What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously I am such an f-ing loser. I can barely stand to be me sometimes. I toyed with not putting this on here, but why not? I deserve the judgement and the ridicule. I deserve to be mocked and laughed at. Yes ladies and ladies, I just ate rubbish. I had two large tables spoons of baked beans (that was the healthiest part), two sausages and a few chips, I just worked it all out as about 800 cals. What the hell?! And there was hardly any food. I knew they would be around and I though I would be able to just deal with it. And it turns out I am too much of a waste of human life to have even an ounce of self control. I have clearly just undone any of the hard work I have done this week so far. You want to know how much my body hates me? I immediately went to purge (I know it is against the rules, but you must understand?!) and I was in the bathroom for like ten minutes trying, I had my fingers so far down my throat I could not put them in any more, and nothing. Instead I now have a bruised and sore throat and all those cals inside me.
I am on the verge of a panic attack, and I hate, hate, hate myself right now. All I ever seem to do is sabotage my own life. I will not consume another thing today, not that that should be hard, my throat kills. If only I was better at purging. Why can't I do it?! Just another reason that I suck.
As soon as I posted the first half of this, I went back to the bathroom. I managed to purge it. Well about 75% of it. I know it goes against the SBC rules, but I just had to. I am work, I cannot break down or start crying. I am supposed to be the manager for god's sake. I just had to. It hurt. My eyes were streaming, and my head is pounding a little now. I know it sounds dramatic but I really am not a fan of purging. I said before I always seem to turn it into some kind ordeal. I hate myself still right now. But at least my total for the day is only about 300 cals (I had a fat free yoghurt for breakfast). I cannot believe I am such an idiot.