Tuesday, 14 April 2009


Do you ever have the sensation that you mind is throbbing?  Almost pulsating?  Not your brain, but your mind.  The throbbing begins in times of intense and mixed emotions, when it knows it is feeling something incredibly strongly, but cannot decide what.  I am stuck in this perpetual throb.  At this moment, I am caught between rage, depression, fear and self loathing.

I am still furious regarding my work dilemma.  Not just because I have been thrust into this unjust and unfair position, but because I feel so redundant when trying to tackle it.  I feel depression creeping back in like a cool mist, dulling my senses but forcing my hand, making me feign 'coping' to all those around me.  Self loathing is, strangely, the most comforting of all my feelings.  Ana, my old faithful companion is perched high upon my shoulder, magnifying my flaws.

I feel like I am drifting, upon a turbulent and changing sea, and Ana is my anchor.  The one thing keeping me tethered, and preventing me from being pulled out to the eternal expanse of water out there.  I am holding on with both hands, my knuckles are pale.

I suppose I am avoiding the underlying issue.  It would be understandable to assume that it must be my work predicament.  But strangely it is not.  I am, as I said furious.  Control has been ripped from my clutches.  In a way, I have accepted that I am never going back.  I never want to.  I cannot trust that place ever again.  I am not going to miss it.

It all falls back to the same point of origin.  Control.  I want it so badly, with every ounce of the essence.  Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it is in my grasp, but it never stays.

I am afraid I have spent my life watching it go by, thinking of what I could have been, instead of actually living it and being those things.  At least attempting to be.  I am afraid of failure.  I would rather not try and therefore not fail, than run the risk.  How sad that must seem.  When I was young everything came with a natural ease.  I was a straight A+ student, without ever having to study.  I was intensely sporty, playing in several sports for England, I used to be super skinny and be able to control myself and my weight with almost no thought.  And now?  I am not entirely sure where it all went wrong.  Now I am afraid most of the time.

I know I must make the mental commitment to grab hold and control my own existence, but it is hard.  Ana knows this about me.  She is trying to help me so much, and I do not want to disappoint her.  I want to be perfect again.

I hope all you girls are fairing better than I am right now.  Thank you so much for all your supportive comments, I would say you have no idea how much you all mean to me, but I suppose we all feel that way.  Please do not pity me, I will be okay again at some stage.  I suppose I realise that the time in between is down to me in the most part.

Much love,

Ella xx

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand. Control is essential, and when we are stripped of it we feel... a wreck.

    You will regain control soon. You always do.

    Loving you.