantuan! She is surprised (unbelievably) that she now has diabetes! Shocker! god I sound so mean. She is lovely, but also excessively irritating at times! And the comment about her size is not meant to be mean, I am just stating the facts.

Okie dokie, must dash for a while. I will be on later to bore you all a little more!

much love,

Ella xx