Excuses...

Hey girlies.  I know I have not been around so much lately.  Well that is not entirely true.  I have not been visible much lately, but I have still been reading all your blogs every day.  I think the problem is, or at least my excuse is, that I hate to write an entry when I am 'failing'.  When I am doing terribly.  And that is exactly how I have been doing lately.

I have had no structure in my life for the past four weeks or so.  I suddenly found myself with day after day of nothing but free time.  It was all so overwhelming.  I am sure everyone is thinking I could have achieved so much, and I think I should have too.  But the sudden descent into a huge expanse of free time from a busy life full of structure and stress has just been too much.  I spiralled for quite a long time.  Which lead to me binging, eating my feelings.  It started as e eating my anger and despair towards my previous employers.  After time, feelings numb a little.  They were replaced by boredom.  Insatiable boredom.  Boredom binges ensued.  

Every time I have gained weight it can be attributed to boredom eating.  It is so frustrating.  

So, I think I have firmly established that structure is essential to my life, and must be re instilled.  Following Reese's resolution I am going to post at least twice a day, preferably three times (I apologise in advance if I bore you all senseless).  That should help break my day down into more manageable chunks, as opposed to being faced with an endless expanse of time.  

I need to start going to the gym again, desperately.  Again I know you must all be thinking that with all my free time I should have been living at the gym.  I admit I should have.  Again, when all this started happening I was falling apart and the gym did not even factor in any of my decisions.  And now it is so hard to motivate myself to anything at all, let alone something that involves effort.  Pathetic I know.

So, this shall be post number one for today.  I hope that by the time I post again I will have something that would be worth reading, rather than boring you all again.

I just feel so fat and disgusting.  So dehydrated all the time.  I need this to change or else I do not what I will do.

Much love,

ella xx