Morning girlies, I hope everyone is fabulous. I have just spent some quality 'quiet time' in the office catching up on everyones entries and commenting where i have anything interesting (or not so interesting as the case may be) to say.
First things first, as that is how it should be. Thank you to every one who took the time to read my last few entries, and especially to those who commented. Your words were so kind and supportive, and they really buoyed me during the past week. You all mean the world to me, and I wanted you to know that.
Obviously I have been low for the past week or so, and every morning I would struggle to get up. not because I was tried or desperate for more sleep. Because I just failed to see the whole 'point'. I did not want to see anyone, or be seen. I did not want to inflict myself on the small portion of the world I would come into contact with that day. I just wanted to the day to be over. I know that makes no sense. my willing of the days to fly past was irrational as I had no end in sight. Even if time did bend to my will and speed by, all that was waiting for me at the end of the night was another day. Everything would be the same. Just slightly less.
I woke up today and I felt, okay. The day did not seem hopeless. It was a good feeling. As the day has gone on, I feel I have embraced this feeling and am looking forward to re gaining my control over life, as everything has spiralled away from me a little. But the resolve is strengthening.
I feel much better just writing this all down, and knowing that you girls may actually understand and empathise. I read what Harlow wrote about suddenly hearing Ana's voice again, and I do. I feel like shedding the weight and the associated baggage is the driving force behind my actions again, rather than the desire to get through the day and close it as quickly as possible. So I will plan. Fail to plan, plan to fail. So cliche but undeniable.
I have a busy day ahead, but I will take sometime to create an adequate plan of attack to kick start the control.
I am hopeful.
Much love,
Ella xx
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Good morning, Ella!
ReplyDeleteI think I know exactly how you're feeling and it really is lovely.
It's funny that everyone thinks of Ana as destroying a life, but I feel so much better when I'm embracing her. I'm happier, more confident, more hopeful. Last term I made 4 As and 1 B, the best grades I've had in a very very long time and I feel I owe that to Ana.
I sincerly hope you've found what you need and are able to hold on to it.
<3 Eva
P.S. April 20th is a good date! Have you started thinking about what you'll do for your Boy? I hate shopping for mine, it's impossible. So I'm trying to start early on the planning. I'd love suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're hopeful! I'm starting to feel more in control as well, so I definitely hear you.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes today!
Oh my goodness, I understand COMPLETELY!
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting to begin my new job, and all I do is sit in the house not wanting to bother anyone with my mere presence...
And the weird part is I feel like the more I stay in the more I am strengthened to control my body and what I eat... I have no distractions, and I like it like that.
But I know it's extremely anti-social and probably making me more depressed...
I sympathize... I hope you feel better soon.