Sunday, 22 February 2009

Resolve Reaffirmed...

Evening girlies, and before I say anything else I just wanted to congratulate all my SBC buddies on doing so well (and to anyone who did not do as well as they had hoped, there are three weeks left, so all our goals can be achieved).  I was a little late getting my stats to Rayray this week, but I have let her know them now, so hopefully she will be able to tack me on to the end of the list.  I never gave a starting weight, vanity prevents it I am afraid.  I am still to ashamed of letting myself go.  I know I not 'fat' by 'normal' standards, but who wants to be normal?  Anways, my overall goal for the month was to lose 10lbs, and on the most recent weigh in I was down 3.4lbs.  Which sounds reasonable and on track, but this weekend was a blowout.  In all honesty I really do not want to talk about it.  Not because it will make it seem less 'real', but because I have already put it behind me.  My resolve has been utterly renewed and it is a good feeling.  It was my first real lapse since restarting my ED lifestyle and it did not feel good at all, not even while I was doing it.  It has proven to me beyond all doubt that I have made the best choice and I on the right path.  I am not good with failure, I am afraid of it, but i have viewed this more as a hiccup and I have learned from it already!  So that is good.

I have just spent a glorious hour alone with my new issue of Vogue.  It is my version of the bible.  I just love the way each page reveals something so new and beautiful.  It fabric art, the photography, the articles and of course the models.  It is just so aspirational.

So my week is set to be reasonably dull and uneventful.  I am working Monday to Friday (Tuesday evening) and have a lot of paperwork to deal with, so I am thrilled.  I am planning to have a meeting Tuesday day with a tutor regarding some study i have been doing.  I am also going to quit my current gym, and join a new one about a 4 minutes walk from my apartment (and I have to walk past it when I go to and from work, so it is perfectly located) tomorrow evening, which should be excellent motivation.  

So in something that is almost interesting news.  I am, what I would consider, a very calm person.  I do not get too emotional, and have a reasonable level of self control.  I almost never lose my temper, it is almost like an annual thing.  My fuse is looooong!  I get that from my father (my mother has a tiny fuse, but everything blows over very quickly for her).  Anyway, I was out with L on last night and I almost snapped at someone.  A completely random guy.  Granted he was a complete and utter moron.  And I am being kind by saying that.  It was near the end of the evening, about half past midnight.  I had consumed one glass of sauvignon and two cocktails (I do not drink much, and never get drunk.  A control issue i would guess, compounded by the fact that I have been in bar work since I turned 18, so have seen the eefects of too much alcohol first hand) and I was at my favourite little cocktail bar, I am know all the staff there as it is owned by the guy who I used to work for, and who the Boy works for, so L and I always get looked after and watched out for.  But this guy walked in toward the end and he was clearly drunk, and if I am honest I think he was on something more than alcohol.  He started clapping really loudly to the music and would not stop.  Oh my god, he was so annoying and suddenly I could feel my temper fraying.  It was so unexpected and so unnecessary.  And then he started talking to me, and was far too close.  My personal bubble was well and truly burst to smithereens!  And I just kept telling him (politely as I do not believe in being rune, even if they deserve it) to please leave me alone, and to take a large step backwards.  Would he listen?  No.  This went on for about twenty minutes.  The clapping, the talking to me and saying inappropriate things, the being way to close, the constant yelling, the brazen foul language.  I was furious, and the worst part is that losing my temper over this was so silly that it was making me lose my temper!  Ridiculous right!  What a wonderful catch-22!  I was handling it, until he grabbed my bottom.  Wow.  I had to make a split second decision between introducing my knee to that guy's nether regions, or just grab my stuff and walk out.  It was, in all honesty, an easy decision to make as I am not a violent person in any way.  But the thought did flash across my mind.  So I chose the latter.  The funny thing was about 30 seconds after I left (L came of course, she was closer to hitting him than I was!) I got this flood of messages on the blackberry from all three bartenders, the manager of the bar and one of the doormen.  Apologising for not getting rid of him sooner!  Bless them.  Oh well, at least I know I will not lose my temper for at least another year.  

Other than that my life this weekend has been uneventful!  I know it may sound pathetic to many people, but I am actually looking forward to watching the Academy Awards footage.  I love the awards ceremonies.  They are still so magical in this utterly aspirational but unreachable way.  A girl can dream though?  Beautiful women, with their amazing bodies clad in some of the most wonderful gowns designed like walking pieces of art.  I think I just enjoy 'hating myself'.  I must because I love looking at models and comparing all my flaws to their perfectness, and with actresses at awards shows, or in movies or just photographs.  And i honestly do really enjoy feeling terrible about me.  Strange isn't it!  

So it is the water fast (or as Rayray said, no cal fast as I could not go with out my diet coke).  Then Tuesday is to be just the above and my frozen fruit (those raspberries are so wonderful and low cal).  Thursday will be another 'Tuesday' and Friday another 'Monday'.  I hope everyone else on the challenge has another successful or more successful week!

Much love,

Ella xx

PS  I cannot believe 12 people actually follow my blog.  I am so honoured, thank you so much xx


  1. Drunken morons are the worst! Congrats on keeping your temper, you are better than I. Thanks for updating your stats with me, you've done so well!

  2. If I were you I would have nailed that guy!
    You are so patient; I admire you!

  3. I loved this post... I def. relate. Except I slap assholes like that. Ha ha not really but I'd like to think I would.
    I did slap a bf once, because he was so sure I wouldn't. but I don't think that counts.

    Good work, chicita :]