Monday, 9 March 2009

Everything seems so heavy...

Hey girlies, I just wanted to say thank you. I know you do not know what for. This weekend was really, tough. I have been very low. Unnervingly so. I know I have not really posted this weekend, but I have been reading, and that helped me immensely. I really do believe reading your guys' entries somehow prevented the ground from swallowing me whole.

The weekend started as they all seem to. I tend not to work Friday evenings, but the Boy does. This generally leads to my being alone in the apartment all night. Which is terrible. By Friday my resolve is paper thin (unlike me), and I am a nauseating mix of huge amounts of anxiety over the weekend ahead, and uncontrollable relief at the end of the week. This conflict almost invariably culminates in some kind of failure, almost always centered around food. Boredom, anxiety, being alone, relief, and lack of resolve seem to equate to food. (I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that I know I talk about being alone at home a fair deal. This is not something I am 'upset' about. In fact I simply love it. Having the whole apartment to myself is wonderful. Ever since I was a child I was someone who needed and thrived on their 'alone' time).

I tried to start this weekend in a brighter frame of mind. I went to the gym Friday early evening for about an hour and a half. It felt good, really good. It seems so obvious, but being proactive can do wonders for your emotions. Even when I ended up eating gnocchi (see below post), I understood it was, to all extent and purposes, necessary. I dealt with that rather well for me. No freak out. No panic. I could almost say I was 'sensible'. That was the last thing I coped with at all this weekend.

The worst part of it all is that I do not know what set the ball rolling. I cannot, even now, identify a trigger. This exasperates the whole situation. It is a catch-22 with the anxiety. I become incredibly anxious, but do not know why as there seems to be no apparent reason, which in turn heightens the anxiety.

To the world outside my head, I am sure my weekend and the activities seemed utterly 'normal', to the point of boring. I ran errands with L on Saturday afternoon and was dragged by her to our favourite Japanese noodle bar for an early dinner. We enjoyed one cocktail at out favourite bar. She then went to work at a bar so fills in for, and I went home. L is incredibly social and loves to go out, all the time. No matter the time. She is also very persuasive, and is the only person who seems to be able to make me do things I do not really want to. Like agree to meet her, my Boy (who finished at his bar at the same time), and 5 more friends at midnight to attend some special evening at the above mentioned cocktail bar. I have mentioned before I am not overly social. I find it all somewhat of a chore. I did not want to go. But everyone seemed to be so 'excited' that I was actually going to go out. As with most of you, letting people down is just another failure I ardently try to avoid. So I guess I was reeled in.

Maybe that is when is started to spiral. When I was at home I read my new Harpers and stared at all the beautifully thin and stunningly beautiful models and the panic started to rise and the feelings of total and utter inadequacy started to seep in. I decided to have a glass of champagne. I am not sure why. I really do not drink a large amount of alcohol. A control thing, and I could not stand to be drunk in front of people. I would be mortified. It seemed to help to begin with. Or so I thought. An hour later I was in what I call a 'panic cocoon'. Externally I am devoid of visible emotion. I suppose I must almost look completely bored by everything around me. I attribute that to the fact I have no energy to paste on the faux trappings of emotion as everything I have is trying to control what is going on inside. Inside I feel this hole. It is not a hole representing emptiness as after many years I can handle that and still appear functional on the outside. This is more like a black hole. A gaping chasm that is 'sucking' everything I have left into it. All my energy, my emotions, my thoughts. All that is left is this panic and anxiety and I try to seal it. But how do you close a black hole? That is not rhetorical.

I was fading out, but after an hour or so everything came flooding back into myself. I felt like I was going to explode. every emotion was coursing through me. The relief at sealing the void, the fear that it would not hold, the panic, the anxiety, the rage. I thought I might explode. So I cut myself again. I know it is foolish, and I know the surge of calm that washes over me is only fleeting. But sometimes it is so necessary, just so I can gather myself. No one sees the cuts. I do not want them to. But there is that small part of me that wonders why they do not see? Is it because I hide them so well? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I am careless. Is it because they do not care? I suppose I know that is not true. Is it because they just do not think I would be a person who does that? I think that is the true reason. But I cannot be certain.

