Tuesday, 3 March 2009


Hey girlies, I am so sorry for my inexcusable and prolonged absence. It has been a horrific mixture of being too busy for words at work, being ill and having internet issues to put it politely. But back I am, and I hope no one has ditched me, I really am more reliable than I have been making out over the past 5 days.

I will share with you the speed version of my reasons for absence:
16 hour work days, being attacked by a drunk irish student nurse called Orla, having to come into work on one of my only nights off after working 14 hours because some hoodlums broke in and stole stuff and then threatened to slit my throat, horrifically awful cramps and subsequent vomitting, questionable internet access which lead to me only being able to use my blackberry which allows me to view blogger land but not contribute.
But i am back with some kind of vengence, nto sure hwo much. I have been keeping up to date with all your entries into the blog arena, but have not been able to comment and i will rectify this situation as soon as possible!

As for me and my life, the last 5 days have been challenging, mostly due to the above reasons, I won't bore you with all the details aother than to clarify my throat has nto been slit and the police soared to my rescue, and the drunken orla did land her punch to my chest but it was reasonably feeble and she broke two of her plastic press on nails in the process.

Food wise has been a little up and down. A few of the days were pretty good, only fruit and what not. A couple of the days were, I regret to say it, binge days. I put it down to 'that time of the month'. I do not cope very well with them at all. A terrible cycle of being sick and subsequent binging (I know, that is the wrong way round in our world), and sometimes even passing out. But I do not want to start moaning or this post could degenerate into a moan-fest and that is not the way to try and earn forgiveness for being gone for so long.

On the plus side, I have been to the gym 3 times (which is a miracle). And today I had my first session with my new personal trainer. I explained I needed someone who would be forceful and not let me stop just because i am bored, and boy did they deliver. his name is Tony and he is an ex-marine. He got me doing a whole load of core training, and in our next session (Thursday morning) we are working on some cardio stuff. He is crazy! But I guess that is what I wanted, so hopefully he will really help boost weight loss, as up until now I have not done any form of exercise other than walking and being busy at work for a few years! I am also going to the gym tomorrow night after work. In a strange way I am really looking forward to my gym trips now. I always read how you guys looked forward to it, and I could not understand. But suddenly I am feeling the same. I guess it must be the endorphins.

In other news, I had the most awful day at work yesterday. Well actually, that is not true. The day in general was fine, it was just the end of the day. The Kitchen supervisor here is beyond words. I cannot adequately express how little I like her. She is unbelievable. Basically to sum it up and again trying to prevent a rant, she was in trouble (as usual) with the catering manager and rather than just hold her hands up and admit to what she had done, she tried to blame everyone else, and when that did not work she tried to divert attention from her failings by making up lies about me, effectively accusing me of giving away stock. Which is not true at all. No one believed her and in the end she was in more trouble for it, but I was so furious. That lead to my agreeing to going out for a drink (first alcohol in over a week) with L. Which was nice in some ways, but unnecessary calories!

I have been pretty down this weekend. Not because of 'that time', I tend not to get emotional or anything like that. I think it was just a depressive self loathing session. I was alone most of the weekend which gave me ample time to evaluate myself and remind myself of all my faults and how inadequate I am. I just really hate me sometimes. I am constantly amazed that the Boy is with me, that I have friends (not many but I am not very social so do not need many), that you guys bother with me (which means the world to me, and I am so sorry for being absent). I feel I have to believe that when the weight goes everything will suddenly be bright and rosy and perfect. But what if it is not? What if the weight is just a symptom, and I have to confront the fact that I am the problem. Do you know what I mean? I guess I should not lie, even by omission. I used to cut myself. Never very deep, and not with any intention of serious harm. It was a strange combination of stress relief and self punishment. I almost felt like I was a bottle of soda and when I was shaken the pressure inside was too much and if I did not create an opening I would explode. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone but I know what I mean. Sometimes I would just punish myself for something stupid, or because I felt I deserved it. Well, I did it again for the first time last night. It was not deep and no one noticed, as I always carry band aids with me. I felt better for a while, but it never lasts too long. But I have decided I do not want to fall back into that again, so I am really going to try to stay strong. The Boy knows I used to do it, and it upsets him, and i do not want something I do to upset him, so I must try to not slip up again.

Okay I feel like I might have been very depressing so I will leave it there.

As I said I am so sorry it has been so long since my last entry, and I do feel like I have let you all down. So I hope you can all forgive me. I hope everyone on SBC is coping and doing well, at least better than me.

I love you all, I really do.

Much love,

Ella xx


  1. Oh my goodness. I am SO SORRY about your last week-- it sounds traumatic. But I am definitely glad to have you back.

    Puppy, I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. I wish I had a magic cure that I could ship to you via airmail that would solve all problems. But alas, all I can offer is my virtual shoulder to cry on. I care tremendously about you and want you to be well/safe.

    Loving you.

  2. sounds like a terrible week!!! i wish i could say something to help but being down just sucks and its hard to get out of! Keep your chin up little lady :)

  3. That's awful!! Hope things pick up for you, and FAST. You deserve it after all you've been through, what a wretched week. Take care of yourself. <3