"I got a weakness in me, I think that weakness feeds me".
I have been tyring to write this entry for three days. Each and every time I try, I ultimately end up deleting everything. With one exception, the above quote from a song by Matchbox Twenty. In some ways, the quote itself was the hurdle in allowing my thoughts to create written words. I could not delete it however, as it so succinctly states my feelings for the past few days, weeks.
I am in this uncomfortable limbo. I crave and need time alone, away from the maddening crowd. I am the kind of person who loves to be alone. To be constantly surrounded by people would feel like drowning, but rather than being pulled under by an invisible current, I would be pushed under by perceptions of non existent scrutiny. Being alone gifts me the opportunity to do one of my most addictive past times. Loathing myself. Whatever aspect or trait, physical or otherwise, I decide to focus my energies on, I feel it must be done alone, to avoid any attention. Where is this uncomfortable limbo I mentioned? I am lucky that I can easily have my alone time. As soon as I am on my own however, my weakness rears its hideous head. I almost forget about it during the week, when I am swarmed with people. My weakness hides in the darkest corners of me, biding it's time. Simply waiting. Once I am alone, its schemes are set in motion. My weakness literally feeds me. More than that, it feeds my addictions, new and old, temporary and permanent.
I suppose I have always felt an unwilling yet inevitable slave to my weakness. An invisible entity on which to project all my failings, to blame for my shortfalls. It is not true though. I am to blame. My weakness is me. Just a side of me I do not want to acknowledge, because I do not know how to control it. And for someone who craves control, that is unacceptable.
So I sit here alone, with only my weakness and my shaky resolve for company. Making decisions. Deciding to confront my weakness, take it out of it's comfort zone. Remove myself from where it is confident.
As much as I adore my time alone, as the hours of the weekend drain through my fingers, and I inch steadily toward Monday morning, my resolve and desire gains in strength, forcing my weakness aside. As the crowd draws nearer, so to is my weakness expelled farther.
I feel there has been a certain element of realisation this weekend. I intend to act upon it. To use it to gain control.
I really hope everyone has had an enjoyable weekend, and that no one is contracting the Mondayblues.