Wednesday, 11 February 2009

slap me...

Seriously, someone really should slap me.  Hard.  I just do not know what is wrong with me sometimes.  I am ridiculous.  Audible sigh...

So I did go to the grocery store, and i did acquire suitable stock for my skinny fridge.  I do not even remember how it happened.  One minute by basket was full of acceptable food stuffs, and suddenly i am at home with some wholewheat pasta and pesto rosso.  And of course i had a bowl of it.  Of course i did.  Pathetic I know.  Sorry to everyone and anyone I have let down.  I know it is mainly myself, but I have been letting myself down for so many years I suppose it almost does not matter.  Although it does and i know it!

As you can tell i am too lazy to use the key shift when typing "i".  I apologise, you would never know I am an intellectual and grammar snob would you.  Oh the trappings of fine education!

I digress.  So food wise today has been a let down.  Not horrific, but nothing acceptable.  I have had about one litre of mineral water (I really need to buy myself a Britta water filter), about six cans of diet coke (although i have resolved to make the switch back to caffeine free diet coke) and a bowl of wholemeal pasta with pesto rosso.  I feel huge and obese.  Well I suppose it is not a feeling more an honest appraisal.

I did not go into work today, I have been getting ill and the other manager has suggested it may be to do with my long hours and recent stress, so has told me to take a couple of days off to nip any illness in the bud and come back for friday to do all my end of week paperwork.  Which is a really nice gesture.  But being the pessimist that some people profess me to be, i know there will be just so much for me to 'fix'.  God I must be so hard to please!

Anyway, that means I have tomorrow off.  Which is nice in a way, but when i am not busy I tend to do nothing.  I am trying to ban actual tv, as it is so pointless, so I only watch specific things on the internet now.

So maybe i will go to the gym.  i really need to start doing some form of exercise, but i do not want to go to the gym because i feel fat.  i feel like everyone will stare and snigger.  which is incredibly egotistical i know.  and i also know that no one would give me the time of day.  but there you go.

My mood today is changeable.  i flit between content, hopeful, down, irritable and a whole other host of emotions.  

I made an online 'friend' or connection or however anyone would say it.  I read her blog today and suddenly felt this huge connection to her.  it was surreal as i do not get that very often, in real life let alone via cyberspace.  I feel a little more hopeful with someone who i can be honest with and open with.  it makes me feel less alone.  so i am grateful for that.

in other self indulgent news, i have decided to make a rather significant life change.  prepare for some boring preamble...  i always wanted to go to oxford university (i would assume most people would have heard of it, it is the uk's equivilent of harvard) and study law.  I suffered from undiagnosed but undeniable depression during my last two years of high school.  My results were suitable, but my desire to actually go to university suddenly vanished.  For some reason i decided to blame my depression on school rather than actually thinking about what it was really all about.  Anyway, i left and worked in london for a while in the financial sector, then i actually taught at my old school for a term after leaving my other job to go to camp for the summer, and then fell into managing bars (mainly cocktail and wine bars).  but i still wish i had gone to university.  So i am taking steps towards going.  i need to do an a level in order to be eligible, and i am working on my psychology a level now.  well not right now but you know what i mean.  biggest change this time around?  I want to apply to Cambridge instead.  i am sure you have heard of that place too.  So yea.  I have decided to thrust myself out of academic entropy.  so i will keep you updated.

this is a long entry, so if anyone has bothered to read this far i apologise whole heartedly for eating too much, breaking my plan, and boring you with needless ramblings.

love ella xx

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