Monday, 9 March 2009

Organisng chaos...

Hi girlies, my day has passed both quickly and slowly. It is strange really. I suppose I still in the haze left from this weekend. I flit between feeling like i am moving in slow motion, while the world around me continues at regular speed, and feeling almost the opposite, as though I am moving as intended and the world is dragging behind me.

So I find myself at the end of what is an uncharacteristically short working day of only (nearly) ten hours. I have spent a fair amount of time thinking today. not to say I am generally thoughtless, but my thoughts tend to be somewhat free wheeling. I follow rather than direct, and I tend to prefer it that way. Today has been a little different, my mind has needed nudging and focusing.

I have decided not to go to the gym tonight. I understand that seems like the most illogical choice I could possibly make, especially for an ana who desperately wants to gain control after a weekend of emotional turmoil. There is reasoning behind my apparent madness. I feel I need to organise my chaos before I try to control it. I feel as though I have been stretched so thin over the past week or so. As though everything has been sneaking up on me and collaborating with the purpose of pulling the floor out from beneath me. I think it won this weekend. Subsequently everything is quite literally all over the place. When I crash like I did, it is impossible for me to maintain order. And I like, and quite possibly need, order. My apartment is a bit of a mess. It needs to be cleaned. I find I cannot function in a messy home. My mind is a bit of a mess and I think I need to command some order up there. I am a mess. My hair needs to be washed immediately. My nails are chipped. i know this sounds incredibly shallow and superficial. I suppose it is. But it is just a symptom of someone who is a perfectionist in many ways.

I have made up my mind to spend this evening organising my chaos. Everything from my hair and nails, to my apartment, laundry and refrigerator. I will still work on my new thinspiration book this evening.

I know that all the above may seem as though it should be secondary to going to the gym to burn off calories. But right now I feel out of control. Not in a wild way, but in a sinking way. As though I have chosen the direction I want to run in, but I am running away from an avalanche. So in reality the choice was made for me. It is dramatic I know. I just need some sense right now.

Consumption has not been wonderful today. The chef kept giving me food and I cannot remember choosing to eat it, but some how I did. It is just indicative of today. Tomorrow will be clearer.

I will post later, and will hopefully be in a clean apartment and feeling more like myself. I hope everyone is wonderful today. Love you all.

Much love,

Ella xx


  1. Take care of yourself, Ella. That's what's most important.

  2. *Hugs* Do whatever makes you feel most in control. Don't let yourself slip away!! If you need a break from the gym, noone's going to stop you. It sounds like you've had a weekend of realisation about some issues and you will need to get your head straight!! We're here for you. xoxo

  3. Just get your things together tonight and do things tomorrow :) Maybe make a to-do list. Works for me when I've got a long list of things to do. Feels good to see everything you've completed in one place.

  4. oh there's nothing as wonderful as organizing in a world of chaos. I love the feeling of a freshly cleaned apartment... and if you want to, you can make yourself totally exhausted doing it.

    So don't fret over skipping the gym! Get your workout cleaning today ;)