So I centered myself. I calmed down, visibly. I went out. The evening was pleasant. I suppose for anyone else it would have even been fun. I wonder sometimes why I find it so hard to relax and enjoy myself. Most of the group (other than myself, L and the Boy) had been out for quite sometime so were rather sloshed, which provides a certain amount of entertainment before sensible Ella starts to look after them, ordering (non)alcoholic cocktails for them.

Sunday was blurry. I really did not drink much alcohol, and was up at half 8 in the morning after about 4 and a half hours sleep. I generally spent my day wandering aimlessly around stores. not looking for anything. Just looking around. I just compared myself to everything. Sometimes favourably, sometimes detrimentally. Strangely I was almost disappointed when I came out on top in a comparison. Maybe I just am not comfortable with not hating myself. I really am not sure.

My food intake was erratic this weekend. I do not think I have the energy to go into it, nor do am I sure of the accuracy of what I remember. It can be a little vague when I am low.

I am tired this morning. I am physically tired as I only had about 2 hours sleep again last night. I am mentally exhausted. I am, however, exceptionally restless.

I may go to the gym this evening. I should. Whilst I do not really want to go into the food over the weekend, it was not wonderful and work must be done. I think I may plan to go every night, other than Thursday as I am having to work from 7 am until midnight.

After the gym I am going to sit down and plan my week. Minutely. If I plan, I will deviate less and be less likely to be convinced by someone else's plans. I suppose it will also serve as a distraction this evening. I will also start my new thinspiration book. I hope I actually do these things tonight. I am just all over the place right now.

I am sorry about this post. I am in a conflicted mindset. I know that the only people who can and might understand me are you girls. You really do mean the world to me. Although, I am so conditioned to not expecting to be understood or allowed to behave the way I naturally do that I suppose I am almost waiting for you all to suddenly ostracise me. please understand that is in no way a judgement on you all. More one of me.

I am going to stop rambling now. I doubt you will have read this far and I do not blame you in the slightest.

I should try and sign off on a less depressing note. Are people watching cycle 12 of America's Next Top Model? I caught the premier on youtube. Does anyone else find that the American series pales next to the Australian series?

Love you all,

Ella xx


  1. I read it all lol. I can really relate to the alone time thing. I'm an only child that practically raised herself so I've had a lot of "alone time" over the years. Even now living in Shanghai I can literally go a few days w/out really talking to anyone. I'll walk around, go to the gym, go back to my apt. and all that but I'm literally alone in some weird, foreign country but it doesn't even bug me that much.

  2. Ella darling, sorry to disappoint, but I will NOT ostracize you.

    I'm so sorry that this past weekend was hard for you. Those attacks of... depression/anxiety/loneliness are incredibly painful, I know.

    And you deserve to be cared for. You deserve to have friends what would take care of you if you were drunk (and I know you don't get drunk, but its the principle of the situation). And although I know you don't want people to see your cuts, you deserve people who notice when you go into your "panic cocoon." (I'm not trying to imply that you don't have these things, just that you deserve them.)

    Basically, what I'm trying to say (albeit not very eloquently)is that you deserve the best this world has to offer. You are exceptional.

  3. Thanks Jenna,

    As I commented on your blog, i am so sorry that your weekend (right up until the lights went down at the beginning of 'Hair' was also tough.

    I will write to you tonight,

    Ella xx

  4. Wow, its so odd but I had a very similar experience Saturday night. Tidal waves of emotions I had to fight the way, you weren't rambling! Get it all out girl.

    It's a new week, we are all starting fresh so no worries. :)

  5. Wow, sounds stressful
    Hang in there
    You just need to catch up on some sleep, it's good for everything.