Mulling...

Evening girlies, I hope everyone is super.  So I am at home, alone.  I adore my alone time, I can say with no hint of doubt in my mind that if I did not have my time alone I would either implode and self destruct, or go completely crazy.  Neither particularly appeals to me.

So I have spent the vast majority of the day mulling.  Just mulling over everything that is going on in my life right now.  I suppose I have been evaluating my levels of control, both of the event and the fallout.  How much control do I really have, and how much do I really exert in these situations.

The easiest to talk about is my weight.  Of course.  I know what I need to do and what Ana needs form me.  When broken down into it's basic components it is so simple for want of a better word.  I need to not eat.  I need to exercise.  I need to stay focused.  So why I am not doing those three simple things?  In reality we all know it is so much harder than just that.  It is about so much more than just being skinny.  It is about alleviating some of the pressure that weighs on us.  You do not just shed pounds, but you expel weight that is no physical, it is emotional and mental. 

So I am going to relaunch my thinspiration book.  Deploy my tactics from my skinniest years.  i am going to throw myself into this, body and soul.  As it stands right now it is all I have that is set in stone.  My desire, or rather my overwhelming need to lose weight, and to be beautiful and skinny.  To be the best shell I can possibly be.

I am feeling good for the first time in a few weeks now.  Not happy exactly, but dare I say it, hopeful.  

I love you all.

Much love,

ella xx