What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously I am such an f-ing loser. I can barely stand to be me sometimes. I toyed with not putting this on here, but why not? I deserve the judgement and the ridicule. I deserve to be mocked and laughed at. Yes ladies and ladies, I just ate rubbish. I had two large tables spoons of baked beans (that was the healthiest part), two sausages and a few chips, I just worked it all out as about 800 cals. What the hell?! And there was hardly any food. I knew they would be around and I though I would be able to just deal with it. And it turns out I am too much of a waste of human life to have even an ounce of self control. I have clearly just undone any of the hard work I have done this week so far. You want to know how much my body hates me? I immediately went to purge (I know it is against the rules, but you must understand?!) and I was in the bathroom for like ten minutes trying, I had my fingers so far down my throat I could not put them in any more, and nothing. Instead I now have a bruised and sore throat and all those cals inside me.
I am on the verge of a panic attack, and I hate, hate, hate myself right now. All I ever seem to do is sabotage my own life. I will not consume another thing today, not that that should be hard, my throat kills. If only I was better at purging. Why can't I do it?! Just another reason that I suck.
FUCK!
**Update**
As soon as I posted the first half of this, I went back to the bathroom. I managed to purge it. Well about 75% of it. I know it goes against the SBC rules, but I just had to. I am work, I cannot break down or start crying. I am supposed to be the manager for god's sake. I just had to. It hurt. My eyes were streaming, and my head is pounding a little now. I know it sounds dramatic but I really am not a fan of purging. I said before I always seem to turn it into some kind ordeal. I hate myself still right now. But at least my total for the day is only about 300 cals (I had a fat free yoghurt for breakfast). I cannot believe I am such an idiot.
FUCK! (again)
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It really is okay, we all screw up sometimes. I feel you on not being able to purge, but seriously, you should be proud that you didn't! If you can, maybe go work out, run around, do jumping jacks or some kind of activity which will help to undo any damage and hopefully make you feel better. Best of luck.
ReplyDelete- stina
I'm so sorry, love. But you are NOT a fuck up for eating 800 calories. You are human. As are we all. Feel free to browse my blog for the infinite number of times I've messed up.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself.