Morning girlies, I hope everyone is fabulous. I have just spent some quality 'quiet time' in the office catching up on everyones entries and commenting where i have anything interesting (or not so interesting as the case may be) to say.
First things first, as that is how it should be. Thank you to every one who took the time to read my last few entries, and especially to those who commented. Your words were so kind and supportive, and they really buoyed me during the past week. You all mean the world to me, and I wanted you to know that.
Obviously I have been low for the past week or so, and every morning I would struggle to get up. not because I was tried or desperate for more sleep. Because I just failed to see the whole 'point'. I did not want to see anyone, or be seen. I did not want to inflict myself on the small portion of the world I would come into contact with that day. I just wanted to the day to be over. I know that makes no sense. my willing of the days to fly past was irrational as I had no end in sight. Even if time did bend to my will and speed by, all that was waiting for me at the end of the night was another day. Everything would be the same. Just slightly less.
I woke up today and I felt, okay. The day did not seem hopeless. It was a good feeling. As the day has gone on, I feel I have embraced this feeling and am looking forward to re gaining my control over life, as everything has spiralled away from me a little. But the resolve is strengthening.
I feel much better just writing this all down, and knowing that you girls may actually understand and empathise. I read what Harlow wrote about suddenly hearing Ana's voice again, and I do. I feel like shedding the weight and the associated baggage is the driving force behind my actions again, rather than the desire to get through the day and close it as quickly as possible. So I will plan. Fail to plan, plan to fail. So cliche but undeniable.
I have a busy day ahead, but I will take sometime to create an adequate plan of attack to kick start the control.
I am hopeful.